Jason245 > Jason245's Quotes

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  • #1
    “Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
    Anthony G. Oettinger

  • #2
    Oscar Wilde
    “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
    Oscar Wilde

  • #3
    Groucho Marx
    “I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”
    Groucho Marx, Groucho and Me

  • #4
    H.L. Mencken
    “The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.”
    H.L. Mencken

  • #5
    Oscar Wilde
    “I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
    Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

  • #6
    Albert Einstein
    “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
    Albert Einstein

  • #7
    Jim Henson
    “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
    Jim Henson

  • #8
    Oscar Wilde
    “To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”
    Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

  • #9
    “The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”
    Lily Tomlin

  • #10
    D.J. MacHale
    “There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)”
    D. J. MacHale, The Quillan Games

  • #11
    Steven Wright
    “I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
    Steven Wright

  • #12
    Flannery O'Connor
    “I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.”
    Flannery O'Connor, The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O'Connor

  • #13
    Frank Zappa
    “Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.”
    Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book

  • #14
    George Carlin
    “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
    George Carlin

  • #15
    W.C. Fields
    “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
    W.C. Fields

  • #16
    Steven Wright
    “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
    Steven Wright

  • #17
    George Carlin
    “Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
    George Carlin

  • #18
    Steven Wright
    “If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
    steven wright

  • #20
    Andrew  Jackson
    “It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.”
    Andrew Jackson

  • #21
    George Burns
    “When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
    George Burns

  • #23
    Mark Twain
    “A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
    Mark Twain

  • #24
    Calvin Trillin
    “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
    Calvin Trillin

  • #25
    Scott Adams
    “The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.”
    Scott Adams

  • #26
    H.L. Mencken
    “Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.”
    H. L. Mencken, A Little Book In C Major

  • #27
    Nora Ephron
    “I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted
    most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.”
    Nora Ephron

  • #28
    James   Beard
    “A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.”
    James Beard

  • #29
    Terry Pratchett
    “If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.”
    Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

  • #30
    Douglas MacArthur
    “Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
    Douglas MacArthur

  • #31
    Laurell K. Hamilton
    “Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?”
    Laurell K. Hamilton, Danse Macabre

  • #32
    Dr. Seuss
    “When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
    and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
    ...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
    bottle paddle battle.”
    Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks



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