Randy Plumley > Randy's Quotes

“I go into solitude so as not to drink out of everybody's cistern. When I am among the many I live as the many do, and I do not think I really think. After a time it always seems as if they want to banish my self from myself and rob me of my soul.”
― Nietzsche Friedrich Wilhelm

“Being single doesn't mean you're weak, it means that you're strong enough to wait for the right person.”
― Niall Horan

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
― George Carlin

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
― George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
― George Carlin

“He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”
― George Carlin

“I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.”
― George Carlin

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”
― George Carlin

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
― George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
― George Carlin

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”
― George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
― George Carlin

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”
― George Carlin

“I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.”
― George Carlin

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck”
― George Carlin

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
― George Carlin

“I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to 'God' are all answered at about the same 50% rate.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”
― George Carlin

“A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.”
― George Carlin

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. ”
― George Carlin, George Carlin Reads to You: An Audio Collection Including Recent Grammy Winners Braindroppings and Napalm & Silly Putty

“When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.”
― George Carlin

“Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
― George Carlin

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”
― George Carlin

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?”
― George Carlin

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
― George Carlin

“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? ”
― George Carlin

“It's never just a game when you're winning.”
― George Carlin