Sedaris Quotes

“The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing someone else stopped me completely.”
― David Sedaris, Naked

“You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popeye, our calico tom, and said, 'You're the cat now, Popeye, you're the cat,' as if she'd always worn a veil over her face and had never known we were men and cats all along.”
― David Sedaris

“Sometimes things happen and I don’t know what to do with my face.”
― David Sedaris, A Carnival of Snackery: Diaries 2003-2020

“It hardly seemed fair, because, unlike a horse or a Seeing Eye dog, the whole glory of being a bird is that nobody would ever put you to work.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

“I once considered suing Farrah Fawcett for invasion of privacy. Hardly a day passed when I didn't see her on a magazine cover, an ad, a poster. She was destroying my life, but now she's OK.”
― David Sedaris, Theft by Finding: Diaries 1977-2002

“Cand nu aveam de munca, preferam sa dorm cat de mult puteam - undeva intre dousprezece si paisprezece ore mi se parea un inceput bun. somnul te scuteste de umilinte si te ajuta sa economisesti bani: nu mananci nimic, nu cheltuiesti bani pe nimic, ci doar stai pe spate si visezi. Ma trezeam duoa-masa, ma uitam la serialele preferate de la televizor, dupa care ma tranteam pe canapea pentru inca o repriza de cateva ore de somn. Devenise un fel de hobby ca in fiecare zi, la ora 17:00, sa ma uit pe ziar la oferte de munca intrebandu-ma cine se califica, oare, pentru acele posturi: paznic de seif, vanzator pre-press, evaluator tehnic. Acum serios, aratati-mi si mie un copil care viseaza sa devina, cand va fi mare, verificator de mate pentru carnati.”
― David Sedaris, Naked

“I have $211 and it doesn't make any sense.”
― David Sedaris, Theft by Finding: Diaries 1977-2002

“Ours is the only club I’d ever wanted to be a member of, so I couldn’t imagine quitting.”
― David Sedaris, Calypso