Tv Hosts Quotes

“Taggart finally broke the pattern. "Can you at least explain why?"
Jane growled. God, she hated being outnumbered. This was like riding herd on her little
brothers, only worse because "I'll beat you if you do" wasn't an acceptable answer. "First rule of
shooting a show on Elfhome." She grabbed Hal and made him face each of the two newbies so
there was no way they could miss the mask of dark purple bruises across Hal's face. "Avoid
getting 'The Face' damaged. Viewers don't like raccoon boys. Hal is out of production until the
bruising can be covered with makeup. We've got fifty days and a grocery list of face-chewing
monsters to film. We have to think about damage control."
"Second rule!" She let Hal go and held up two fingers. "Get as much footage as possible of the
monster before you kill it. People don't like looking at dead monsters if you don't give them lots
of time seeing it alive. Right now we have got something dark moving at night in water. No one
has ever seen this before, so we can't use stock footage to pad. We blow the whistle and it will
come out of the water and try to rip your face off – violating rule one – and then we'll have to kill
it and thus break rule two."
"Sounds reasonable," Taggart said.
"Would we really have to kill it?" Nigel's tone suggested he equated it to torturing kittens.
"If it's trying its damnest to eat you? Yes!" Jane cried.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“We thought we should list all legendary animals," Nigel explained – apparently without
realizing it – why they had visa problems. "Can't hurt to ask. Dragons are real, right?"
"Elves say they are." Jane desperately wanted a scotch but if she had one, Hal couldn't resist
needing one, and she didn't want go back down that road. "This list is suicidal if you're not
willing to defend yourself. This isn't Earth, where you can sit in your Jeep and take picture of
lions, or go sit in the middle of a bunch of apes. Most of these things will peel open an SUV like
it’s a can of sardines and make a snack of everything inside."
"It would be amusing to watch but it would end badly for you," Hal murmured. It was hard to
tell if he was making a play on his previous statement or if he didn't realize he was repeating
himself.
"The list is a starting point." Nigel leaned forward, face lighting up with inner fire. "To get us
in the door. What we want is all of Elfhome. To revel in all that it has to offer. The virgin iron
wood forest. The beautiful immortal elves. The strange and magical beasts. And the humans that
live peacefully side by side with all this."
Jane shook her head, trying to resist the power of a TV host beaming at her one-on-one.
"Don't snow job me."
"I've seen this kind of shit before," Taggart said with quiet intensity. "When a country goes
dark, its means someone has something it's trying to hide. And often what they're hiding is
horrible war crimes like mass graves and attempted genocide. Someone is keeping the media out
of Pittsburgh.”
― Wen Spencer, Project Elfhome

“Mother Superior of the Sisters of Mercy herself was lying in wait for Jane at the foyer. "You
have to keep in mind we only can restock our supplies once a month. Frankly, it always stresses
our supplies of medications when Mr. Rogers is having a streak of bad luck. With fighting
breaking out right and left..."
"Mother Superior, this is Nigel Reid. Nigel, Mother Superior is head of the nuns that oversee
this hospital. Anyone attacked by a monster is brought here to be treated."
Which of course was all that took. TV hosts were kind of like napalm. You threw them at any
major infestation and they cleaned out the area of all hostiles.
Nigel lit up as if introduced to Santa Claus. "Oh, how simply wonderful to meet you!"
Taggart caught what she had done and his eyes glittered with his smile. "That was pure evil."
"Judicial use of resources is always appropriate.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“Get dressed!" She gave him a shove and turned around so she wouldn't be flashed as well as
mooned. Although after five years working together – and all various plant assisted disrobing
and the subsequent ambulance rides -- she'd seen the entire package more times than she could
count.
"Does Dmitri know he's here?" Hal asked and then answered himself. "Of course Dmitri
knows. Dmitri knows everything. He's freaking omniscient. That's just an act when he calls right
in the middle of something amazing and goes 'what are you doing?' like he doesn't damn well
know you plan a glorious explosion. Just freaking glorious."
Hal was rambling on about his recent misadventure with high explosives. If Taggart weren't
standing there, she would take advantage of Hal's drugged state and quiz him on that, because
she still was trying to figure out where he got the C4. More importantly, if the source was going
to supply him with more in the future.
The network cameraman was eyeing Hal over her shoulder with open surprise and dismay.
"What exactly happened this morning? He looks like he's been flogged."
"We were victorious!" Hal shouted. "We looked that thing in all seventy-four eyes and burned
out its heart!"
Jane sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. So many things wrong in that sentence, she
wasn't even going to try. God, she prayed that Nigel wasn't anything like Hal. "Right, let's get
going. I want to get home before dark.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“He gazed at her with open worry. "Are you okay?"
"Just – just…" Needed to remember that she was extremely pissed at him for invading her
life. "I had a nightmare."
He quirked an eyebrow.
"Lawn gnomes had taken Hal. I couldn't find him."
"Ah, so you don't really hate him?"
She was caught off guard by the question. "No! Why would you say that?"
"Friendship is a rare beast in our line. Most people only fake it."
"I don't fake anything.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“Having plowed through all three channel's news crews, it was no surprise that Dmitri called
moments later. Jane winced at her phone's screen and glanced toward Mark's cameraman to
verify that Dmitri was probably watching her as well.
"Hm?" Jane tried for innocent sounding.
"What are you doing?" Dmitri asked totally deadpan.
"Omniscient," Hal sang quietly.
Jane snorted. Nothing supernatural about Dmitri's ability when half the time they were
beaming straight to the studio, just in case Hal managed to blow up the entire neighborhood.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden

“Nigel crouched beside the shark. It dwarfed him. "While the largest of Earth's requiem sharks
rival the Great Whites, Elfhome's river sharks are remarkably larger. This one here is nearly five
meters long. The record here in Pittsburgh is an unbelievable six point four meters. What do
these massive creatures eat? Let's see!"
In a move rival to one of Hal's, Nigel plunged his whole arm into the slit cut in the shark's
stomach. He jerked back his hand wrapped in the pulsing glowing mass of a water fairy. "What
do we have here?"
"Put it down!" Jane cried in warning.
"Trying to," Nigel said calmly despite the wince of pain that flashed across his face.
"That's a water fairy." Hal whipped out his ever-present expandable grab-stick. Joining Nigel
in the frame, he used the tool to pry the gleaming mass from Nigel's hand. "It's a distant cousin
of the cuttlefish that has been crossed with a jellyfish. This one is just a baby, but still a sturdy
little critter, despite its appearance."
"How poisonous is it?" Taggart murmured as the water fairy was peeled free to expose a
massive welt on Nigel's hand.
"Not very. Keep filming." Jane headed to her truck for her first aid kit.”
― Wen Spencer, Pittsburgh Backyard and Garden