Y.A WRITERS! discussion

So I've been writing this fanfiction and wanted to know what you all think. When I first wrote it it was in third person, but I thought it would sound better in first so I changed it. When you read it please give me your honest opinion.

Before I begin I would just like to say that I own nothing. I would like to thank Stephanie Meyer for giving me the idea for this fan fiction, and Christina Perri for writing the song that inspired this fan fiction.

A Thousand Years

Intro

Hey, my name is Edward, and this is my story. I never thought that I would one day find the love of my life. I lived in a family with six other people, and I often felt like the seventh wheel to them. I thought I found love once, but it wasn't meant to be. I thought I would be alone forever until Alice had a vision that changed my life forever.

Chapter 1: The Day We Met

It was a typical rainy day in Portland, and I had just came home from work, and was feeling very tried.
"Hey," Alice said as I come through the door.
"Hey," I replied hanging up my coat.
"So I was thinking you and I should do something tonight", Alice smiled.
"I'm not in the mood", I answered going up the stairs to my room. I wasn't really in the mood for a lot of things lately.
"What's your problem lately? You don't seem to want to do anything fun anymore", Alice said following him up the stairs.
"I'm just not in the mood," I snapped shutting the door in my sister's face. I really hated how pushing she could be sometimes, but I still loved her. I just never had the time to do all the things she wanted me to do. After a long day of work the last thing I wanted to do was go out. The office put too many cases on my plate for me to go out. Sometimes I had to bring work home with, which made Alice very mad.
The next day at work was just like all the there days. My boss would give me two new cases to work on, but I never had time for them because I was always working on the ones from the day before. I really didn't enjoy my job, but I had to pay the bills somehow.
After work I was on my way home when I got a strange call from Alice. I didn't quite understand what she wanted when she called, but I answered anyway.
"Edward, I know you just got off work. But you need to come to the hospital right now," she said nearly crying.
"Why, Alice, what's wrong?" I asked. I was really confused has to why Alice was calling me.
"Esme's in the hospital, and she's hurt really bad," she replied sobbing.
"Oh my word, what happen", I asked nearly sobbing myself.
"She was home alone, like aways, when someone broke in the house, and stabbed her in the stomach six time," Alice replied crying."
"Oh my word. Okay I'm on my way", I answered hanging up the phone.
I then drove as fast as I could to the hospital. I just couldn't believe that something like this would happen to Esme. Of all the people in the world it had to be my mother. When I got to the hospital I found Alice in the waiting room crying.
"How is she?", I asked hugging her.
"Not very good, but they said she would live. Lucky the stab wounds didn't hit any of her organs," she said nearly in tears again.
"Oh, Alice, it's going to be okay," I reassured her. Just as I helped her sit down Jasper came walking into the waiting room.
"How is she?", Jasper asked coming to sit by Alice. Alice leaded into him letting her tears stain his shirt.
"Esme has six stab wound, and none of them touched her organs. She's in bad shape, but the doctor says she'll live", I said reassuring him.
"Well, that's good," he replied hugging Alice tightly, and kiss her forehead. "Hey, I'll stay here with Alice if you want to go home. You look like you could use some sleep."
"That's very nice of you. I have been meaning to catch up on sleep, and would love to go home," I respond.
"And you should," he added patting me on the back.
"I'll see you later,"I said getting up and heading home. I really didn't want to leave them, but I was very tired and need to go home.
When I was on my way out to my car that's when I saw her. She was so beautiful with her brown hair, and deep brown eyes. It was all I could do to look away. I wanted so badly to know her name, but I knew now was no to time. So I would have to wait until I saw her again.
On the way home I could get her out of my head. I didn't even know her, and she was clouding my every thought. I wanted so badly to turn around and go talk to her, but I had idea what to say to her. For the first time in my life I woman has made me speechless.
That night it was hard to sleep. What with Esme in the hospital, and my every thought on the girl, sleeping was impossible. I wake much tired than when I went to bed. With my lack of sleep, today was going to be even hard. I just hope I can make it through okay. By the time lunch came around, I was exotic to leaved work. While on my lunch break I saw her again, and this time I made our paths cross. She was eating lunch in a small cafe when I saw her so I went inside.
"I'm so sorry," she said when I bumped into her. Her voice was so beautiful it made me freeze still for a moment.
"It's okay, I'm Edward," I said politely.
"I'm Bella, care to join me?", she asked.
"I'd love to," I respond cheerfully as I sat down. "I saw you the other day, but I was a little scared to say hi to you."
"Oh, don't be. It would have been lovely to meet you then," she said cheerful.
"Yes, it would have," I answered.
The rest of our lunch carried on like this. When I went back to work I couldn't focus because she was all I could think about. It was little my every thought was about her. From the way she looked to the way she acted. Everything was about her. It was like my whole world had turn upside down in just a matter of minutes, and she became my everything. I just hope she feels the same way I do.
Chapter 2: Hearts Beats Fast

