Contemporary Comedy Quotes

“I'm twenty-nine, happily single and getting it on a regular basis' I said, enjoying the way their thin lips hung open in an impressive O.

'Well I've never,' Jane gasped.

'Clearly. You should try it some time. I understand Mr Smith is so vision impaired you might have a shot there.'

Their appalled shrieks were music to my ears and I quickly made my escape.”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead

“Wait until you meet my family. At Thanksgiving, we kill everything we can find, put it into a pot, and call it 'holiday gumbo'.”
― Molly Harper, A Witch's Handbook of Kisses and Curses

“Do you mind if we leave here so I can chain smoke 'til I throw up so it will be easier to quit?”
― Robyn Peterman, Fashionably Dead

“...I supplied in a tone so saccharine that it should have tipped him off that his testicular health was in serious peril.”
― Molly Harper, The Care and Feeding of Stray Vampires

“While I had no intention of hooking up with him, I still wanted him to want to hook up with me.
It was the principle of the thing, after all.”
― Kimberly Raye, Dead End Dating

“A boot up the ass could be considered a 'nudge' right?”
― Molly Harper, How to Flirt with a Naked Werewolf

“It takes a while for the heat to work in this piece of shit, but when it kicks in, you’ll sweat like a fat whore at confession.”
― Robyn Peterman, How Hard Can It Be?

“Ophelia was beating some poor underling for not knowing her arse from the sparse collection of cells between her ears.”
― Molly Harper, The Care and Feeding of Stray Vampires

“Hubert's wife, Mindy, was a tiny powerhouse of a woman with a halo of wild blond hair and eye makeup so complex it took me a while to locate her pupils. She was clearly the brains of the operation, such as she was.”
― Molly Harper, A Witch's Handbook of Kisses and Curses

“Leave before I have to rip your eyes out with my dull Lady Bic razor.”
― Rose Pressey, How to Date a Vampire

“I've also been known to cry during MasterCard commercials.”
― Kimberly Raye, Dead End Dating

“He delivered the mail, ran our modest recycling program, and maintained our handful of public buildings. He also occasionally fell asleep while driving a snowplough, but he was such a cheerful guy it was hard to stay pissed at him. Besides every village needs an idiot.”
― Molly Harper, How to Flirt with a Naked Werewolf

“I'd rather drink my dinner out of a martini glass and follow it up with a cosmopolitan chaser.”
― Kimberly Raye, Dead End Dating

“I could run, too, but my feet hurt. It's tough being a fashion vixen.”
― Kimberly Raye, Dead End Dating

“I sighed. 'Ah spite, the stuff of fairy tales.”
― Molly Harper, How to Flirt with a Naked Werewolf

“He was always 'checking in' to see if I needed any help with my campaign, which on the surface seemed nice enough, but it was done in a condescending tone that made me want to staple his lip to his tie.”
― Molly Harper, My Bluegrass Baby

“I held it together for the rest of the drive home but as soon as Kelsey dropped me off I flopped face down on the couch and sobbed like a reality TV star on confessional day.”
― Molly Harper, My Bluegrass Baby

“She wasn't the type. Her idea of exercise was lifting a fork.”
― Rose Pressey, How to Date a Vampire

“I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and slammed it shut. I shouldn’t have come. I should have waited outside for Jack, told him my family had leprosy, and sent him on his merry way. After I boinked him in my new car.”
― Robyn Peterman, How Hard Can It Be?

“Cooper! Help!'
The coward turned and walked into the kitchen as if he hadn't seen me getting frogmarched by the estrogen squad.”
― Molly Harper, How to Flirt with a Naked Werewolf

“If one is going to spend her afternoon singing hymns to the great porcelain goddess, she might as well do it in a really plush ladies room. Stupid fear of public speaking.”
― Molly Harper, My Bluegrass Baby

“Some people say Earth is the bottom level of Purgatory.' She pointed toward the floor and frowned.
'I call it the top floor of Hell.”
― Tara West, Divine and Dateless

“You wish for what's called wooing. This customary game, where the man shows the woman that resistance is impractical, strikes me as quite pointless.”
― Tara West, Divine and Dateless

“Annabelle was practically standing on my back. It was like wearing an Annabelle backpack.”
― Rose Pressey, Forever Charmed

“The rest of the morning would consist of checking on a pothole in the parking lot of the village clinic and writing up a schedule for the community centre that might finally settle the ongoing feud between the local quilting group and the bridge club.

It was good to be queen.”
― Molly Harper, How to Flirt with a Naked Werewolf

“This look said I was uncomfortably near some line. Nikos had a lot of lines, all hidden. If you shot a marble in on one side of his personality, instead of coming out the other it would bounce on secret internal walls and shoot out in some unpredictable way. I suspected some of those ways were deadly.”
― Mary Hughes, The Bite of Silence

“Maybe younger than the thirty he looked, still caught in style over substance.”
― Mary Hughes, The Bite of Silence

“Just in front of her lay the Congaree Swamp National Forest. To prove it, a mosquito the size of a kitten landed on her arm and prepared to drill.”
― Sela Carsen, Carolina Wolf