Jasper Fforde Quotes

“He spent his life immersed in books to the cost of everything else, even personal relationships. "Friends," he'd once said, "are probably great, but I have forty thousands friends of my own already, and each of them needs my attention.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Woman Who Died a Lot

“...the landscape inside Lord of the Rings was so stunning and so stupendous that it could be absorbed as a form of nourishment.”
― Jasper Fforde, One of Our Thursdays Is Missing

“Don't move," said Sprockett."Mimes don't generally attack unless they are threatened.”
― Jasper Fforde, One of Our Thursdays Is Missing

“Comedy was one of those genres that while appearing quite jolly was actually highly dangerous.”
― Jasper Fforde, One of Our Thursdays Is Missing

“...being written by someone who might not quite understand the subconscious nuance of the character leaves us in varying degrees of flatness.”
― Jasper Fforde, One of Our Thursdays Is Missing

“They had just digested a recent meal of prepositions and were happily farting out apostrophes and ampersands; the air was heav'y with th'em&.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Eyre Affair

“A Quarkbeast is a small hyena-shaped creature that is covered in leathery scales and often described as: 'One tenth Labrador, six-tenths velociraptor and three-tenths kitchen food blender.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Song of the Quarkbeast

“magic swirls about us like an invisible fog of energy that can be tapped by those gifted enough, using a variety of techniques that center on layered spelling, mumbled incantations, and a burst of concentrated thought channeled through the index fingers. The technical name for this energy is "variable electro-gravitational mutable subatomic force," which doesn't mean anything at all--confused scientists just gave it an important-sounding name so as not to lose face. The usual term is "wizidrical energy," or simply "the crackle.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Song of the Quarkbeast

“Good," said Moobin. "Any questions?"
"Yes," said Tiger. "Why do inflammable and flammable mean the same thing?"
"Sorry, I should rephrase that: Any questions relating to the job at hand?"
There weren't.
"Well," said Moobin with finality, "there it is, then. Rest well.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Song of the Quarkbeast

“...Mind you, if we we're talking about regeneration, we could go a step further and take a leaf out of the sponge book. There are sponges you can chop to pieces, whiz up in the blender, and then press through a sieve, but they'll still regenerate."
"Useful, maybe," I replied, "but I think there is a limit to the amount of fun you could have as a sponge.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Last Dragonslayer

“You're the Cheshire Cat, aren't you?' I asked.

'I was the Cheshire Cat,' he replied with a slightly aggrieved air. 'But they moved the county boundaries, so technically speaking I'm now the Unitary Authority of Warrington Cat, but it doesn't have the same ring to it.”
― Jasper Fforde, Lost in a Good Book

“I see you've met Patrick of Ludlow," I replied, trying to stifle a giggle, for Tiger was thirty feet up in the shabby atrium , perched high upon a chandelier. "How long have you been up there?"
"Half an hour," he answered crossly, "with only a lot of dust and the Transient Moose for company.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Last Dragonslayer

“After almost two hours, the phone rang. I could guess who it was.
"Hello, Blix," I said before he could say anything. "Adding kidnapping to your long list of felonies?"
"We prefer to think of it as 'vacationing at the specific invitation of His Majesty," replied Blix. "Open the top drawer of the bureau."
I did so, and found a contract for Kazam to concede the competition, with all the details that Blix had already outlined. The document had been prepared by a law firm in Financia and registered with the Ununited Kingdoms Supreme Court, so even if King Snodd had wanted to reverse the deal, he couldn't.
"It's all there," said Blix. "I knew my or the King's word wouldn't be good enough, so I made it official. Sign it and your vacation in the North Tower is over."
"And if I don't?"
"Then you'll stay there until six Mondays from now, and we'll have Kazam for nothing."
"Blix?"
"Yes?"
"Are you in the castle watching the top of the North Tower at the moment?"
"I might be."
I ripped the phone from the wall and tossed it out the open window. The telephone took almost five seconds to hit the ground. It was a pointless gesture, but very satisfying.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Song of the Quarkbeast

“Tale a rain check on that date?' I said, turning to Perkins. 'In the Magic Industry,it's kind of "Spell First, Fun Second".'
'I kind of figured that,' he replied, 'so why don't we make this assignment the date?' Intimate candlelit dinners for two are wildly overrated. I could even bring some sandwiches and a Thermos of hot chocolate.'
'Okat,' I said, touching his hand, 'you're in. A sort of romantic uncandlelit "recapturing a dangerously savage beast for two" sort of date - but no dressing up and we split the cost.'
'Game on. I'll go and make some sandwiches and a Thermos.'
And with another chuckle, he left.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Eye of Zoltar