Young Writers Group discussion

Hi guys! I really want to know wether what I'm writing at the moment is too...dark- I think that's the wordd- so if you could just give me your opinion that would be great. Cheers.
-Alice.

The door suddenly burst open and multiple kids spilled in. "Did you hear?" One of them cried. "We've lost connection with Asia! It‘s been completely destroyed!"
"And Europe!"
"And Australia!"
"It's happening all over the world!"
The room was in an uproar. Girls and boys alike were sobbing uncontrollably and Mr Keys couldn't calm them down.
"We're next!" Someone screamed.
Mia couldn't move. It was impossible. It couldn't be happening!
The earth rumbled underneath them like it was coming alive. Books fell from shelves and pencils and pens were knocked over in their tins. The windows burst outward and shattered into millions of pieces. The walls split in giant cracks, threatening to collapse any moment.
This was what happened in the journal.
This was the end of the world.
Mia jumped up as her desk fell over and she yelled over the top of everyone, “All of you, get out of the school now! RUN!”
She grabbed her bag with the journal in it and followed her classmates as they flooded out of the door. Other classes were already evacuating, trying to get everyone out. The corridors were filled with screaming. A girl running in front of her stumbled and Mia helped her up. She noticed the girl had a limp and, putting one arm under her, helped pick up her speed.
The ceiling ahead of them suddenly caved in with an explosion, crushing the kids in the lead right in front of their eyes. Mia was too shocked to scream as she skidded to a halt and saw Rose, half covered in the cement, reaching out to her. Should she help her? She needed to get the other girl out too though. She quickly grabbed a boy running past and said, “Help her. She has a bad leg.” He nodded, too terrified to protest and took the girl from Mia.
There were only few kids running past now as she tried to heave the great piece of cement off Rose’s trapped body. It wouldn’t budge no matter how hard she tried. “You…should leave…me…” She heaved.
“No!” Mia cried, tears streaming down her face. “I’m not leaving you!”
“It would…be…better. I…would be with…my family.” Her eyelids fluttered but she struggled to keep them open.
“Don’t go. Rose! No! Stay with me!”
“Sorry…” The word played on her lips and her eyes slowly glassed over. In respect Mia gently pushed them closed.
Only a second after she had stood up and wiped her eyes a partly see through purple dome- like the one in the journal, Mia remembered- formed over her.
“No, no, no!” She didn’t dare touch the gleam. She had no idea what it would do to her. She didn’t know whether to faint, throw up, or do both.
She did both.

