Write Your Heart Out ツ discussion

This is the location of my writtenness, or if you prefer, writing :) Please enjoy and I'm open for any constructive feedback :D

No Safety

Nothing. Nothing would help her escape from the enclosure of darkness and agony…The cage of hopelessness and despair…The prison of fear and death. Surrounded by an endless crowd of weeping, gloomy people, Lara stood speechless and grief-stricken, her legs aching till they felt like they would buckle.
Flakes of dust drifted in the shaft of light that seeped through the small window, blocked by razor wires. The wood creaked and rattled beneath Lara’s feet. A baby held on his mother’s hip wailed and kicked, begging to be fed. The mother rocked him, a finger on his lips. It did no good.
An old woman, frail and wrinkled, squeezed past a maze of people, her eyes on a small, tin bucket in the far corner. The ones closest turned in respect as the woman relieved herself.
A group of men spoke in whispers, aware of the eavesdroppers around them. Their voices were nervous and hurried, as if an enemy would hear them instantly and shoot them in front of the others. Lara strained to hear what they had to say.
“…Some say we’re going to be dropped off in the middle of nowhere to die,” one said.
“No, I think we’re being moved to another town…What do they call it? A ghetto? Yeah, a ghetto,” said another. A few other men nodded in agreement.
“But what about those camps that everyone talks of? The death camps? We’re being sent to one o’ those, I reckon,” said a third. Another man supported him.
Lara thought on this, overcome by the fear of going to a death camp. She had heard of those nightmarish, inhumane prisons where they slaughtered, burned, gassed and tortured. Hardly any survived, bodies piled into a pit and buried with big clumps of dirt. The camps were inescapable, fenced in and guarded day and night by innumerable soldiers. Lara shuddered, and focused on the rotting, wooden wall…
That was it! A rotting wall! A sudden wave of happiness sweeping over her, Lara lashed out at the wall, willing her hand to punch through and create a hole to rip apart so she could jump out and run away and escape the Nazis and find a home and be safe forever and…
“Lara, darling, it is no use,” said Mama, laying a hand on her shoulder. “The wall shan’t break. I’m so sorry, my dear.”
Lara eased her momentum, her hands uncurling from fists. Tears burned her eyes. She had been so close to escaping, so close to freedom, so close to safety…
A figure blurred by tears knelt beside her. It was her older brother, Elias. “Lara…” he began softly. “Even if you did escape, you would be shot. There are Nazis on the roof with guns. You’d be dead by now if you jumped. I’m sorry.”
Lara felt a warm body on her leg, and looked down. It was Theodore, her younger brother, clinging onto her leg, looking up with sad eyes and a sympathetic expression. Lara stroked his hair. She sniffed, and wiped a tear from her cheek. She couldn’t believe it. There was no escape, no hope, no safety, only the death that awaited them.

This is the second part to my story. I don't know if I should continue it. What do you guys think?

No Safety-Chapter Two

Lara slumped against the wall of the cattle car, her legs straining to hold her up. But she couldn't sit. There was no room. If she did she'd be trampled by a million pairs of feet.
The bucket's lingering smell of human waste wafted throughout the car. Lara nearly gagged for the eighth time and held her nose until the point where her arm ached and she had to take her fingers off. She closed her eyes a drew a deep breath, imagining her life before all of this, but it was all a fading memory, with the horrors of Now shoving it out of her mind.
"Lara?" a voice whispered.
Lara looked down. "Yes, Theo?"
"W-when can we go home?" Theodore asked.
Tears suddenly filled Lara's eyes and blurred her vision. She struggled to speak, but her mouth was empty. She felt the tears trickling down her face and she scooped Theodore up and folded him a tight embrace. "I don't know, darling, I don't know," she managed. "I hope so."


