Comedian Quotes

“Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough...I don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you.”
― Louis C.K.

“Every job from the heart is, ultimately, of equal value. The nurse injects the syringe; the writer slides the pen; the farmer plows the dirt; the comedian draws the laughter. Monetary income is the perfect deceiver of a man's true worth.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.”
― Louis C.K.

“Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!”
― Demetri Martin

“I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.”
― Demetri Martin

“Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today?
Peanut: Yes we had a great day!
Jose: No we did not.
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No we did not have a good day.
Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day!
What?
Jeff: Did you have a good day?
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Shut up
Jeff: A good day?
Peanut: Yes
Jose: No
Peanut: Shut up
Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa.
Peanut: I took him to the spa!
Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer.
Peanut: It's the same thing!!!”
― Jeff Dunham

“To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
― Steven Wright

“Glass half full, or glass half empty, what am I? The answer? I'm not the bloody glass, I'm the fucking tap! Meaning, whatever my glass decides to be on a certain day, empty or full, I control how I feel and the flow of the milkshake inside it”
― Jimmy Tudeski, Comedian Gone Wrong

“A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?”
― Bill Bailey

“The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don’t—whichever seems likelier to win an effect.”
― John Updike, Rabbit, Run

“The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.”
― John Oliver

“I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“Am I bothered? Am I bothered though. I ain't doing nothing cause I ain't bothered.”
― Catherine Tate

“Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.”
― Doug Stanhope

“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“My ship came in,then it sank!”
― Brian T. Shirley

“I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face.”
― Ben Stiller

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”
― Steven Wright

“You never know where one thing will lead...I guess the lesson is take every opportunity, because something might come of it.”
― Matthew Perry

“I know I always want to do the best I can.”
― Adam Sandler

“I think in my old age I've come to realize just how precious everything is and I try to value the many blessings that have been bestowed upon me, but there's also this sense of vulnerability if fortune took a turn for the worse and you live with the awareness that anything can happen in this world."
(said in an interview the year he died, 1998)”
― Phil Hartman

“I think in my old age I've come to realize just how precious everything is and I try to value the many blessings that have been bestowed upon me. But there's also this sense of vulnerability if fortune took a turn for the worse and you live with the awareness that anything can happen in this world.”
― Phil Hartman

“I think in my old age I've come to realize just how precious everything is and I try to value the many blessings that have been bestowed upon me. But there's also this sense of vulnerability if fortune took a turn for the worse and you live with the awareness that anything can happen in this world."
(said in an interview the year he died, 1998)”
― Phil Hartman

“Remember if people talk behind your back, it only means you're two steps ahead!”
― Fannie Flagg

“She seemed to feed on their laughter, and they on her humor, like the lily of the pond—sustained by the very water it purified.”
― Molly Collier, The Paragon

“Divorce is like surgery without anesthesia. You feel every cut, every tear, and it leaves you with scars you can't see, but you can feel every single day.”
― Paul Hogan

“Divorce is like surgery without anesthesia. You can feel every cut, every tear, and it leaves scars you can't see, but you feel every single day."
{referring to divorce from Linda Kozlowski, 2014)”
― Paul Hogan

“Divorce is like surgery without anesthesia. You can feel every cut, every tear, and it leaves scars you can't see, but you feel every single day."
(referring to divorce from Linda Kozlowski, 2014)”
― Paul Hogan