Sharon Conway > Sharon's Quotes

“Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?”
― Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

“Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”
― Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

“Jerry Falwell said that the reason that September 11th happened, the reason that God allowed it to happen, was because of certain people in our country. People like, and I'm quoting, 'the pagans,' which is a motorcycle group. Feminists; he brought up feminists. [...] And I couldn't believe it, he said that God had actually talked to him and said, these were the people. That was the reason. It was those people, and that was the reason God allowed this to happen. And I thought, 'That's odd.' Because God had called me twelve hours before, and He said the reason He was upset was because of people like Jerry Falwell.”
― Lewis Black

“It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!”
― Lewis Black

“Just relax and breathe through your ass.”
― Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

“A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!”
― Lewis Black

“Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!”
― Lewis Black

“Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.”
― Lewis Black, Nothing's Sacred

“They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.”
― Lewis Black

“I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.”
― Lewis Black

“That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone. ”
― Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

“Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.”
― Lewis Black

“There's no such thing as soy milk. It's just soy juice.”
― Lewis Black

“We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”
― Lewis Black, Me of Little Faith

“If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . )
< . ”
― Lewis Black

“Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible, it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. It's momentum, and once you get the momentum going, that's great, but it's a brutal experience in many, many ways. And when you're done, people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!”
― Lewis Black

“Apparently there is no profit in the unique, or not enough to make it worthwhile to preserve. Ultimately it drains the life out of us, and existentialism starts to make more and more sense. ”
― Lewis Black, Nothing's Sacred

“I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes”
― Lewis Black

“If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.”
― Lewis Black, I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas

“Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We're all shitty little snowflakes, dancing in the universe.”
― Lewis Black

“Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.”
― Lewis Black

“sometimes i wonder does god just not care are is he to busy ignoring your prayers”
― Lewis Black, Nothing's Sacred

“They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while on the shitter. No one reads great literature on the shitter.”
― Lewis Black

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin

“Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?

“Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”
― George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
― George Carlin

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
― George Carlin

“That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
― George Carlin