Andrew > Andrew's Quotes

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#1

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin

tags: humor, obvious, simile

35269 likes

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#2

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― Paul Terry

tags: exercise, humor, laziness, misattributed-to-hutchins

24401 likes

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#3

“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”
― Charles J. Sykes, Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can't Read, Write or Add

tags: humor, misattributed-to-bill-gates, nerd, nerds, work

15560 likes

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#4

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”
― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

tags: humor, proverb

12934 likes

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#5

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen

tags: death, fear, humor, life

25656 likes

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#6

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.”
― Rita Mae Brown

tags: humor, insanity

12681 likes

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#7

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields

18685 likes

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#8

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

tags: humor

7875 likes

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#9

“There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”
― Oscar Levant

tags: genius, humor, insanity

9905 likes

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#10

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
― Benjamin Franklin Wade

tags: humor, misattributed-mark-twain, philosophy, theology

19851 likes

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#11

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz

tags: chocolate, food, humor

26806 likes

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#12

“Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.”
― Thomas Szasz

tags: humor, inspirational

9763 likes

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#13

“But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?”
― Mark Twain

tags: humor-satan

6212 likes

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#14

“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time

tags: humor, perspective, science

5858 likes

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#15

“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.”
― Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent

tags: death, humor, life

6726 likes

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#16

“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

tags: humor, philosophy

8081 likes

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#17

“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.”
― Bertrand Russell

8044 likes

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#18

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

tags: humor, insanity, lies, lying, self-indulgence, truth

19793 likes

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#19

“Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.”
― Orson Welles

3067 likes

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#20

“A literary academic can no more pass a bookstore than an alcoholic can pass a bar.”
― Amanda Cross

1713 likes

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#21

“Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a blank piece of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.”
― Gene Fowler

tags: humor-writing-craft

1164 likes

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#22

“Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.”
― Bill Watterson

tags: calvin-and-hobbes, humor

3634 likes

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#23

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”
― Lemony Snicket

tags: fate, humor, simile

13158 likes

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#24

“Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.”
― David Sedaris

tags: humor, perception, retardation

1416 likes

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#25

“...disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business....”
― Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

tags: humor, magic

1688 likes

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#26

“If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.”
― Isaac Asimov

tags: humor, writing

2374 likes

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#27

“Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.”
― Flannery O'Connor

tags: criticism, humor, writing

2052 likes

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#28

“Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness.”
― Lemony Snicket

tags: humor-wicked-reading

9727 likes

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#29

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
― Woody Allen

tags: art, humor, life

2457 likes

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#30

“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.”
― Terry Pratchett

tags: fantasy, humor, imagination, literature, stories

6661 likes

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humor
obvious
simile
exercise
laziness
misattributed-to-hutchins
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nerds
work
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death
fear
life
insanity
genius
misattributed-mark-twain
philosophy
theology
chocolate
food
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