Valarie > Valarie's Quotes

“He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

“Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.”
― Jim Morrison

“I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”
― Dorothy Parker

“By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.”
― Jon Stewart

“You don't happen to have a thousand dollars I can borrow?"

"I don't have five you can borrow. My piggy bank is officialy anorexic.”
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Hush, Hush

“Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.”
― Mark Twain

“The lack of money is the root of all evil.”
― Mark Twain

“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”
― Dave Barry

“Excuse me? Tonight you represent every dateless woman in this city, every woman who's about to sit down to a lonely meal of Weight Watchers past primavera she's just nuked in the microwave. Every woman who will get into bed tonight with a book or reruns of Sex and the City as her only companion. You are our shining hope....But no pressure.”
― Nora Roberts, High Noon

“It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.”
― Mark Twain

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”
― Steven Wright

“I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”
― Will Rogers

“It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion.”
― Gary Larson, The Complete Far Side, 1980–1994

“If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. ”
― Dave Barry

“I notice that you use plain, simple language, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English―it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don't let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them―then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice.”
― Mark Twain

“Earrings are like orgasms. You can never have too many."
" I never thought about it quite that way."
Well, you're a man. " She gave his knee a friendly pat.”
― Nora Roberts, Daring to Dream

“Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't there any change?”
― Erma Bombeck

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”
― Steven Wright

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
― Steven Wright

“I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.”
― Mark Twain

“Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“Falling in love is painful on the knees.”
― Bon Jovi

“The reason it’s hard for men to say “I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

“The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
― Jeff Foxworthy

“I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one.”
― H. Jackson Brown Jr.

“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”
― Steven Wright

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”
― Rita Rudner