Morgan > Morgan's Quotes

“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
― Jerry Seinfeld

“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday”
― Don Marquis

“Your problem isn't the problem, it's your attitude about the problem.”
― Ann Brashares

“Never regret something that once made you smile.”
― Amber Deckers

“Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“Hello, Harry" said George, beaming at him. "We thought we heard your dulcet tones."
"You don't want to bottle up your anger like that, Harry, let it all out," said Fred, also beaming. "There might be a couple of people fifty miles away who didn't hear you.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

“We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? ”
― Jean Cocteau

“I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?”
― Jean Kerr

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”
― Agatha Christie

“Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it....”
― George Bernard Shaw, Music in London

“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.”
― Oscar Levant

“War does not determine who is right — only who is left.”
― Anonymous

“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”
― Robin Williams

“You're only given a spark of madness. You musn't lose it.”
― Robin Williams

“Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.”
― Albert Einstein

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
― Mark Twain

“One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.”
― Plato

“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”
― George Carlin

“Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.”
― Jon Stewart

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”
― Jerry Seinfeld

“Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
― Jerry Seinfeld

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
― Steven Wright

“I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.”
― Ashleigh Brilliant

“All modern men are descended from wormlike creatures, but it shows more on some people.”
― Will Cuppy

“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”
― Dave Barry

“Jeff: There's a lot of history in this city...
Peanut: Translated: Old. As. Shit. ”
― Jeff Dunham

“Look, I know I didn't finish school but that frickin' says 'Sa ntah ah nah!”
― Jeff Dunham

“Jeff: The drive from the valley?
Peanut: Was bad as hell!
Jeff: Traffic?
Peanut: Sucked like hell!
Jeff: Drivers?
Peanut: Angry as hell!
Jeff: And you?
Peanut: Were scared as hell!
Jeff: Parking?
Peanut: Sucked more like hell!
Jeff: So?
Peanut: We're in hell! ”
― Jeff Dunham