Humourous Situations Quotes

“Where is he? Bridgerton!" he bellowed.
Three chestnut heads swiveled in his direction. Simon stomped across the grass, murder in his eyes.
"I meant the idiot Bridgerton."
"That, I believe," Anthony said mildly, tilting his chin toward Colin, "would refer to you.”
― Julia Quinn, The Duke and I

“To whomever swapped my tattoo cream for toothpaste........ well played.”
― R.D. Ronald

“Donde, he offered a piece of candy to a little
   boy.”
― Kyle Keyes, Under the Bus

“Me? Oh, intellectually I believe in having a good heart, a chirpy penis, a lively intelligence, and the courage to say ‘shit!’ in front of a lady.”
― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover

“Enlightenment through spirituality versus sexuality is a chicken-and-egg situation. But I’m not bothered about what comes first—as long as I have both the chicken and the egg.”
― Merlin Franco, Saint Richard Parker

“I mean, drink driving is bad, drug driving is bad, but what is driving whilst under the influence of a fuc%ing nymphomaniac in your lap? How many years will this get me, if I do manage to keep my eyes on the road and not drive us off it first?”
― Jimmy Tudeski, Uck It List

“Do i look like a beautiful blond with big tits and an ass that tastes like French vanilla ice-cream?

No. no, you don't.

Then why are you telling me all this bullshit just so you can fuck me.”
― Quentin Tarantino, True Romance

“The gate is perfectly simple," Temeraire said. "There is only a bar across the fence, which one can lift very easily, and then it swings open; Nitidus could do it best, for his forehands are the smallest. Though it is difficult to keep the animals inside the pen, and the first time I learned how to open it, they all ran away," he added. "Maximus and I had to chase after them for hours and hours--it was not funny at all," he said, ruffled, sitting back on his haunches and contemplating Laurence with great indignation.”
― Naomi Novik, Throne of Jade

“Just curious,she mouthed.
"What? I didn't catch that."
Jjuussttccuurriioouuss.She drew it out this time, hoping he'd be able to read her lips.
"If you spoke out loud," he drawled, "I might understand what you're saying."
Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerably
less
'flat than the floor.
"Owww!" he yelled.
Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it.
"If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought.”
― Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress

“I suddenly remembered that Murray Gell-Mann and I were supposed to give talks at that conference on the present situation of high-energy physics. My talk was set for the plenary session, so I asked the guide, "Sir, where would the talks for the plenary session of the conference be?"

"Back in that room that we just came through."

"Oh!" I said in delight. "Then I'm gonna give a speech in that room!"

The guide looked down at my dirty pants and my sloppy shirt. I realized how dumb that remark must have sounded to him, but it was genuine surprise and delight on my part.

We went along a little bit farther, and the guide said, "This is a lounge for the various delegates, where they often hold informal discussions." They were some small, square windows in the doors to the lounge that you could look through, so people looked in. There were a few men sitting there talking.

I looked through the windows and saw Igor Tamm, a physicist from Russia that I know. "Oh!" I said. "I know that guy!" and I started through the door.

The guide screamed, "No, no! Don't go in there!" By this time he was sure he had a maniac on his hands, but he couldn't chase me because he wasn't allowed to go through the door himself!”
― Richard Feynman

“Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese."

"She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'"

"Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?"

"No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga."

"Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls."

"That's some bullshit, Troy."

"It's her couch.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“You are a major dimwit. Is your brain made out of jello, you spineless twit? A leaf? What do you think I am, one of those magical raccoons? I'm a concept, get it? Con-cept! Concepts and raccoons aren't exactly the same, now are they? What a dumb thing to say...”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“Mia Maz glanced aside in concern at his muffled snort. "Are you all right?"
"Yes. Sorry," he whispered. "I'm just having an attack of limericks."
Her eyes widened, and she bit her lip; only her deepening dimple betrayed her. "Shhh," she said, with feeling.”
― Lois McMaster Bujold, Cetaganda

“I believe the day Einstein feared the most is when people circulate pictures of dead bodies of relatives on WhatsApp and get Thumbs Down and Crying smileys as response.”
― Ketan Waghmare

“Psht, as if. You and what army could possibly rescue her from my clutches?”
― Quinn Loftis, Luna of Mine

“You want me to be your spy in a game of restaurant espionage? Will I need a code name?"

"It's nothing morally reprehensible or anything, " Wes hastened to assure her. "Just curiosity."

"I think your code name should be Tiberius," she said decisively. "I'll be Uhura."

"Tiberius? As in James Tiberius Kirk?" Wes blinked, then grinned. "Oh my God, this is your version of flirting. How do you say 'I fancy you' in Klingon?”
― Louisa Edwards, Just One Taste

“I'll serve something black. Bean soup, licorice, coffee. It'll be very grim, I promise. We'll cover the mirrors. We'll listen to Piaf. We'll read passages from Dostoyevsky.”
― Stephanie Kallos

“Patrick Kenzie asking a bemused waitress for a newspaper in smalltown USA. 'It’s like a homepage without a scroll button?”
― Dennis Lehane, Moonlight Mile

“I've always liked Belgian waffles, but I must say, I didn't think I would one day be having Belgian waffles in Belgium! I just sort of POOF found myself there and there I was with a gigantic Belgian waffle in my hands, standing on a sidewalk in Belgium!”
― C. JoyBell C.

“You know us naturist types.. when we party we party hard!”
― Lee Taylor, Bound

“It’s all about nerves…” Müller remarked wisely, sipping brandy from a frosted glass. “The ghost must have a weak nervous system. Hysteria. … A lack of magnesium and vitamin D has a negative effect on the nervous system. After all, it’s winter, and there’s not enough sunlight…”
― Charlotte Frost, The Ghost of Grimoire Castle

“Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting.”
― Winston Churchill

“help me im so short”
― Sheryl Chan

“He has big hands too, I say, swigging cider. I should know. Big beautiful hands. I daresay big feet as well.
You mean that...? Philomena asks.
Fanny whispers in her ear, and she giggles.
I do find unclothed men interesting, I must admit.
Which one do you think has the best arse? I ask before I can stop myself.”
― Janet Mullany, A Most Lamentable Comedy

“Dear God, I’ve married a lass just like me sister,” Ross muttered, closing his eyes at the horror of it all.
“Or yer mother,” Fingal offered helpfully and then burst out in a full belly laugh. Ross did not laugh with him.”
― Lyndsay Sands

“Är det därför folk röker? För att de ska ha något att göra med händerna?”
― Pia Printz, Holiday Romance

“Trust is a dangerous game. In this world, it's a currency too few can afford."
― GC Brown, SNIFF”
― GC Brown, SNIFF

“The most powerful remote in
the world is useless if you
don’t know which button
changes the channel.”
― Adora Aiza, Love Resolutions: Get Your Heart Ready for Fulfilling Romance

“This is my awesome job. This is my baby. I reproduced! Look at me, I reproduced!”
― Sarah Langan, Squid Teeth: A Tor Original

“When he realized he'd been thinking of Anton, that he'd unconsciously de-gendered and abstracted Anton into a kind of silhouette, which he'd successfully presented to himself as a romantic prospect, he grinned uncontrollably for around thirty seconds”
― Tao Lin, Taipei