Bloodsucking Fiends Quotes

“She had a lot of nerve signing her note "Love." [...] But she did sign it that way: "Love." What did that mean? Did she mean it, or was it habit? She probably signed all of her letters with "Love." Dear Insured, We are sorry but your policy will not pay for your barium enema as it was done for recreational purposes. Love, Jody. Claims Dept...
Maybe not.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“Tommy moved on. "Lash, your people have been oppressed for hundreds of years. It's time to strike back. Look, you don't have your MBA yet - they haven't completely juiced you of your usefulness yet. Would Martin Luther King back down from this challenge? Malcolm X? James Brown? Don't you have a dream? Don't you feel good, like you knew that you would, now?”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“[in reference to turkey bowling] He [Tommy] squinted and picked his target, then took his steps and sent the bird sliding down the aisle. A collective gasp rose from the crew as the fourteen-pound, self-basting, fresh-frozen projectile of wholesome savory goodness plowed into the soap bottles like a freight train into a chorus line of drunken grandmothers.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“Inspector, there's no smoking allowed in here," said a uniformed officer who had been called to the scene.
Cavuto waved to the drawers [at the morgue]. "Do you think they mind?"
The officer shook his head. "No, sir."
Cavuto blew a stream of smoke at Gilbert [a dead guy]. "And him, do you think he minds?"
No, sir."
And you, Patrolman Jeeter, you don't mind, do you?"
Jeeter cleared his throat. "Uh...no, sir."
Well, good," Cavuto said. "Look, on the side of the car, Jeeter. It says 'Protect and Serve' not 'Piss and Moan.'"
Yes, sir.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“It's kinda hard to get yourself into a good three-toweler when you got the dick of death.”
― Christopher Moore, Bloodsucking Fiends

“It was as if vampirism carried with it a crampless case of rattlesnake PMS.”
― Moore, Christopher