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Mod
Thanks! I'll start with a scene of one of my stories for motivation. Hopefully people can share theirs in this manner.
You might want to sit down for this one.
xxx
Back at the Pierce home, Karin turned to the parents.
“Maybe Tonio is on TV again!” she said, already picturing her heroic brother making headlines again.
Quickly, Mom grabbed the TV remote and turned on the TV to the News Station. All heads turned to watch a crowd gathering by the bank building, all appearing frantic. Ambulance recruits tend to the victims of the robbery, and police officers interrogated witnesses of the event.
Once again, we are live at the Blossom City National Bank to report of a major robbery that almost took place this morning, but was quickly thwarted by none other than the mysterious vigilante in cape Skyhawk the Braveheart. Yes, that’s right. Skyhawk the Braveheart has struck once again and we have the crime-fighting man in action, caught on tape, taking down the criminals with nothing but his famous Ruby Lance.
The family briefly watched the video replay of Skyhawk, moments before defeating the robbers.
It’s incredible! The reporter gushed on the TV.
“Oh, why do I have to take care of kids who just can’t be normal for once?” Mom whined.
Karin and Chase briefly frowned at their mother.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t love you!” She quickly said. “I just…!” she hesitated, “Y’know, I just don’t like your secrets! I mean, Tonio being a crime fighter rather than a talented artist!”
“Mom, he’s still a talented artist.” Karin reassured.
“Yeah, that lance he made out of Ruby he found in our trip to Rio was pretty cool.” Chase pointed out.
“Okay, then what about Rider?” Mom then asked.
Chase questionably blinked his piercing blue eyes. “What about him?”
The parents rolled their eyes, a frustrated sigh left their lips. Karin stared at her brother like he was a dumb post. 16 years being in the family and he still don’t know Rider’s secret?!
“He’s still working for the Super-Secret Service as a Double Digits Secret Agent!” barked their overly sensitive Dad.
“Triple Digits, Chris.” Mom calmly corrected him again.
“WHATEVER!” he hissed, hating being corrected and interrupted, “I mean, he supposed to be using that skill to work for civilian government jobs!”
The fuming father then turned to his daughter, “and then there’s you. Karin, with your magical powers! For the love of Pete, STOP USING THEM!!”
Karin gnashed her teeth. She may be a witch but she wished she had the ability to go back in time before she told her parents she could do magic. That way she don’t tell them! Not even with a whisper. She hated being deprived of her newfound talent.
“And let’s not forget your sister, Vivi.” Mom said.
Karin cocked her head on one side, “But Vivi doesn’t have an abnormal secret.” She said.
“Yeah, but she has the brain of a PhD graduate!” Mom added, “And she’s only 13 years old!”
“Yeah, she should be in middle school, not in college!” Dad said, “It’s a dark world out there!”
Chase raised an eyebrow, “College? A Dark World? Really?”
The parents nodded in a creepy unison manner. Once again Karin and Chase exchanged glances.
“The only person that is normal around here is you Chase.” Dad said.
Chase shook his head, “No I’m not.” he argued, masticating his pancake. But he only got blank stares.
“Guys, come on! I’m talking about my genealogy here! My relationship.” He swallowed his pancake bits, “It’s kind of a secret.”
The family still stared. Chase sat up.
“I’m related to an ancient knight from Belgium who once saved the world.”
“Yes.” Karin finally spoke with a patronizing smile, “An ancient knight. Emphasis on the Ancient. Long time. As in, so last millennium. Seriously Chase, we’re talking about our secret of today. Sheesh, Chase. Keep up. You’re so boring!”
“Oh yeah?” Chase said defensively, “What if the sword he once possesses could evoke magical powers? And what if that sword still exists?”
Karin paused then turned to her mother. Chase also looked at his mother. Mom shrugged before turning to her husband.
“Hey, don’t look at me! I suck at World History.” Dad said.
Mom sighed, “I’m sorry, Chase. I don’t know what else to tell you.”
Chase sulked on his chair.
“How about a thank you? For another heroic deed done?”
The family heard a familiar Puerto Rican-accent. They turned to face another young teen, about the same height as Chase—5’10’’—with spiky-brown hair.
“How about a word of warning, young man?” their father grumbled, “You know you have to eat today and you have school, right?”
“Why do you take that time to go fight a bunch of robbers, Tonio?” Mom complained, “You could’ve gotten killed!”
“But I didn’t.” the boy, Tonio, sat at the table, “The robbers didn’t get rich today and no one got hurt!”
“What about that explosion?” Karin asked, “And those guns and explosives?”
“That, actually, was a smoke bomb. No one got hurt. Only blinded.” Tonio said. “And the explosives didn’t hurt a single fly. And before anyone ask about my identity, I am still called Skyhawk the Braveheart.” Tonio haughtily smile with his chin up, “Safe and sound!”
Another teenage boy—an Asian, in a jet black suit—entered the kitchen. As if uninvited, his attention turned to him.
The boy removed his sunglasses, his piercing brown eyes focused on the TV screen, “Uh, Braveheart?” he spoke, “I wouldn’t call your identity safe anymore.”
All eyes turned back to the TV screen, displaying a still image of Skyhawk’s face… unmasked! Jaws dropped.
