MK & TCK Book Club discussion

FACILITATOR: EMILY MCDERMOTT

Emily McDermott became interested in cross-cultural communication during her graduate work at American University. While she has not had the experience of a CCK or TCK, she has an interest in supporting children and families going through transition, which led her to the Families in Global Transition (FIGT) organization and board role, where she has served since 2014. Emily became familiar with FIGT while working at Dwellworks , a destination services company assisting relocating expats and their families. Currently she serves as Operations Manager to GAP Solutions, a government contractor in the metro Washington DC area where she provides communications and business development support. Emily is active within her church’s Children’s Ministry where she leads elementary school worship. Emily enjoys dancing, skiing, writing, and traveling. You can find her at @simplyemmyblog on Twitter or http://simplyemmy.blogspot.com .

For the rest of this week our book club is taking a look at chapter 8, "Practical Skills," but feel free to keep posting in the other threads as well. Emily may not be able to join us, but she may jump in if she can.

So to kick off this discussion, I'd like to share the opening quote from the chapter, along with a couple questions:

"One day I poured out my bitter complaints to a senior missionary. I could not understand why the mission imported thirty Canadian and U.S. young people to do famine work, when not one of the more than fifteen resident MKs [missionary kids]––experienced in language and culture––had been asked to help. He told me to quit complaining and sign on. I did."
– Andrew Atkins, quoted in "Third Culture Kids" by Pollock & Ruth Van Reken

This quote made me wonder, what skills from your TCK upbringing have come in handy? And do you have skills that you don't think have been used to their full potential?

It's fun for me to think of some of my practical skills related to my TCK/CCK upbringing:

1. Practicing non-attachment: staying nimble without being bogged down by "stuff" -- in business being organized and adaptable; I'm a master at "clearing clutter".

2. Knowing that nothing is as it seems: words, behaviors or "facts" all have more than one meaning/interpretation/intention; I've become really good at "reading between the lines" and keeping an open mind.

3. Being a good guest/good host: from all the traveling and moving I've learned what it takes to make hosting and being hosted a win-win experience. Moms love me. :)

4. Ability to self-reflect and evaluate: this skill comes in handy in all areas of life, in business, relationships, and personal development. I also love helping others do the same.

5. Confidence in social interactions: On good days I use my ability to "be at home everywhere" to actively engage those are me and make others and myself comfortable in the present interaction.

The list could go on... Curious to read what others have to say!

While you're thinking about the first question, here's another one for you. (I'm heading out to my son's friend's birthday party, so I'll be back later to answer these questions as well!)

How did your upbringing impact your social skills? Here's a story from Pollock & Van Reken's book, "Third Culture Kids":

"While TCKs develop feelings of confidence in many areas of life, there are other times or situations in which they may be so fearful of making mistakes they are almost paralyzed. Paul, the American TCK who grew up in Australia whom we mentioned earlier, moved once more as a teenager––a critical age when peer approval is essential. Here's what he said about that move.

"'I changed worlds once more at age fourteen when my dad's company moved him from Australia to Indonesia. But the consequence of switching worlds at that age is you can't participate in the social scene. Everyone else seems to know the rules except you. You stand at the edge, and you shut up and listen, mostly to learn, but you can't participate. You only sort of participate––not as an initiator, but as a weak supporter in whatever goes on––hoping that whatever you do is right and flies okay. You're always double-checking and making sure.'"

Tell us how living across cultures impacted your social skills!

Unlike many, adapting is not a skill I've learned from being a TCK. However, I am organized because of my past. I'm also very analytical since I tend to disassociate myself from situations.

With regards to social skills, I wrote elsewhere that I had to learn social skills in university that I should have learned in elementary school. I'm doing better as an adult, but even now I can very much relate to the sentiment quoted above: "Everyone else seems to know the rules except you. You stand at the edge, and you shut up and listen, mostly to learn, but you can't participate. You only sort of participate––not as an initiator, but as a weak supporter in whatever goes on––hoping that whatever you do is right and flies okay. You're always double-checking and making sure."

I can certainly relate to that quote too, Jared, and I think both my kids could also agree to that experience, but ... personality plays such a huge part in how that experience impacts you in the long run. My much more socially-confident daughter probably moves past it a lot more "unscathed" than I ever do. For me, those earlier experiences imprinted themselves so that I continue to operate that way and feel socially insecure in new or less-familiar situations. By my daughter - born and raised on the mission field - has always been and continues to be rather fearless in new social settings.

As for "skills" ... I haven't ever really analyzed myself that way before. But I can relate to a lot of what Killian listed out. I think I do tend to be more open-minded and less "prejudiced" overall about people. And it's almost like I go into a culture-learning mode sometimes as I find myself analyzing and assessing what others around me are doing and what their values are, what motivates them, etc.