The car was silent. Men, women and children stood motionless, bewildered and depressed. A few elderly women weeper in a corner, huddled together for warmth.
That was the other horrible thing about the car. Despite the body heat, it was unbelievably cold. Lara shivered and rubbed her arms, her teeth chattering. She glanced out the wired window. Daylight was dimming. It would soon be night. A white flake floated down past the window, and another and another.
Snow. Lara watched it intently, suddenly remembering when she and her family had galloped in the snow for hours, building snowmen and throwing snowballs at each other. She remembered created a snow angel with her sister. They had laughed as they moved their arms up and down, and admired their masterpieces afterward.
Lara's eyes pricked with tears once more. Her sister...her bubbly, laughing sister...Lara wiped her eyes and forced herself to think of other things, like, where were they headed? What was their fate? Would they ever return to Berlin? Lara stopped herself. She couldn't torture herself like that. Instead she looked to the snowflakes again, trying to swallow any remaining saliva. Her throat was dry and parched; she needed water.
Suddenly an idea struck her mind. Snowflakes! That was it! Lara squeezed past the crowds of men and woman, heading towards the window.
It sat high above her head when she reached it, but Lara wasn't going to give up then and there. She reached her arms up and stuck her hands out, and waited.
Suddenly someone grabbed her from behind and pulled her back. It was an old woman from the weeping huddle. Her teeth were cracked and yellowing, her hair a shrivelled mess.
"What are thinking, girl?" she croaked. "Them brownshirts up there'll blow your whole hand off if you stick it out!"
The woman left without waiting for Lara's reply, but Lara didn't bother to do so anyway. Instead of heeding the old woman's words, she stuck out her hand again. She didn't care if her hand could get shot; she desperate. And besides, she had another hand.
Lara watched as the snowflakes drifted down as the train sped past. They were fast, but managing to land on Lara's hand. She grinned to herself and drew her hand back in. The flakes were light and fluffy, and impossible to feel; it was like they were never there.
Lara licked the snowflakes of her hand. They melted instantly and cooled her tongue, despite the fact there were only a few. She stuck out her hand again and waited for more.
"Mama," she called. "You can eat the snowflakes! Come quickly! We shan't be thirsty any longer!"

it's really good but in chapter one in the first paragraph i found that you were too descriptive

Thank you! :) :)

continue it!

Sry, I've been caught up :P I will though

No Safety-Chapter Three

After hours upon hours of waiting and watching as the train sped along the tracks, Lara sank to the floor and closed her eyes. She dreamt she was arriving at one of those inhumane death camps. Everyone was crying and panicking. Lara was lost in the crowds. Nazis swarmed in. There was gunshot. Someone screamed. A growling voice yelled something in another language.
There were more gunshots, more screaming, more yelling. Lara felt trapped and alone among the jostling crowds. Suddenly the crowd parted and there was a Nazi officer, a brownshirt, marching towards her. Lara screamed as he lifted her by the hair and dragged her past endless mounds of Jews.
The Nazi officer shouted in her ear. Lara couldn't understand. It was too muddled, too foreign. Lara struggled and kicked, trying to pry the officer's hand from her hair. The Nazi stopped in his tracks and held his gun to her head.
Lara gasped and her eyes flickered open. Beads of sweat dribbled down her forehead. Mama appeared next to her and laid a hand on her shoulder.
"Hush, darling. It was only a dream," she whispered, rubbing Lara's shoulder.
Lara stared into her mother's eyes. "No. No Mama, it wasn't. It was real. It was all real. It will all happen. We will arrive at the death camp and we'll be shot; everyone will be shot!" Tears pricked her eyes, the scenes from her dream replaying over and over in her mind.
Mama looked forlorn, and folded her daughter into a warm, gentle hug. "No, darling, no. That won't happen. I promise we'll all survive, no matter what it takes. I won't let you die."
Lara buried her head in Mama's shoulder, the tears breaking free and staining Mama's dress. She didn't know how long they sat huddled there in a tender embrace, but the cry of a man broke them apart.
Lara peered through the bodies of the other Jews, and spotted the man raving about, beating at the wall of the carriage.
"Argh!" he yelled, pressing his body against the wood. "Someone get me out of here! I can't stand this place! I need to get out! Someone...get me...OUT!"
Mama drew Lara in again and held her hand out to a frightened Theodore. "Come here, my children. Stay out of the way."
A few other men tried to calm the other down, patting his shoulder and telling him it was alright, that they'd get out soon. The man ignored them and grabbed the waste bucket. He smashed it against the wall. Excrement splattered onto the walls and floor and the closest passengers, who stepped back and tried to brush it off, disgusted.
The man gave up on the wall and, after throwing the bucket with a crash onto the ground, ran to the window and pulled at the razor wires. Blood gushed from deep cuts in his hands but he didn't care. The man tore at the wire, pulling and heaving until most of the skin had been ripped from his hands. But still he went on, wrenching the wire until it broke free from the rotting frame. The man then lashed out at the surrounding wood until it splintered and that too he pulled away.
At last he had made a gaping hole in the cattle car big enough for a man to fit through, after the help of a few other Jews. Lara, shaken and bewildered after the man's actions, looked through the hole to find the train was passing thick, grassy fields with rocks and bushes scattered here and there. At the end lay a dense, green forest.

Cool!

