Jason245 > Jason245's Quotes

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#1

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
― Anthony G. Oettinger

tags: humor, misattributed-to-groucho-marx, time

6193 likes

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#2

“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”
― Oscar Wilde

tags: creation, god, humor, man

6389 likes

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#3

“I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”
― Groucho Marx, Groucho and Me

tags: clique, clubs, humor, membership

1871 likes

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#4

“The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.”
― H.L. Mencken

tags: age, humor, old, wisdom

2191 likes

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#5

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

tags: intelligence, self-deprecation

71920 likes

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#6

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
― Albert Einstein

tags: attributed-no-source, inspirational, life, live, miracle, miracles

50020 likes

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#7

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
― Jim Henson

26440 likes

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#8

“To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

tags: children, humor, paraphrased, parents

2166 likes

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#9

“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”
― Lily Tomlin

tags: humor, life, rat-race

1685 likes

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#10

“There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)”
― D. J. MacHale, The Quillan Games

tags: clowns, humor, people

1396 likes

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#11

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
― Steven Wright

tags: books, humor

860 likes

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#12

“I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.”
― Flannery O'Connor, The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O'Connor

tags: humor, wit

1137 likes

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#13

“Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.”
― Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book

659 likes

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#14

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

tags: humor, insanity, lies, lying, self-indulgence, truth

19833 likes

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#15

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
― W.C. Fields

7406 likes

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#16

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
― Steven Wright

tags: amnesia, humor, memory

4694 likes

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#17

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
― George Carlin

tags: animals, cats, dogs, humor, language

2151 likes

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#18

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
― steven wright

tags: humor

331 likes

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#20

“It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.”
― Andrew Jackson

339 likes

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#21

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
― George Burns

tags: age, humor

456 likes

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#23

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
― Mark Twain

tags: bank, bankers, humor

1603 likes

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#24

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
― Calvin Trillin

tags: cooking, food, humor, leftovers, mothers

412 likes

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#25

“The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.”
― Scott Adams

tags: food, humor

150 likes

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#26

“Truth would quickly cease to be stranger than fiction, once we got as used to it.”
― H. L. Mencken, A Little Book In C Major

tags: humor, philosophy, truth

239 likes

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#27

“I have made a lot of mistakes falling in love, and regretted
most of them, but never the potatoes that went with them.”
― Nora Ephron

tags: food, humor, love

210 likes

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#28

“A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch.”
― James Beard

tags: food, humor

93 likes

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#29

“If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.”
― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

tags: cats, humor, life

5194 likes

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#30

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
― Douglas MacArthur

tags: humor, military

400 likes

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#31

“Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good?”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, Danse Macabre

tags: compromise, humor

298 likes

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#32

“When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle.”
― Dr. Seuss, Fox in Socks

tags: childrens, humor

1708 likes

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humor
misattributed-to-groucho-marx
time
creation
god
man
clique
clubs
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old
wisdom
intelligence
self-deprecation
attributed-no-source
inspirational
life
live
miracle
miracles
children
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parents
rat-race
clowns
people
books
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lies
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amnesia
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love
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