Josh Miller > Josh's Quotes

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
― George Carlin

“People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”
― George Carlin

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
― George Carlin

“So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”
― George Carlin

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
― George Carlin

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”
― George Carlin

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”
― George Carlin

“Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”
― George Carlin

“Religion is just mind control. ”
― George Carlin

“Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations that've long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pocket, and they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and the information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I'll tell you what they don't want. They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don't want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They're not interested in that. That doesn't help them.”
― George Carlin

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”
― George Carlin

“Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”
― George Carlin

“It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.' Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
― George Carlin

“And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. '200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore' is not nearly as interesting a headline as 'Charlie kills 200.' Death is much more satisfying and entertaining if you personalize it.

Me, I'm still waitin' for Hurricane Ed. Old Ed wouldn't hurt ya, would he? Sounds kinda friendly. 'Hell no, we ain't evacuatin'. Ed's comin'!”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. ”
― George Carlin

“You're just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day... The owners of this country know the truth... it's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it!”
― George Carlin

“Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s. ”
― George Carlin

“I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.”
― George Carlin

“And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, "Fuck waffles.”
― George Carlin

“Here’s another question I have. How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we’re better than chickens.

See, nobody can do it! You know why? ‘Cause chickens are decent people.
You don’t see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don’t see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When’s the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn’t happen, ’cause chickens are decent people.”
― George Carlin

“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. ”
― George Carlin

“The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.”
― George Carlin

“I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.”
― George Carlin, Brain Droppings

“As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.”
― George Carlin

“When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.”
― George Carlin

“Here's an interesting form of murder we came up with: assassination. You know what's interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry, but it's also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Did you ever notice who it is? Stop to think who it is we kill? It's always people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon, they all said, "Try to live together peacefully." BAM! Right in the fucking head. Apparently we're not ready for that.”
― George Carlin

“Females create life, males end it. War, crime, violence, are primarily male franchises. Man shit. It’s nature’s supreme joke.
Deep in the womb, men start out as the good thing, and wind up as the crappy thing. Not all men. Just enough. Just enough to fuck things up.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?