No Safety-Chapter 4

Without a second thought the man leapt from the cattle car. He soared through the air; Lara's heart lifted with joy. Maybe there was a way out, a way to survive. Maybe the man would run off into the woods and escape. Maybe there was safety...
A series of great bangs repeated over and over. The man jolted and fell limp, and hurtled towards the grass. The train sped by, leaving him dead in a ditch. Lara caught her breath. He had been shot. Shot, shot, shot...There was no safety after all. There would never be any safety. Only pain, only agony, only fear and anxiety. Only death.
The cattle car was silent, with only the sound of the train chugging along the tracks. The man had been so desperate...so full of the one idea of escape, he was willing to risk his life.
Mama drew Lara and Theodore's head into her shoulders. "Don't look, my dears," she whispered, even though there was nothing to see. Tears brimmed in Lara's eyes. For only a moment there had been hope; hope for a better life, hope for freedom, hope for escape. Then suddenly that hope had been crushed like an ant under a boot, and rubbed deep into the ground.
"I'm going to jump," a man spoke up. "Just because that man was shot doesn't mean I will." And then he jumped, before anyone could stop him. A trail of shots followed him onto the ground, but the man stayed just ahead and dove into the forest. He was free. A few others followed him, half making it to safety, and others landing in their weed-surrounded graves.
Jew after Jew jumped, having the same hope as the crazed man and the one that survived. Lara watched as a brother and sister jumped hand in hand from the train. Blood spurted from their backs and they plummeted limply towards the ground. A woman, supposedly their mother, screamed in agony and dropped to her knees. Each sob racked her body. Her husband knelt down next to her and folded her in a tight hug. Lara felt her tears break away and trickle down her cheeks. She didn't know what to do. If she stayed, she'd surely die. If she jumped she could get shot. Either way their was no hope. But those few Jews had made it...why not her? Lara opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Elias.
Almost as if he could read her mind, Elias said, "Mama, I think Lara and Theodore should jump."
Mama looked up at him, a look on her face that seemed to say, "Our you out of your idiotic mind?"
Elias looked uncomfortable. "Mama, there is a chance of them making it to safety. They are so young-they have a whole life to live. Give them the chance," he begged.
"A whole life?" Mama hissed with a withering look. "A whole life for them to live? How many Jews in this world have a whole life to live?! How many?! NONE! No Jew is safe! We're all going to die! Suffer! Scream! Be tortured until we wished we were dead! How do my children have a life to live?! All hope is lost, Elias, lost! We'll all die!" Mama broke off from her rage and burst into tears. Theodore began to cry too. Lara edged herself from Mama's lap, speechless.
"Mama!" Elias cried, dropping down beside her. "Don't speak that way! You'll scare the whole car! Mama, please. We aren't going to die!" Elias rubbed her arm soothingly. "Hush, Mama, please. You're scaring your children."
Mama looked up, and realised what she had done. "Oh, Elias! Oh, Lara and Theodore! I'm so sorry! I'm so, so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you. I was just so frightened, so outraged at Hitler and the Nazis and the horror they've caused. Please forgive me."
Theodore cuddled into his mother. "I forgive you," he whispered into her ear. "Mama, I don't want to jump."
"And you won't, darling," Mama concluded. "None of you won't. We'll stay together as a family, and get through this as one."