Is Skyhawk’s identity finally revealed? We have reports that images of his final moment with the crowd before his epic exit have been leaked all over the internet! The image shows us Skyhawk’s actual face. Police is now doing further investigation to identify just who this young justice fighter really is.
A fist slam rocked the table and the TV screen immediately turned black. The three kids jumped back, startled.
“DAMN IT, Tonio!” the frantic father barked, “Now look what you’ve done! Before you know it, the FBI is gonna be at our doorstep!”
“Dad, come on! It’s not that bad!” Karin said, “Security cameras these days don’t have good quality!”
“According to police report,” the Asian boy with the sunglasses read on his iPad, “the identity of Skyhawk has been narrowed down to three teen residents in the Rose County of Blossom City. All of Puerto Rican origins. And one of them is Antonio Vargas Pierce.”
All eyes turned to Tonio.
“That’s me right?” Tonio’s voice quavered, “Please tell me that’s not me.”
The Asian boy showed him his iPad. Spasms crossed Tonio’s face at the sight of his picture on the iPad.
“Okay, yeah that’s me.” Tonio muttered, “Rider, you’ve gotta work your magic on the police and make them think it’s me!”
The Asian boy, Rider, turned off his iPad, “I’m sorry buddy, but even as Super-Secret Agent 100 of the Super-Secret Service, I can’t meddle in police business.”
Tonio then turned to Karin, “What about your actual magic, Karin?”
“I’d love to help you Tonio, but unfortunately my dad has deprived me of using magic.” She said with a glowering look at her dad.
“Hey, we want this family to be as normal as we want.” He then turned to his wife and pointed, “And by we, I mean I. Yeah, no, don’t correct me. I know what I mean.”
The wife raised her hands up in defeat and went back to her kitchen chores.
“Now, should you all be heading off to school?” Dad said.
The kids left the breakfast table, tossing their backpacks over their shoulders and headed out the front steps. Chase being the last one to leave, stopped before the parents, “Hey maybe that knight I’m related to could have fallen in love with a witch and I might have the same power as Karin!”
The parents disappointedly shook their heads.
“No?” Chase sulkily walked away, “…fine.”
xxx
Mod
Mod
Really, is there any changes do you recommend? Any advices? Any mistakes or punctuation errors?
Mod
“Oh, why do I have to take care of kids who just can’t be normal for once?” Mom whined.
Karin and Chase briefly frowned at their mother.
“Doesn’t mean I don’t love you!” She quickly said. “I just…!” she hesitated, “Y’know, I just don’t like your secrets! I mean, Tonio being a crime fighter rather than a talented artist!”
“Mom, he’s still a talented artist.” Karin reassured.
“Yeah, that lance he made out of Ruby he found in our trip to Rio was pretty cool.” Chase pointed out.
“Okay, then what about Rider?” Mom then asked.
Chase questionably blinked his piercing blue eyes. “What about him?”
The parents rolled their eyes, a frustrated sigh left their lips. Karin stared at her brother like he was a dumb post. 16 years being in the family and he still don’t know Rider’s secret?!
“He’s still working for the Super-Secret Service as a Double Digits Secret Agent!” barked their overly sensitive Dad.
It seems to flow and look better, rather than being a giant block of text... Other than that, I'd suggest you try not to use the exclamation mark too much.
Mojoboy31 wrote: "Hmmmmm..... Nice start. I'm going to recommend the first thing that my writing buddies recommended me; paragraph breaks. You should have a paragraph break every five, or six lines, or so, depending..."Thanks! My word processor had the paragraph break format when I copied and paste the scene up but I don't know why it didn't cut and paste that format in also. But I'll consider that in the future. I'll try not to overuse the exclamation points also.
hahaha... This is hilarious and wonderful!I agree with Mojo, but sometimes, when posting things online, you have to double-enter, or it doesn't seperate the paragraphs clearly.
Mod
Mod
Mod
That's ok. I'm going to see if I can get back into it, if not, I'm going to have to start all over again. On that and probably on here. Hope you understand
Mod
No, just my email got hacked. I'm saying if I have to get a new email I might have to get a new goodreads account. But hopefully I won't have to
Mod
Mod
Paigetwo wrote: "I hope not...."Same here
Mod
In the top right where your avatar is, there's a drop down arrow. Click the arrow, then click 'edit profile'. Towards the middle-left, there should be icons that say, 'profile', 'settings', 'emails', 'feeds'... Click on settings.
The first option is 'email address'. You can change it to a non-hacked email address.
I have excerpts of my writings on a facebook page, the notes section of which is here: https://www.facebook.com/gwen42/notes
Jennifer wrote: "I have excerpts of my writings on a facebook page, the notes section of which is here: https://www.facebook.com/gwen42/notes"I liked your page on Facebook if that's ok with you
Mod
This is a little story I have posted on GR if you have the time. :)
That is perfectly okay with me, Narnian! :-)
Mod
It would be nice to get some more feedback on this."
I'll check it out, Phantom!
Will be checking out everyone's work... I didn't have time this morning.
Jennifer wrote: "That is perfectly okay with me, Narnian! :-)":) Thanks
Mod
Thanks for looking at mine Jenny!
I'll check yours out soon...
Mod
If you are working on your writing and wants general feedback, this should be your topic. :)
Feel free to share your miiiiiind~