MK & TCK Book Club discussion

FACILITATOR: EMILY MCDERMOTT

Emily McDermott became interested in cross-cultural communication during her graduate work at American University. While she has not had the experience of a CCK or TCK, she has an interest in supporting children and families going through transition, which led her to the Families in Global Transition (FIGT) organization and board role, where she has served since 2014. Emily became familiar with FIGT while working at Dwellworks , a destination services company assisting relocating expats and their families. Currently she serves as Operations Manager to GAP Solutions, a government contractor in the metro Washington DC area where she provides communications and business development support. Emily is active within her church’s Children’s Ministry where she leads elementary school worship. Emily enjoys dancing, skiing, writing, and traveling. You can find her at @simplyemmyblog on Twitter or http://simplyemmy.blogspot.com .

The motivation was always very simple... since no one really believed that you grew in China [like me] or where ever overseas... you listen and observe first - in any environment and mimic that environment. I went to give a research paper in Alabama once in my sophomore year at UCLA... and I first learned that they loved particular foods, NASCAR and just "being southern". So when I got there I did everything to blend in... and I actually "talked a great NASCAR stream... even though I had never even seen a race. You series of questions above smack of a shrink asking "How did you FEEL blah blah blah?" TCK are simply tired of explaining ourselves to geographically challenged friends... so it is easier to just tell 'em you're from [pick a high school that is a couple of counties over] and be done with it.

I have seen both my children (TCKs) become cultural chameleons. And - they do it with ease. I find it amazing when they throw enough local language and sites to sound like an expert or local. I can see it being sort of like Peter's comment on NASCAR. I am always amazed how their switching is a very thought out option.

I throw in enough "local" so others don't notice how out of place I am. How alone I feel in the "other" culture. I hid the real me because no one would understand. I had a pet chameleon as a child, my Mom covered tin cans with construction paper I would put in the cage to make it change color. It would be what ever color I put in. Can a chameleon ever be it's real color? The only place I can be the real me is with other chameleons, MKs.

If I felt uncomfortable in a different cultural situation, I'd isolate for a bit, research the issue at hand and "cram", like an actor preparing for a role. But I would never pretend like I knew everything; I'd let the most informed members of the group dominate the conversation. Like sports, for instance. I try to wrap my head around football, but it takes a lifetime to learn about the stats that dominate the conversation. And if I sounded out of place asking for clarification, I'd say, "well, I grew up overseas."

Years ago, I listened to a French radio interview with Candace Bergen, who gave a perfect example of her years in France and her attempts to blend in culturally. She described hanging out at cafes, sitting on the outskirts of groups who would be talking about philosophy, and a year later she was invited into their circles. But she spent another year listening before she would be asked to participate, and a year later she was asked to lead discussions...sage advice for us chameleons.

First I just want to say that it seems like being a cultural chameleon is a somewhat natural thing for anyone, TCK or not. We all desire to fit in to our surroundings because it's more comfortable than being a misfit, obviously. :) Babies start out observing and mimicking those around them, so it's a natural human thing to do. But I do believe that TCK's can find themselves needing to reconfigure how to talk/dress/act a lot more often and more dramatically than mono-cultural people.

The question was asked about motives for being a "chameleon." For me it's two-fold (most of the time). I want to avoid embarrassment, keep a low profile and avoid being seen as a weirdo or an ignoramus. But I also don't want to cause uncomfortable feelings in other people or disrupt normal social interactions because of my awkward cultural bumblings.

Here's a story of how one situation affected me. Besides growing up as a TCK, I've been serving as a career missionary with my husband in Papua New Guinea since our first year of marriage in 1991. We're usually on the field for 4-5 years, then Stateside for a year. A few years back we were Stateside and I was invited to a baby shower. I had two gifts and I carefully wrapped them, taped them up, etc, only to find that everyone else who came to the party had used gift bags. So I felt a little self-conscious about it, but THEN ... when the mother-to-be got to my gift, she made a comment about how tightly wrapped up it was - I can't remember now, but it was some joke about how she was going to have to work for it to get it open, and everyone laughed. I was SO embarrassed. To this day, if I have to take a gift anywhere, I fork out the extra bucks to make sure it's in a gift bag - even when I later see other people's gifts are still sometimes wrapped with paper and tape the "old" way. But it's like it's imprinted on my brain to not make that mistake again.

I can't think of any specific examples at the moment, but I definitely relate to this kind of thinking.

Not sure if this fits in exactly but, for most of my life (I'm almost 50) I have feared and resisted the idea of ever just settling down in the U.S. to live in one place and to go work every day at some meaningless business for years on end. It gave me a feeling of near panic, as if I'd be smothered and driven to insanity with the boredom and monotony and emptiness of it. So as a young person I was never interested in dating anyone who wasn't headed to the mission field. And I don't regret the way my life as gone having married another single missionary.

What I do feel like I have missed out on is opportunities to be more significantly involved in people's lives around me while I'm in the States. Particularly at church, but elsewhere too. I live in the mindset that "this is just a temporary stop" and I hold back from commitments. I see myself as a perpetual "guest." I see this happening now at the church I'm attending here in Florida. They asked if we'd like to have our name and picture in the directory and that surprised me. "We're only here for a short time," I responded, even though it's going to be a year and a half by the time we leave again. I remember it really struck me how differently they view our being here and how I view it. I see it as very temporary and that I will perhaps never be back again after I leave. So I keep a distance in my heart and mind. They see us as having become part of them. I also find myself moving through a few mental steps when it comes to church potlucks and other occasions when the ladies are asked to help out with food or whatever. It's not that I don't want to help, but I have to process past my default mindset to acknowledge that I'm not just a guest but part of the group.

Does that fit the question at all?

(edited to say that we've been attending this church for 7 or 8 months now ... is that a long time or a short time? Does anyone else go through this?)

well, i was in my current house for 10 years before deciding I could paint the walls anything but "neutral" so it would be ready to be sold whenever "next" came. But this was also the 16th domicile we had lived in in our 19 years of marriage at that point. (we've now been here 29 years in this house! Quite a change) Anyhow, back to your question... is 7 or 8 months short or long? I'd say it is relatively short but that doesn't mean you should not jump in. Probably the most life impacting church experience we had came in my husband's two years in the Navy. That church was used to people coming in and out since they were in this area with many military folks and believed in whatever time folks were there, it was a great opportunity to help them develop their gifts so it was the first place that asked me to lead a discussion group, the young mom's club, etc. But I had to heed my TCK dad's advice to "unpack my bags and plant my trees" no matter how short or long I lived anywhere and jump into those opportunities or, as dad said, I'd lose my whole life waiting for the next place and never live.

BTW, my living room walls are now black and my son in law who loves interior design won a prize in our local magazine for how he transformed the room from a "country kitchen wannabe" while I was trying to be a cultural chameleon on my long term repatriation to a space which reflects MY life and me. He told me I wasn't ever going to make it in the country kitchen motif anyhow so I might as well use all the artifacts stored in the basement and let my home reflect who I am and my story rather than trying to be someone I wasn't anyhow. And that from someone who grew up locally! And it worked!

This comes quite late, and for that I apologize. But I want to thank Emily for leading our exploration of the personal characteristics of TCKs. Thank you for sharing your time and insight with us this week!

A quick note to book club members: As always, please feel free to keep the conversation going in this thread. Please note that while the facilitators have committed to participate during the week of their chapter, they may not be able to continue in our discussions as we move on. Thanks for all your fantastic stories and insights so far, Everyone!