Amanda > Amanda's Quotes

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#1

“And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

tags: funny, humorous

9 likes

#2

“Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese."

"She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'"

"Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?"

"No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga."

"Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls."

"That's some bullshit, Troy."

"It's her couch.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

tags: funny, humourous-situations

11 likes

#3

“So I'm all, "Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!" Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until I learn French.)”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

tags: humorous

16 likes

#4

“Abby Von Normal - And I'm like, "Don't change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you're ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh! Sorry, I don't know how much that is in kilos.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

tags: funny

4 likes

#5

“Don't be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It's the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.”
― Christopher Moore, A Dirty Job

tags: parents

486 likes

#6

“Stop," I said. "Please do not further endorken yourself to me. You have great hair and a car that is most fly, and you have just saved me with your mad ninja driving skills, so do not sully your heroic hottie image in my mind by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda. Don't tell me what you're studying, Steve, tell me what's in your soul. What haunts you?"
And he was like, "Dude, you need to cut back on the caffeine.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

196 likes

#7

“Josh: "What is this thing?"
Gasper: "It's a Yeti. An abominable snowman."
Biff: "This is what happens when you fuck a sheep?"
Josh: "Not an abomination, abominable.”
― Christopher Moore, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

171 likes

#8

“I've tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I'm having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it that one can busta rhyme or busta move anywhere but you must busta cap in someone's ass? Is "ho" always feminine, and "muthafucka" always masculine, while "bitch" can be either? How many peeps in a posse, how much booty before baby got back, do you have to be all that to get all up in that, and do I need to be dope and phat to be da bomb or can I just be "stupid"? I'll not be singing over any dead mothers until I understand.”
― Christopher Moore , Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal

tags: humor

145 likes

#9

“I'm not insecure. I've been through way too much f**king sh*t to be insecure. I've got huge balls. But I've been humbled. That makes you grateful for every day you have.”
― Drew Barrymore

tags: insecurity, self-confidence

283 likes

#10

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”
― Robert Fulghum, True Love

tags: love, weirdness

21582 likes

#11

“Just because something isn't a lie does not mean that it isn't deceptive. A liar knows that he is a liar, but one who speaks mere portions of truth in order to deceive is a craftsman of destruction.”
― Criss Jami

tags: agenda, bad-influence, compulsive-liar, controlling, craftsman, deception, destruction, dishonest, influence, lies, manipulation, media, mislead, slander, speak, true

1698 likes

#12

“The difference between my darkness and your darkness is that I can look at my own badness in the face and accept its existence while you are busy covering your mirror with a white linen sheet. The difference between my sins and your sins is that when I sin I know I'm sinning while you have actually fallen prey to your own fabricated illusions. I am a siren, a mermaid; I know that I am beautiful while basking on the ocean's waves and I know that I can eat flesh and bones at the bottom of the sea. You are a white witch, a wizard; your spells are manipulations and your cauldron from hell yet you wrap yourself in white and wear a silver wig.”
― C. JoyBell C.

tags: badness, fake, genuine, genuineness, goodness, hypocrisy, mermaid, self-acceptance, self-awareness, siren, white-witch, wizard

1416 likes

#13

“I despise the rituals of fake friendship. I wish we could just claw each other's eyes out and call it a day; instead we put on huge radiant smiles and spout compliments until our teeth hurt from the saccharine sweetness of it all.”
― Jody Gehrman, Babe in Boyland

tags: dishonesty, fake, friends, friendship, humor, pretense

321 likes

#14

“Disinformation is duping.
Misinformation is tricking.”
― Toba Beta, Master of Stupidity

tags: disinformation, duping, fake, misinformation, tricking, truth

30 likes

#15

“It turns out that the men who ultimately, who unpretentiously value peace are willing to sacrifice their own peace of mind in order to render it. The question is, 'Who, between opposing forces, would do such a thing?' It seems only theoretical albeit true that men who accept an objective rather than subjective moral standard are, in a general sense, more capable of making such sacrifices for the sake of peace.”
― Criss Jami, Diotima, Battery, Electric Personality

tags: mind, moral-standard, objectivity, peace, sacrifice, subjectivity, unpretentious

19 likes

#16

“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.”
― André Malraux

tags: deception, hiding, lies, man, secrets, self-awareness

1166 likes

#17

“A lie that is half-truth is the darkest of all lies.”
― Alfred Tennyson

tags: deception, lying

715 likes

#18

“People are secretive when they have secrets.”
― Deb Caletti, The Secret Life of Prince Charming

tags: deception, people, secretive, secrets

186 likes

#20

“The power to lead is the power to mislead, and the power to mislead is the power to destroy.”
― Thomas S. Monson

tags: deception, destruction, leadership, responsibility

36 likes

#21

“Anything someone gets conned into will never be that great.”
― Roberto Hogue, Real Secrets of Sex: A Women's Guide on How to Be Good in Bed

tags: cheating, conned, deceit, deception, grift, scam, sex

10 likes

#22

“Walking away from bad situations and negative people sets a healthier tone for the rest of your life. It also gives those who do not know any better the opportunity to self-correct.”
― Gary Hopkins

tags: deception, energy-healing, enlightenment, god, higher-self, holy-spirit, honesty, inspirational, oneness, positive-quotes, self-empowerment, spiritual-growth, spirituality

18 likes

#23

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.”
― August Wilson

tags: character, courage, self-assessment, self-esteem, strength

4210 likes

#24

“The secret to getting away with lying, is believing with all your heart. That goes for lying to yourself even more so than lying to another”
― Elizabeth Bear

41 likes

#25

“For once Yancy didn't mind driving to Miami. Dr. Rosa Campesino had agreed to meet for lunch. On the Eighteen-Mile Stretch he got stuck behind a minivan with a CHOOSE LIFE bumper sticker. "Choose the accelerator! How's that for starters?" Yancy was shouting, pounding on the horn.”
― Carl Hiaasen

tags: funny-humor

0 likes

#26

“If God was my co-pilot, Yancy once groused to Burton, I'd have the fucking pedal to the metal soon as I left the garage.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Bad Monkey

tags: funny-humor

0 likes

#27

“Hey. Sometimes life is a shit flavored Popsicle.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Nature Girl

tags: humour

646 likes

#28

“Nobody said he was Alvin Einstein.”
― Carl Hiaasen, Bad Monkey

10 likes

#29

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”
― Oscar Wilde

tags: attributed-no-source, be-yourself, gilbert-perreira, honesty, inspirational, misattributed-oscar-wilde, quote-investigator

176982 likes

#30

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

tags: attributed-no-source, human-nature, humor, infinity, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe

148357 likes

#31

“It is easy to love people in memory; the hard thing is to love them when they are there in front of you.”
― John Updike, My Father's Tears and Other Stories

3018 likes

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