21 Dec 2012. 1400. 2 hour ATE (After The End)
Mia blinked once. Twice. It was night time- wait, no...The sky loomed above her, bruised and filled with smoke. There wasn't a spot of blue and the sun just shone through the swirling blackness. It was still day.
Mia sat up and looked around. The dome had vanished and ruins and debris of the school lied around her.
Suddenly a thought came into her head. A thought that chilled her bones.
"Mom."
She scrambled to her feet and shook the ash out of her hair and brushed it of her jeans.
She stumbled through the broken walls of the buildings. It felt like she was running for a lifetime when her street was in view. The road seemed to stretch in front of her.
She skidded to a halt out the front of her house. Part of it was still burning- the living room, Mia thought. She carefully stepped through the rubble, wincing at the broken glass crunching under her shoes. This was her house. Her house that was destroyed in a matter of seconds.
A glint of gold caught her eye and she knelt down, analysing it. Her glasses, half cracked on the left lens and scorched on the right one. As soon as she touched it to pick it up her fingers seared with pain. She drew back instantly and sucked on the burn. Trying again, she picked it up with her shirt fabric and put them in her backpack.
She stood back up and stepped back, landing on a squishy rock of some sort. She jumped back and stared in horror as a few pieces of shrapnel tumbled out of place, revealing a human hand.
"No, no, no!" Mia shrieked and she heaved the debris of the body. "Nooo!" She cradled her mother in her arms and rocked back and forth. "Mom, wake up...please wake up...Wake up!"
Something stirred behind a wall that hadn't quite fallen, followed by snuffling. Mia froze. Four dogs came out from behind the wall and yelped triumphantly when they saw Mia.
She could finally get a good look at them. They were smallish, black in color, and had scales instead of fur. The scales looked tough like rock and when the creatures moved they seemed to ripple along their back. They also had six legs, each with a clawed foot at the end. Their eyes glowed a fiery color which sent shivers up Mia's spine. What were they? Where did they come from? Why were they here?
They started grabbing her mother's body and tried to drag it away but Mia screamed.
"No! You can't do that! Give her back!"
They snarled at her and stopped trying to drag the body away. They growled and yelped as they circled around her. One of them snapped close to her hands- which were still clutching to her mom’s dishevelled jacket- and she jumped up.
They snapped at her heels and, out of sheer anger, she kicked one in the stomach.
Big mistake.
Another one jumped at her and bit down on her arm. She yelled in pain and shook it off, getting the hell out of there after that. Tearing down the street, she ran all the way along Eucalyptus Dr, down 20th Ave and into the still standing structure of Stonestown Galleria. Mia figured if she were to hide anywhere it would be here. It was to her relief that it was still in a reasonable condition.
Her shoes squeaked on the marble floor of the hallway as she skidded to a halt. Her breaths were ragged and she had to lean up against the wall for support.
Mia had only ever come here for short stops to get the occasional milk or eggs when her mom was busy but even for the unexperienced, the silence was unbearably eerie. It pained her to think of all the people who were in here when it happened but it also surprised her that there were no bodies. Had the dog-creatures taken them all away like they were going to do to her mom?
Mia’s footsteps echoed through the hallway as she started walking, staring at the ruined shops. Scorch marks covered the walls and the floor so Miranda Kerr on the shop window of Victoria’s Secret was barely visible. Some of the floor above had caved in but most of the building was in good shape and she was careful not to go near the areas that had.
Suddenly there was a banging of doors from down the hallway and then a boy came rocketing around the corner. Mia was too shocked to move and he called back after he passed her, “Don’t just stand there! Run!”
Still dumbfounded, she turned back to where he had came from and felt the ground rumble beneath her. The wall at the end of the hallway burst inward and a much larger, much scarier version of the scaly dogs charged through the hole.
Now she ran.
This beast was faster than its little brothers and Mia had trouble dodging the falling pieces of cement as the building shook with every step the beast made. She was just ahead and when she rounded a corner she was jerked to the side, out of sight from the beast with a hand clamped over her mouth. Something dug viciously into her lower back but when she tried to squirm away he kept her firmly in place.
“Shh…” The boy breathed, his breath hot on her neck.
Soon after the beast came round the corner and bounded down the next hallway. After its rumbling footsteps finally died away the boy let go of her mouth and Mia whirled around, rubbing her back.
“H-how? How did you survive?”
In a flash the boy reached into his jeans and pulled out something.
A gun.
And it was pointed straight at her head.

Pretty freaky, but if it's the end of the world, it kinda has to be freaky, y'know? Excellent writing. Makes me want to read more!

I really liked the story and it also makes me want to read more. Keep writing.

Thanks guys! I really appreciate the support!

This is another story I've been working on recently. Please tell me what you think and please excuse the language! :) Cheers
-Alice

