Chelsea Handler Quotes

“I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. I saw staring at the photo, wondering why this little boy looks so pissed off in every picture.

At first I thought he was just pissed about his Mohawk, but then I realized he’s probably furious. Maddox must have thought he hit the jackpot when some A-list celebrity rescued him from third-world Cambodia, only to discover that she was going to shuffle him back and for the to EVERY other third-world country in the universe. He’s probably like, 'When the fuck are we gonna get to Malibu, bitch?”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“Most men would never tell a girl her Pikachu smells like a crab cake. It's just not done. But they would have no qualms about telling their guy friends. Similarly, if you're a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you're with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”
― Chelsea Handler

“The people who don't get you are not your problem. Sitting around and thinking of all the people who don't love you or don't wanna hang out with you just diminishes your own light. Focus on where the light and love come from and park yourself in front of that. There are many moments in life when your own light is all you need.”
― Chelsea Handler, I'll Have What She's Having

“There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes.”
― Chelsea Handler