Vampire Humor Quotes

“What kind of monster are you anyway? You should be more humane, Gennady!"
"I was humane when I was alive," said the vampire.”
― Sergei Lukyanenko, The Last Watch

“What's up with you? I can't remember when I've ever heard you so affected by a woman. Sure you didn't prong her with the sharps and the blunt?”
― Laurie London, Bonded by Blood

“You staked him. You actually staked him."

"It was handy. Let's get those medics in here. I don't want this guy skipping out on multiple murder charges by dying on me. I want to know the minute he's able to talk. I think we're going to get an interesting confession."

"It's supposed to be the heart." she heard Peabody mutter. "It's really supposed to be the heart."

Eve blew out a long breath. "Keep it up, Peabody, and I may have Mira shrink your head after she's done with the second-rate Dracula”
― J.D. Robb, Eternity in Death

“My pots and pans are in the shop. Being repaired.”
― Jenna Levine, My Roommate Is a Vampire

“Shall we stay out here, so we won't wake your friends?"
It was news to me that our conversation was going to last that long. Apparently, Bill hadn't come over just to borrow a cup of blood.”
― Charlaine Harris, Dead Reckoning

“Was this a bad thing for a Christian to be doing? Probably. On the other hand, it had never occurred to me to ask the Methodist minister if he had a ritual in place to sever a blood bond between a woman and a vampire.”
― Charlaine Harris, Dead Reckoning

“I know I say people suck, but I didn't mean it literally.”
― J.D. Robb, Eternity in Death

“Vampires suck blood, but as a vampire, you just kinda suck.”
― Alix Adale, Night is Magic