Reader > Reader's Quotes

“If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”
― George Carlin

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
― George Carlin

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”
― George Carlin

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

“Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody: 'The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.”
― George Carlin

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
― George Carlin

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”
― George Carlin

“In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.”
― George Carlin

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”
― George Carlin

“Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”
― George Carlin

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. ”
― George Carlin

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”
― George Carlin

“We are a nation of sheep, and
someone else owns the grass.”
― George Carlin

“I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?”
― George Carlin