Mike > Mike's Quotes

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#1

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
― Phyllis Diller

tags: anger, funny, sleep

8250 likes

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#2

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday, "Billy" Sunday, the man and his message: with his own words which have won thousands for Christ

tags: automobile, car, funny, humor, religious

8921 likes

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#3

“There are times when it is appropriate, even preferable, to get an erection when someone's face is in close proximity to your penis.

This was not one of those times.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

tags: funny

544 likes

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#4

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
― Cathy Guiswite

tags: eyes, funny, lemons

5192 likes

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#5

“This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.”
― Charles M. Schulz

tags: cute, funny, sad, stupid

1520 likes

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#6

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
― Mark Twain

tags: classic-insult, funeral, funny, humor

7634 likes

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#7

“How dare you open a spaceman's helmet on an uncharted planet? My eyeballs could've been sucked from their sockets!”
― Cathy East Dubowski, Disney's Toy Story

258 likes

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#8

“Of course you know, this means war.”
― Joe Adamson, Bugs Bunny: Fifty Years and Only One Grey Hare

261 likes

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#9

“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
― Bill Watterson

785 likes

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#10

“The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a mystery.”
― Rachel Vincent, Stray

tags: funny

566 likes

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#11

“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”
― Dave Barry

tags: funny, humour, jokes

543 likes

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#12

“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
― Marilyn Monroe

tags: dirty, funny, logo, sex

6870 likes

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#13

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”
― Steven Wright

tags: first, funny, skydiving

900 likes

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#14

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
― Will Rogers

tags: advice, funny, reticence, silence

2625 likes

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#15

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”
― Will Rogers

tags: advice, funny

85 likes

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#16

“Are you a female dog?"
"What?" Massie asked. "Why?"
"Because you are acting like a real bitch!”
― Lisi Harrison, The Clique

tags: bitch, clique, comebacks, dog, female, fun, funkalicous, funny, harrison, humor, lisi, massie

373 likes

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#17

“I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.”
― Steven Wright

22 likes

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#18

“According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.”
― Ashleigh Brilliant

41 likes

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#19

“I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead”
― Jeff Foxworthy

37 likes

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