Scribblers' Haven discussion

Please give me all your feed back and healthy criticism. Ok guys thanks!

BUT ME:
Elisabeth R.

If one shall say I go for his benefit
And the other for his
Then I shall go for my own
If one say I shall love him
And the other
my hatred therefore will be shone
if one say I am beautiful
and the other the same
I shall not be beautiful and thus refrain
If one say I am a lover
And the other I am a fighter
Then I will be both
If one say I shall go
And the other say it as well
then I should surely stay
Because no one can tell me what to do
and no one determines my future
But me.

***

FEELING OF THE DEAD:
Elisabeth R

I am dead but feel as I am alive
I witness but never experience others lives
I sleep in the dirt which is now my home
Once I did have a nice home of my own
I threw my life away
And regret it to this very day
As I watch families talking and eating together
I remember my life and how I never did those things
For I thought they were a waste of time
You never know what you are missing until your dead
Now it’s my job to watch others live what I did not
And thank goodness be to God they have another shot
My life is over but I wish the best for theirs
My life ended but theirs has just begun
Don’t throw your life away on the petty things and waste your life in strife
Make the most import things be family faith and life.



RUN FROM THE MAN:
Elisabeth R

There’s a man he’s chasing me
Gaining with every stride
There’s a man he’s chasing me
I’m running to stay alive
He’s masked in black no shadow does he cast
I never know how close he is until I strain for breath
I feel him on my heel am I dead yet?
Theres a man chasing me of whom I can’t escape
There’s a man chasing you ready to transport you to the grave
He started far behind,
but as we ran I got tired then one day I died.

***


THOSE ALIVE AND THOSE DEAD:
Elisabeth R

Tonight is the night of the haunting hour
Tonight I do regret
For all my fears come alive
those alive and those that are dead
tonight is the bewitching hour
where all the witches appear
and ride on their brooms and cast me in the air
black demons creep across my wall without a hint remorse
all the images that haunt me have now been reborn
they have bladed teeth and I hear their laughter in my ear
it sounds of a demons cry high pitch queer
I feel a slight chill on my ear
It comes and goes in a rhythmic rhyme
It must be the ghost of my dreams
come to pry my soul from it’s seam
Tonight is the night of the haunting hour
Tonight I do regret
For all my fears come alive
those alive and those that are dead.

The Sea:
Elisabeth R.

Today a great man died.
Today a humble soul was sent to rest.
Today was the graves victory,
tomorrow is a time unsaid.
The great the brave the caring and the kind have all been washed away.
and a sea forms beneath us
and the waves rage
and the sun goes dark
what is night from day.
Don't go sailing on the seas
don't get in the boat
there is no chance you survive
there is no chance you will float.
You will be washed into the deep depths.
And as it roars the thunder cries
"I love you too" its last words
"Goodbye."
Today a great man died.
Today a humble soul was sent to rest.
Today was the graves victory,
tomorrow is a time unsaid.

((in the loving memory of my grandfather Albert Dorland Hopson age 68. Died: November 12th, 2012. 11/12/12))

(haiku I wrote in in English today.)
(before I begin I want to explain: I haiku is a poem that has for the dirt stanza has the syllable pattern 5: first like 7: second line 5:third line. We had to right ours on out favorite season and depict a image from it. Can you guess mine?)

The wind blows softly
Nature sings it's song, sweet hum
And down comes the sun

((do sorry about the last post I had A LOT of errors.))

I love your writing! You're VERY good. He one about your grandfather reminds me of one I wrote about my aunt Billie Jo. Great job:)

*the one

Thank you very much!

No problem:)

Thank you guys so much! It really is great to finally have some one read my stuff (and like it of course) so thank you again.

Elisabeth these are good! They(esp. The Sea, But Me, and Those Alive and Those Dead) are wonderful, I mean they're so evocative, and pretty, and sometimes even spine-chilling. Woooow. Jolly good job!
Thanks for writing 'em ;),

-Carolle.

"FEELING OF THE DEAD"
"RUN FROM THE MAN"
"THOSE ALIVE AND THOSE DEAD"

Perfection! ^w^