Shel0ves2read > Shel0ves2read's Quotes

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  • #1
    George Carlin
    “I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
    George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

  • #2
    George Carlin
    “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
    George Carlin

  • #3
    George Carlin
    “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
    George Carlin

  • #4
    George Carlin
    “Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
    George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

  • #5
    George Carlin
    “Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

    But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”
    George Carlin

  • #6
    George Carlin
    “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
    George Carlin

  • #7
    George Carlin
    “That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
    George Carlin

  • #8
    George Carlin
    “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
    George Carlin

  • #9
    George Carlin
    “Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”
    George Carlin

  • #10
    George Carlin
    “People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'

    If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.

    They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'

    So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.”
    George Carlin, Brain Droppings

  • #11
    George Carlin
    “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
    George Carlin



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