Lara sat against the wall. Her stomach growled, her throat was dry. She stared out as they passed through the countryside. The forest still stretched on-it seemed as though it would never end.
Elias paced through the emptying cattle car, racking his brain for who knew what. The other passengers sat or stood gloomily, wondering whether it was worth it to try and escape. A woman stood on the edge, staring absentmindedly into the forest. Suddenly she jumped, catching the soldiers on the roof by surprise, and dodged their bullets. She made it safely into the thick vegetation, and was gone as the train sped on.
Lara rested her head on Mama's shoulder, who patted her arm gently. Theodore lay asleep in Mama's lap; Lara was glad. Hopefully he would sleep through the journey. But then he would wake up to the horror...the horrors...the awaited them.
Suddenly Elias stopped pacing and walked up to Mama. "I want Lara and Theodore to jump," he announced. "Don't object. They have no hope of survival if they stay." Lara was even more glad that Theodore was asleep.
"You and I must stay," Elias went on. "You are too delicate to jump, and since I am the new man to look after everyone, I must stay with you."
"But you said you had to look after everyone, and that means Lara and Theodore," interrupted Mama. "You can't do that if they go."
"Mama, please. You want them to survive as much as I do."
"But they'll get shot!" Mama cried.
"They might get shot. Not 'they will'. They can survive, Mama, survive! Please!"
Lara saw tears in her brother's eyes. Her heart was pounding. Would they really have to jump? Now that the act was possible, Lara didn't want to go. She imagined bullets grinding into her back, pain searing through her body, the world going white forever...Lara couldn't do it. Mama would be so crushed, so heartbroken, that it was impossible to imagine.
Mama drew a deep breath beside her. "But...my dear children...Oh, Elias, you are right! They need a chance! A chance to live! But if they go, you go too. You need a chance as much as they do."
"No, Mama. I must look after you. I promised Papa that I would, and I will. I am staying," insisted Elias.
Mama sighed, admitting a final defeat. "Lara..." she began. Lara swallowed.
"Mama, please, let me stay," she begged.
"No, my dearest. I want you and Theodore to jump. I promise you you will both survive. You will make it into the forest, find a house, find a new family-"
"A new family? What about you?"
"Just until we come and pick you up, after this horrible war is over and we are let out."
"But how will you find us?" Lara asked.
"Hush now. We will. Theodore, darling," she whispered. "Wake up."
A pair of small, innocent eyes fluttered open. "Mama? Are we home yet?"
"You will be soon," assured Mama. "Now, I want you to jump out with Lara. Those horrid men up there won't see you. You'll make it into the forest and you'll escape and find a home until we come to get you."
Theodore looked as though he believed Mama. But Lara knew none of it was true. The Nazis would see them, they'd be shot and they'd never make it into the woods.
Mama stood, and held Theodore's hand. She edged him to the hole in the wall. Lara followed, knowing what fate was in store for her. She drew a deep breath, and forced herself to smile. For her brother. She knelt until she was in eye level with Theodore.
"Come on, Theo," she said, forcing her voice to sound excited. "We're going off on a grand adventure! We'll run off into the woods and stay at a house until Mama and Elias come knocking on our door. Won't this be fun?"
"But what about Mama? Why isn't she coming?" asked Theodore softly.
"Mama has some...jobs to do. With Elias. They're going to a fun, relaxing place to help some men build some things. It's only for adults, so we aren't allowed to come."
"Then why aren't those children going?" Theodore pointed to three boys crowded around their parents' legs.
Lara bit her lip. "Because they aren't going just yet. They'll come after us."
Theodore nodded, and slipped his warm hand into Lara's. Mama gave her a thankful smile, and embraced her. Lara squeezed her back, tears now falling again. "Mama?" she whispered. "Promise me you'll come and get us?"
"Of course, Lara. I would never abandon you forever. It is only for now that I need you to be brave, just for while, for Theodore. Can you do that?"
Lara nodded. "Bye Mama. I love you."
"I love you too. Please, be strong."
"Bye, Elias. I will see you again, right?"
Elias nodded. "Goodbye, Lara and Theodore. You've been such great friends. I'll see you soon-I promise. I love you both so much."
Mama edged Lara and Theodore to the hole. "I love you both! Don't talk to anyone unless you absolutely have to. And keep away from any soldiers. If your new parents do anything mean or suspicious, run away and don't come back. Find someone else. We'll see you shortly. It may be weeks, months, or even a year, but know that we will come back no matter what. We love you, now go."
Lara gripped Theodore's hand and stared out into the passing forest. She looked down the train, only find the forest was coming to an end. It was now or never. "Goodbye, Mama, Elias. I love you! Come on, Theodore, time to jump."
"But Mama!" Theodore reached back towards Mama. "Mama, don't go! Please! Mama!"
With tears in her eyes Lara took one last look at her family, and together they jumped.

Wow! This is great! I love that you're tackling this topic about WWII and jumping right into it! The dialogue is terrific and flows smoothly. I just read all of your chapters, and this last one is the best, in my opinion. My advice to you would be to just keep going. It would be nice if we got to know the characters on a more personal level so we can really experience their hardships and emotions almost as our own.

BEST WWII STORY EVER!! Nice job!

thank you!!!! :D :D

No Safety-Chapter 5

It was as if the world had slowed down all of a sudden. All that Lara was aware of was the rattling of the machine guns. Bang, bang, bang...Bang, bang, bang...The world was blurred; the trees were blurred, the grass was blurred. Lara floated through the air, riding a cloud of nothingness. At any moment she expected the bullets to pound in to her back, and she'd drop to ground and be left there for all eternity. But there was no pounding, no pain. Only the pounding of her heart.
Suddenly everything came back in a rush. The screams as Jews leapt from the cattle cars and were either shot down or ran into the dense forest; the chugging of train; the crying of her mother, screaming at them to go, to survive. Suddenly Lara was on the ground, pain surging through her body. She immediately thought she had been shot, but this was a different pain, a throbbing, aching pain. There was no blood pouring from a wound. The train clattered away on the tracks until it could be seen no more. Mama and Elias were gone. Forever. Lara knew that for a fact.