The next day I thought I would go see how Esme was doing at the hospital. When I got there Emmett and Rosalie where in the room with her.
"How's she doing today?", I asked coming to stand next to them.
"Better, I guess. She's been in a coma for quite awhile," Emmett responded holding onto Rosalie.
"Mom, I love you. Please wake up," I plied move to her side, and taking her hand. She looked so fragile laying there.
"It'll be okay," Emmett said patting me on the back.
"How do you know that?", I asked.
"I don't, but I have faith. I'm just as worried about her as you are, but I know the doctors will take good care of her," he answered trying to calm me down.
"Yeah, I know. It's just hard to believe at that's our mother lying there," I said siting on the bed next to Emse.
"It's hard for me to believe it too," Rosalie cried, choking on her works.
"It's going to be okay," Emmett soothed kissing her forehead.
It was quite for awhile. We were all just too worried to talk. A little while later I decided it was best I go home. It had been a long day, and I was in the need for some sleep. When I got home I went and took a hot shower to relax. Then in my room I lied on my bed relaxing until I fell asleep. I most have been really tired because my alarm went off for about five minutes before I even got up.
Work the next day was terrible. My boss thought it would be fun to pile up my work load so I had to stay late. When I finally got to leave work I saw her again. She was getting into her car, but didn't notice me the way I noticed her. She looked so beautiful it was breathe taking. On my way home my every thought was on her again. It was like every time I saw her my thought were about her.

Poema (Elizabeth) wrote: "You have some grammar and spelling mistakes. I suggest that you read the story out loud to yourself.

I am not a big fan of the protagonist introducing himself in the beginning like "Hey, I am so-..."

Yes, it made sense. And thank you for your review. I will try to post more of it for you as soon as I can.

Poema (Elizabeth) wrote: "Hey! I moved this topic to "Do Not Disturb! Y.A. at Work!" Just to be neater, okay?"

That's fine.

So I have more of it done if you would like to read it. This takes place right where the other part left off. Here it is, enjoy:

"I really hope to talk to her again," I thought has I walked into the house. When I got inside I went straight to my room. I was too tried to do anything else, and I didn't want to run into Alice again. But to my surprise, there was Alice in my room siting on my bed.
"What do you want, Alice?", I asked setting my stuff by the door.
"Am I not aloud to talk to my bother, or is that illegal?", she questioned.
"Alice, I'm not in the mood for any of your games."
"You're never in the mood, and I hate seeing you sit around here wasting your life away."
"I appreciate your concern, but what I do with my life is none of your business."
"Edward, I'm just trying to help."
"Maybe I don't want your help. I'm a grown man. I don't need my little sister trying to take care of me. I love you, but you can be a bit much sometimes."
"Well, if you did something with our life I wouldn't have to be this way."
"It's hard to do anything when you have me living under a microscope."
"I'm sorry you feel that way," she said softly.
"It's okay," I responded coming to sit next to her. "If you want we can go do something Saturday night if you wish."
"Really!? You'd do that for me?", she asked.
"Anything to make you happy," I smiled.
"Edward, you're the best," Alice exclaimed hugging me around the neck, "I'll go start planning. Oh, Edward, this is going to be so much fun."
"I sure hope so," I said as she left the room.

If you guys have any ideas on where it would go from here let me know, and I will take your suggestings into consideration.

Here's the next little bit of chapter 2 I've written I hope you like it.


The next day after work I wasn't surprised when I found Alice wanting for me at home. I had almost forgotten we were going to do something tonight when I told my boss I would work Saturday. Alice seemed happy to see me when I walked in.
"Hi, Edward. Really for our date?," she asked.
"Yeah. Just let me go change into something a bit more comfortable," I replied heading for the stairs.
"Okay. Just don't take to long."
When I finally came back down stairs Alice was waiting by the door. She seemed pretty excited about this.
"Alice, what exactly are we doing tonight?," I asked as I walked toward her.
"It's a surprise. You'll have to wait to find out," she answer smiling.
When Alice and I left we took her car. She did want me to drive because she thought that would give away to surprise. So the whole ride there I was racking my brain trying to figure out where she was taking me.

Hm so is this like Twilight where the Cullens aren't vampires? Like Poema (Elizabeth) said, it would be good to go through it just a couple times for the small stuff, but I like it so far.

Thanks. I've been really busy so I haven't had the time to work on it, but I hope to finish it.

I know it's been a while but I've decided not to finish this one. I just don't know where to take it, and I'm getting tried of writing Twilight fanfiction. So I've started a new Vampire Diaries fanficion called "I intend to be you last." Here is the link to the first chapter on fanfiction: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10136042...

I hope you all like it, and give it great review. I will hopefully have the next chapter up as soon as I can.