As soon as I hear the old raven's mournful cry I know my night is going to be a challenge.
I stop at the gate to Green-Wood Cemetery and watch my breath turn to a steam cloud before me. I feel like a marshmallow with my various amounts of clothing and thermals on. I've said it a hundred times and I'll say it again.
Winter's a bitch.
I rub my hands together to try and get some feeling through and trudge inside the graveyard.
A chorus of wolves- the New York pack of werewolves to be exact- howl through the midnight air and I make sure to keep my eyes peeled for any sign of a hungry bugger. Rose is probably out there, I think as I weave my way between the graves towards the chapel.
When some guy called Cameron Delevigne phoned me last week and ordered a huge amount of elixir of life for 2 million bucks I was elated. Business at my Alchemy shop had been a bitch lately but this guy- I could kiss him! Though he's probably some drop kick drugo fey who got in trouble with the Council so, better avoid that.
I stop when I see a ghostly glistening through the trees and realize it's a frozen pond reflecting the bright pale moonlight above. Across the ice a snow white wolf with hawk-like yellow eyes peers at me, cocking it's head to the side. I recognized the wolf as Rose and gave a small wave before moving on.
I'm suppose to be meeting this Cameron guy on the west side of the chapel but now after five minutes of waiting, I doubt he's going to come.
I pull my phone out of my parka and try to punch in the number of the cab company but my fingers slipped and it fell out of my hands, onto someone's grave.
"Whoops. Sorry." I mutter as I pick my phone up with numb fingers.
That's when I see who's grave it was.
In loving memory
Cameron Delevigne
1993-2012
Oh shit.
Great, this guy obviously knew he was going to die- had all the burial plans and everything done- and ordered life potion from me so I can raise him from the dead. This definitely wasn't in the job description.
I start kicking the snow away with my boot but I know I'm going to need much more than my hands and feet to dig six feet down.
I almost don't see Rose when I glance at the trees ahead of me but when I do I give a small start.
"Jesus, you scared me!"
She snorts and padded closer nuzzling into my hand. I give her a quick scratch around her ears and an idea comes to me.
"Can you dig this grave for me?"
She gives me a look as if to say, 'Are you serious?' and shakes her head.
"Come on, Rose. Please? I'll give you some beef?" I pull out a bag from my parka- it has so many pockets, it's wonderful- to show her the pound of raw meat I have.
Her tongue lolls out and she licks her lips but I hold the meat out of her jaw's reach.
"Grave first."
Within minutes Rose has reached a nice mahogany coffin and there is a pile of dirt mixed with snow three feet high against the chapel wall.
With the help of Rose we manage to pry the lid open and I dismiss her from the site.
"Thank a lot, Rose, but I can take it from here. Go have fun with your pack. I give her the slab of meat and she runs off into the dark.
When Cameron called me he gave me explicit instructions to dose him with half of the supply of elixir and leave the other half for him to use. He told me that when I inject him with the elixir that I leave straight after, that I can't stay around to watch.
I don't want to anyway. Once I've delivered something I don't tend to keep in touch with the people. If they turn out to be dangerous it's not my problem. I'm only doing my job.
I lift the veil from Cameron's face and frown at what I see. I would have thought it would be decayed and rotten like the dead people you see in the movies but his face is just icy and his eyes are closed.
I take out one of the two needles with the elixir in it and, pushing away his shoulder length hair, I shove it in his neck.
I watch as the golden liquid disappears from the needle. Suddenly every vein and artery in his body is glowing prominently against his icy skin.
I jump back as his eyes fling open and he gasps, sending rays of golden light out of his mouth.
He sits up almost mechanically and grabs my arm in an iron grip.
"I...told you...not to watch!" He manages. "Leave now! Go!"
He releases me and I scramble out of the grave, running and not looking back

I really want more of the first story

Alice wrote: "This is another story I've been working on recently. Please tell me what you think and please excuse the language! :) Cheers
-Alice

As soon as I hear the old raven's mournful cry I know my night i..."

I kinda like this story. I think you need to go way back and tell how Cameron died. I just bascially think you need to do some backstories for the characters. I liked the ending a lot. The ending makes me wonder.

This is great, Alice! Really intriguing and compelling...I enjoyed this quite a lot! The ending is BRILLIANT and definitely leaves readers "on the edge" wondering what will happen next. Great work!

Alice wrote: "Hi guys! I really want to know wether what I'm writing at the moment is too...dark- I think that's the wordd- so if you could just give me your opinion that would be great. Cheers..."

You definitely need to write more of this! :O

Woah, woah, woah!!!! That first story you wrote-that burst of brilliant emotion and excitement-was one of the best stories I have EVER read!! That was amazing! Every sentence kept me on edge-I couldn't stop reading. I didn't want it to end! The story was so vivid, so emotional, so suspenseful. I could see it all so clearly. It was terribly sad, though, which is what you always want to go for. When I read about the children being crushed, my heart kinda stopped, my hand covered my mouth in shock. What a terrible thing to happen to children, even though it was a story. But that was like a key to unlocking a reader's emotion, and forcing to travel on through the door and down the hallway of the story (keep reading :P). The sadness and emotion made we want to read for ever. You captured everything-the sadness, the fear, the death, the danger. All in all, this story is going in my top 10!! Amazing work! You have to publish it! 10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000/10

Alice wrote: "This is another story I've been working on recently. Please tell me what you think and please excuse the language! :) Cheers
-Alice

As soon as I hear the old raven's mournful cry I know my night i..."

I finally read this. And though I'm not one who takes language like that lightly, nor am I big on fantasy (such as werewolves and elixir of life), I admit, you've got me hooked on this one.

I write a lot of dark things too, so I definitely enjoyed the element of darkness. And your writing is absolutely beautiful.