As far as social skills, I can pick up on a lot of non-verbal cues and see past the "I'm doing fine" facade of many Americans. I've noticed that Americans (unless you know them really well) will not open up and talk about the deeper things in life as well as the people did in the culture where I grew up.

People find my perspective refreshing because it's so different from a typical American. I suppose that's a skill--the ability to discern and understand life in a deeper way because of the wider variety of experiences growing up.

Though technically not considered a TCK I have learnt a lot of skills while abroad.
- Understanding different accents. Sounds obvious, but if you are used to the fairly standard American accent, it is not easy to understand a broad Irish accent. Or try understanding a liverpoolian or an Ozzy.
- Understanding that a lot of what people say and do is culturally influenced, and being able to deal with that

And on the practiacal side:
- how to eat a mango
- how to make a fire, with just one match
- how to survive without electricity
- waiting for a bus without grumbling ;)

Hello! I haven't had a chance to read the book yet, but I'm jumping in with my two cents anyway....

I'd have to say that one of the most valuable skills I picked up from my TCK upbringing was my enhanced social skills. Being a TCK, I learned to be able to speak with anyone and everyone, regardless of race/ethnicity, religion, gender identity, socioeconomic class/caste, or level of education. This may be because I first started moving around at a very young age (before elementary school), so adapting to fit in as the New Kid forced me to find a way to make friends everywhere. It was literally a survival tactic, though some countries/cities were easier than others.

I agree with Deanne that it's definitely easier for some personalities than others. I am a classic extrovert, so I need people in a way that introverts do not.

Also, again, I'm a firm believer in that sometimes it's easier to adapt than at others; specifically, it's much easier to adapt when you move when you're younger than when you're in Middle or High School. Middle Schoolers and High Schoolers are very peer-oriented and therefore can be unforgiving of anyone who is remotely different. To me, that seems to be exactly what happened to Paul. In my case, because I moved around a lot growing up, I developed specific skills--particularly observation skills--that helped me figure out First Week of School basics really quickly, how people dressed, what people ate/brought for lunch, and who to talk to.

Learning EngRish... and knowing that I was the odd person out for languages. But alas, I also was usually the only native English speaker in the group so I became a defacto teacher every country we moved to. In addition, you learn basic survival skills around the house; lighting the gas heater; eating strange new items from the market; learning how to properly hail a cab or hitchhike; and of course learn how to "lie with a straight face to a local policeman..." to stay out of trouble!

Heylane, you learned how to eat a mango?? I never learned that, even though I ate mangoes all the time. It was always a mess for me. So how do you eat a mango without making a mess?

Peter, I love the "lie to a local policeman"-skill. I think a lot of non-TCKs learn that as well (I live in Amsterdam, and I see a lot of straightfaced lies).

Susan, hmmm, easier to show than to explain in writing. But I'll give it a go.
I usually use the "hedgehog"-method. Slice the mango on both sides of the stone (so you have three pieces). Take one of the other pieces in the palm of your hand, fleshside up, and (carefully) cut topdown straight lines(dont cut the skin), then cut rigth to left straight lines (now the flesh is cubed).
Now comes the hedgehog-trick. Hold piece with both hands and put "inside out" till you have a little hedgehog. Start eating the cubes from the side and work your way in.
(BTW this works for the outer pieces. The bit with the stone ... well, that stays tricky ...)

Observational skills for sure. I remember my dad saying that humor was cultural and that it took real understanding to make an appropriate joke, so in new situations and cultures, including subcultures, I paid close attention to what folks thought was funny and, within reason, tried to emulate it. (the humor of certain subcultures left me feeling like I needed a shower or I wanted to smack someone)
Like you, Kilian, how to be a good host and guest.
Flexibility and patience with unpredictable situations.
Basic first aide from "Where there is no doctor".
How to intuit the feeling of a group and where conversational and decision making power lie.
How to hunt Spring Hares at night in lion country with a flashlight and a cow-stick...:) Not a real transferable skill per se...

Inspired by the how to eat a mango thread ... I am in Malaysia (my childhood home) at the moment. I was in a shop and the shopkeeper offered me a Rambutan .. with a big smile ...saying you just have to work out how to eat it ...they are a bit like lychees with a red spiny outside ... before he had finished with his you just have to work it out line, I'd found the weak seam, pulled it apart and was eating it.

I was in a restaurant here the other day and sugar toast was on the menu as a legitimate dessert. When I was away with some friends in the UK we were hankering after something sweet with no access to anything. I made sugar toast which neither of them had seen before. I didn't even know it was something I knew :-).

I'm sure there are other skills but I don't really know what they are.

A down with an upside is hypervigilance bourne out of the repatriation trauma. I am very sensitive to what is going on around me and with other people, ready to take whatever action might be neccesary.