Mike > Mike's Quotes

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.”
― Stephen Colbert

“There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.”
― Stephen Colbert

“It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Equations are the devil's sentences.”
― Stephen Colbert

“They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.”
― Stephen Colbert

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.”
― Stephen Colbert

“Baby carrots are making me gay.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.”
― Stephen Colbert

“I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.”
― Stephen Colbert

“The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.”
― Stephen Colbert

“I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.”
― Stephen Colbert

“I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.”
― Stephen Colbert

“If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.”
― Stephen Colbert

“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state
that makes people want to flee the Earth?"

- Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones,
"The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005”
― Stephen Colbert

“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”
― Stephen Colbert

“I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”
― Stephen Colbert

“I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”
― Stephen Colbert

“The more you know, the sadder you get.”
― Stephen Colbert, I Am America

“Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”
― Stephen Colbert