Luci > Luci's Quotes

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#1

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock

9413 likes

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#2

“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

tags: boggs, finnick, funny, humour, hunger-games, katniss, mockingjay, odair, suzanne-collins, witty

9273 likes

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#3

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday, "Billy" Sunday, the man and his message: with his own words which have won thousands for Christ

tags: automobile, car, funny, humor, religious

8921 likes

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#4

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin

tags: funny, humanity, humor

8865 likes

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#5

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain

tags: classic-insult, funeral, funny, humor

7635 likes

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#6

“What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

tags: funny, humor

6972 likes

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#7

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”
― Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding

tags: funny

6899 likes

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#8

“They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

6221 likes

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#9

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
― Cathy Guiswite

tags: eyes, funny, lemons

5195 likes

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#10

“It's not because I want to make out with her."
Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

tags: funny

4075 likes

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#11

“Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. “Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”
Brekker’s lips quirked. “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”
“My ghost won’t associate with your ghost,” Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.”
― Leigh Bardugo, Six of Crows

tags: funny, ghost, jesper, six-of-crows

4161 likes

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#12

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

tags: crime, funny, humour, neighborhoods

3719 likes

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#13

“It's funny how humans can wrap their mind around things and fit them into their version of reality.”
― Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief

tags: humanity, humans, mankind, reality

3821 likes

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#14

“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”
― Golda Meir

tags: funny, golda, meir, true

3532 likes

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#15

“I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."
"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

tags: funny, humor

3156 likes

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#16

“I'm going to wake Peeta," I say.
"No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."
Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.
His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"
Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”
― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

tags: funny, humor, prank

3098 likes

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#17

“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
― Bill Cosby

tags: funny

2945 likes

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#18

“Headline?" he asked.
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

tags: funny, humor, humour, internet, john-green, pedophile, pedophilia, tfios, the-fault-in-our-stars

2780 likes

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#19

“Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.
The horse whinnied angrily.
"I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

tags: funny, silly-chinese-canadian-baby-man

2815 likes

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#20

“I can't eat and I can't sleep. I'm not doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?”
― Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story

tags: depression, sadness, suicide

2821 likes

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#21

“Can you surf really well, then?"
I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.
"Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."
He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)”
― Rick Riordan

tags: annabeth-chase, athena, funny, humor, myth, mythology, olympians, percy-jackson, posiedon, the-lightning-thief, zeus

2759 likes

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#22

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
― Will Rogers

tags: advice, funny, reticence, silence

2623 likes

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#23

“Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane”
― Rachel Caine, Glass Houses

tags: funny, morganvillevampires

2413 likes

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#24

“Can you be a girl for a few seconds?"
"I'm always a girl" I frown.
"You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"
I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.”
― Veronica Roth, Divergent

tags: christina, divergent, funny, humor, tris, veronica-roth

2421 likes

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#25

“I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist”
― Gena Showalter, Seduce the Darkness

tags: antipathy, dislike, funny, hatred

2373 likes

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#26

“I figured all your classes were stuff like Slaughter 101 and Beheading for Beginners."
Jace flipped a page. "Very funny, Fray.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

tags: city-of-bones, clary-fray, jace-wayland

2311 likes

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#27

“But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

tags: celebrity, dumbledore, fame, funny

2318 likes

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#28

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

tags: funny, humour, infidelity, parenthood, parenting, sexuality

2192 likes

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#29

“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"
All the time.”
― Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life

tags: flotsam, funny, humor, jeremy-fink, jetsam, keys, lizzy, wendy-mass, what-i-always-think

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boggs
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funny
humour
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katniss
mockingjay
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witty
automobile
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humor
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humans
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meir
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depression
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annabeth-chase
athena
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