Humor Aging Quotes

“Excerpt—
So, let’s review, Doc…
To maintain this ‘effortlessly’ youthful appearance of mine, I’ll need to schedule hormone therapy, use a daily regimen of retinol and vitamin C for my face, apply cream tighteners for my neck, engage in about a thousand facial exercises a day, and
even sleep on my head for good anti-gravity measure.
Oh, and let’s not forget walking around the house with a pulsating light laser on my face. And of course, maintaining a rabbit-ona-food-strike diet and drinking water until I’m sick of the taste.
No more wine, just CBD mood relaxers, and don’t forget the waist cincher! The more out of breath, the better.
There’s minoxidil for my shedding hair, collagen supplements, and protein peptides. Then there are the laser treatments, bi-annual Botox, and facial injections.
And let’s not forget, the copper socks for ankle swelling, magnetic bracelets and rings, and higher strength readers every few months.
Not to mention, keeping a handy lighted magnifier near my bed for emergencies and replacement pillowcases for the heat and sweat eruptions.
For the aches and pains, there’s Ibuprofen for my back. And let’s not forget, to keep arthritis at bay (and keep my hands from looking like a turnip), hot paraffin wax—and giant sock and foot booties at bedtime... all while staring at the ceiling like a zombie at 3 am with my neck floating in a tsunami of sweat.
...And just when I thought I could relax, I’ve got to try my best to make painful sex winces sound like erotic pleasure groans,
(all for his precious ego).
Resist the urge to give my hubby just one good slap square across his face for just being a man. And not be pissed at his ability to jump up, take a shower, shave, and be out the door in 20 minutes.
And most importantly, every single day, deliver a smile for the cameras and say, “I feel freaking awesome”!!!
So, Doc, when do I get to kick back and enjoy life?”
― Gabrielle Jordan, Help! My Face Is Falling!: Aging: No Grace Required