Nikki > Nikki's Quotes

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West

“Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”
― Chelsea Handler

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”
― Chelsea Handler

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. I had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.”
― Chelsea Handler, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“I can't believe anyone would voluntarily run 26 miles. Sometimes I sit on the couch cross-legged because I don't feel like walking to the bathroom.”
― jen lancaster

“I don't mean to get all religious here, but I'm pretty sure key lime martinis (with a graham cracker & sugar rim) are proof that Jesus loves us.”
― Jen Lancaster

“You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.”
― Jen Lancaster, Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, or Why Pie Is Not the Answer

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
― Maya Angelou

“There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out.”
― Mae West

“Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.”
― Mae West

“I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman.”
― Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. ”
― Fran Lebowitz

“You realize that our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

“Its five o'clock some where”
― Kenny Chesney

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
― Ernest Hemingway

“Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that.”
― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

“Boys are like purses. You're always gonna have that one boy that you're always comfortable with and you know you'll always kind of like. That's your purse that you wear everywhere. Then you have that gorgeous bag that you want everyone to see you with but the gorgeous bag is usually an asshole or costs a lot of money. Then you have those other purses that you really like but you really don't want to be seen with”
― Lauren Conrad

“Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his real girlfriend.”
― Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

“I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.”
― Kathy Griffin

“So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.”
― Kathy Griffin

“I like men who have a future and women who have a past.”
― Oscar Wilde

“Men don't settle down because of the right woman. They settle down because they are finally ready for it. Whatever woman they're dating when they get ready is the one they settle down with, not necessarily the best one or the prettiest, just the one who happened to be on hand when the time got to be right. Unromantic, but still true.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton, A Kiss of Shadows

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”
― Bill Maher

“I'm not lazy. I'm simply judicious about excess movement.”
― Jen Lancaster, Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest to Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, or Why Pie Is Not the Answer

“Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.”
― Jen Lancaster, Bitter Is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office

“I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.”
― Jen Lancaster, Bright Lights, Big Ass