How long she was lying there for, Lara never knew. The long grass tickled her face, arms and legs. Her head throbbed where she had hit it. The smell of soft, moist soil wafted into her nose. Lara closed her eyes and drew a deep breath. She couldn't believe it. There had always been a hope. She had Theodore had survived. All they needed to do was get up and run into the forest, find a home and live there until Mama and Elias returned.
No.
There was no returning. Not ever. Lara and Theodore would have to live there in hiding until the war was over, if it ever did end.
At the thought of living with strangers for the rest her life, Lara's eyes brimmed with tears. Then she imagined Mama and Elias working till their backs broke, and dying on the spot. They'd be dumped into a pile of other bodies, and burned a great furnace. She had heard it all before. Jews locked into a showers that were actually gas chambers; bodies burned; Jews forced to serve the Nazis; Jews tested with experiments; Jews, Jews, Jews, death, death, death. That was all the world was was filled with. Death.
Lara wiped the tears from her cheeks and sniffed. She had to be strong, for Theodore.
"Theo," she whispered. "We must go, before another train comes. Don't worry, we'll be safe. We'll find a new home until...until Mama and Elias come to take us back to our real home. Theo?"
There was no answer. Theodore lay still and pale on the ground, his eyes staring into the sky.
"Theodore?" Lara whispered, panic rising inside of her. "Theo, what's wrong? Wake up, please." Lara stared at her ghostly-white brother, speechless. She sat up and shook him. His eyes didn't blink. "Theodore!" Lara croaked, the tears coming back. "Theodore, please! Don't be dead! Don't be dead! No! No...Theodore!" There was a lump in Lara's throat that was impossible to dislodge. She shook and shook her brother, willing him to breath, to say something. But there was nothing she could do.
Lara stopped and looked into her brother's eyes, finally accepting the truth. "Oh, Theodore." She hefted him on her lap and gently closed his eyes, and cried into his tiny, bloody body. She was all alone in this world now, with no one to look to for guidance.
"I HATE THE FUHRER!" she screamed into the air. The words echoed through the valley. "I HATE THE FUHRER! I HATE THE FUHRER!"

The wild flowers surrounding Theodore as he lay peacefully under a bush wavered in the breeze. Lara stood by his side, watching him, wondering what future he could've had. But there was never to be a future for him if he had jumped or not.
Lara's wisps of black, curly hair bobbed on one shoulder as the wind pushed at it. Tears stained her cheeks, the lump was still caught in her throat. There was no one around, not for miles. No one would disturb him unless another train packed with Jews passed, and a cluster of them jumped out and ran into the woods.
Lara knelt down beside Theodore and stroked his hair. "Oh Theo. If only you hadn't been shot. We could've had so much fun together, running through the forest, clambering over fallen logs and swerving around bushes. What am I saying? How could anyone have fun in this time? I just wish you had survived." Lara choked on her words. "I love you so much. I don't want to leave you but I can't stay here forever. I...I have to go. Goodbye Theodore...forever..." Lara slowly brushed the leaves from the bush of her torn skirt, and rose from the ground. She looked up into the forest, dreading the thought of running into a pack of Nazis, but she had to go. If another train passed she'd be shot. Lara drew a deep breath and stared straight into the forest as she walked closer and closer.

Hello....? *echoes* guys, please I've me some feedback :/

Thank you!!!!!!! :D :D :D I'll continue it. Now one question I have to ask: was it sad?

agreed :(

Haha lov-el-eh :P

MOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! I love it! I- don't do very well on stories (I stick to poems) so I marvel at your work! You've really got talent :) I love you in-depth descriptions and you use strong vocabulary. I think its very brave of you to choose WW2 as a setting- that's a tricky time and when it comes down to realistic fiction- you have to get it right. You've done it very well. I really love the 4th chapter because the lenghtness was more grabbing and involving, but that last chapter was really distraught, which is a good thing in your case. Please continue!! :)

I'm so sorry! I haven't been getting notified of comments in this group due to the charter boxes filling up my notifications in this other group.
as always, though, your writing is great:)

Thanks guys! I haven't checked in a while and I forgot about this story but I will continue it! :D