Hestia > Hestia's Quotes

“They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.”
― Eddie Izzard

“Cake or death?”
― Eddie Izzard

“What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!”
― Eddie Izzard

“But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!"
"Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”
― Eddie Izzard, Glorious

“Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.”
― Eddie Izzard

“I am an evil Giraffe.”
― Eddie Izzard

“This is not a game of Who The Fuck Are You.”
― Eddie Izzard

“Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU!”
― Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill

“We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?”
― Eddie Izzard

“Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!”
― Eddie Izzard, Definite Article

“We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!”
― Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill

“You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.”
― Eddie Izzard

“This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee.”
― Eddie Izzard

“So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.”
― Eddie Izzard

“I'm covered in bees!”
― Eddie Izzard

“Never put a sock in a toaster.”
― Eddie Izzard

“Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.”
― Eddie Izzard

“If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.”
― Eddie Izzard

“I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.”
― Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill

“Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit.”
― Eddie Izzard

“I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.”
― Eddie Izzard

“Pears can just fuck off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. "I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear." … So you think, "I'll take them home and they'll ripen up." But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, "No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!”
― Eddie Izzard, Definite Article

“And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.”
― Eddie Izzard

“And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.”
― Eddie Izzard

“You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here'.

You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO!”
― Eddie Izzard

“You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”
― Eddie Izzard