Writer's Aid discussion

How this thread works: Rate and critique the first paragraph or opening hook (which can be three paragraphs if necessary. Nothing over two hundred words please) ABOVE yours, then post your own first paragraph. Rate it out of 10.

Rules:

- No spamming or advertising.

- Give people constructive criticism, not insults.

- If someone does not rate/critique the paragraph above them, ignore their paragraph and go to the one that was skipped.

Okay then, I'll start:


I HATED a lot of things. I hated those cheesy, annoying, completely cliché and fake accents on movies and shows. I hated people who assumed they knew everything and everyone. I hated people who couldn’t own up to their own mistakes. And luckily for me, my father fell into pretty much every category of things I loathed.

Well, I think this one can be judged only if there is a little more. I know that my critique might sound implausible, but this one is good. It's well written, but overuse of the same word makes it feel like someone has been paid too write the word hated (no offense). But in a different point of view, it is euphonious.

Well, that's good criticism, one I will pay attention to, but the gist of the game is to rate it out of 10 and after rating posting your own first paragraph. :p

Oh, sorry :P 8.5

Don't forget to post your own first paragraph! ;)

I had to go that day. Anyway, here it is:

"Cat, come back here! Cat! Cathy!"Cat's mother cried. The streets were crowded, and her 5-year-old daughter could easily get lost. She saw Cat near the window of a doll shop. Her eyes were fixed to a doll inside. "There you are!"her mother said, heaving a sigh of relief. "Now, we better get going." "Mum, I need that doll,"said Cat. Cat's mother gave her a worried look. "I think you have enough dolls already." However, Cat refused to budge, and stamped the ground indignantly. "I need that doll! I need it! I need it!" Cat's mother sighed; she had no choice. "Fine, I'll get you the doll."

8/10. It hints at the story, but doesn't provide enough interest. Of course, I'll have to read the rest to provide a finished feedback :3

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We regret the things that we didn't do more than the things we did. And regret can be a terrible feeling; it can come in the form of grief and shame, just in different shades. Regret can kill, or worse, make you kill.

8- I'm interested and curious about what is behind the regret but there isn't much here. The phrase '…just in different shades' doesn't flow with the rest of the sentence. I think it is a good line, maybe add it to the next sentence?

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Is this discussion still going? If it is, I will add my paragraph.

Jessie wrote: "8- I'm interested and curious about what is behind the regret but there isn't much here. The phrase '…just in different shades' doesn't flow with the rest of the sentence. I think it is a good line..."

I would love to rate your paragraph

Would love to continue this as well

I could add a paragraph of my own, but I don't know if I've got anything good haha

Sanne wrote: "Jessie wrote: "8- I'm interested and curious about what is behind the regret but there isn't much here. The phrase '…just in different shades' doesn't flow with the rest of the sentence. I think it..."

Thank you!! I'll look at yours if you want? This is my first paragraph..

My eyes are heavy and I can hear the distant drippings of a leaking faucet, scared whimpers and muffled cries. None of which are the familiar sounds of my bedroom. The concrete slab beneath me is cold enough to make my skin feel like it is burning, sending sharp pins and needles radiating throughout the exposed skin of my body. I try licking my lips but my mouth is too dry, making my tongue feel like sandpaper against the roof of my mouth. A copper taste lingers in my mouth, threatening what little I have left in my stomach to come back up.

Sanne wrote: "I could add a paragraph of my own, but I don't know if I've got anything good haha"

I think we all feel like that. But I bet you have something good, you just don't know it yet :)

8 - I really like the way you describe the surroundings. I am curious about the rest of the story. I don't know if 'None of which are...' should be in a new sentence, but I guess the previous sentence would be really long otherwise haha.
I didn't really know what paragraph to send, because I am currently working on a smutty kind of scene, with no context at all. I'll just add it anyway.

My mind is still clouded with sleep when a cold breeze covers my body in goosebumps as he joins me under the covers. His weight makes the mattress next to me sink and shortly after, I feel his breath tickling my right shoulder. Not ready to start the day yet, I open my eyes just enough to see that my room is still covered in the darkness of the night. I figure the sun is too shy to peek through the blinds and pierce the shadow with its rays of light.
“Good, you’re awake.” I can almost hear the grin that I’m sure is on his face as he speaks. I try to suppress a sigh, but fail miserably making it sound more like a cough. He chuckles and for a moment I believe he is leaving again, but then his cold feet brush against mine. I shiver.

9- Very Omnious, and really creepy


On a cool September night, while all the other children were tucked into beds warm and safe with the knowledge that their parents were just across the hall should the monster under their beds or in their closet ever return. While all the other children had a night light shining bright across the room fighting away the darkness. While all the other children were happy and safe, one little boy ran for his life, a parcel of blankets almost too big for him to hold clutched protectively to his chest.
As the boy ran, his bare feet hit the dirty pavement hard and the footprints left in the dirt were stained red. But the little boy never stopped, never wavered; there was something much more precious than himself that he needed to save. He continued to run.

8- I really like it. I want to know why the boy is bleeding (or possibly stepped in blood or red paint and is now tracking it), what he's running from, and what he's carrying. I'm already invested. The only frisson point for me was starting new sentences with 'while'. It disrupted the flow for me. Maybe commas or semicolons to link?

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It was frigid day in my sixteenth year when I met the man who would irrevocably change my life. Gunmetal clouds scudded through the sky, driven by the fierce winds that chilled me to the bone. As I entered the forest, the trees around me soughed and creaked. Talboa Forest wasn’t like Minzo. In Minzo, the trees were mostly oak, spread far apart. Talboa was a forest of regal pine and mastiff evergreens, grown close together. It was claustrophobic, but I’d had to get away and forests had always been a soothing sanctuary.
My glowlamp barely lit the path as I entered the deeper recesses of the forest, where the limbs almost completely blocked out the sky. Nevermind that I was lost in my brooding thoughts and scarcely paying attention to the path. Such that it was that I didn’t even see the figure sitting propped against a tree. I had no inkling I was no longer alone until a distinctly masculine cough stirred me from my reverie. I gave an undignified yelp and my glowlamp went flying, to land with a soft thud on the matting of pine needles littering the forest floor. Heart hammering, I bent to retrieve my lamp, fighting valiantly to compose myself before turning to glare at the man by the tree.

Sanne wrote: "8 - I really like the way you describe the surroundings. I am curious about the rest of the story. I don't know if 'None of which are...' should be in a new sentence, but I guess the previous sente..."

I love this line: "I figure the sun is too shy to peek through the blinds and pierce the shadow with its rays of light."

I want to know more about both characters. The only thing I would add is maybe make the female character a little more clearer. Is she happy or excited that he is there? Or is she apprehensive and maybe not really wanting to him? Maybe she wants more sleep and doesn't want to put forth the effort of what's coming next.the last one is what the paragraph makes me lean towards. I do want to read more though :)

J. Aislynn wrote: "8- I really like it. I want to know why the boy is bleeding (or possibly stepped in blood or red paint and is now tracking it), what he's running from, and what he's carrying. I'm already invested...."

I'd probably rate it an 8, the writing is really solid! The descriptions on everything from the thoughts to the actions the main character took, to the description of the forests were on point. Your writing has a mysterious feel to it, and it intrigues me to read on! I want to know more about your main protagonist, and the mysterious figure that stood against the tree, as well as what meeting him would mean to the main protagonist. I want to be subjective and pick out something you need to work on, but I really don't think there is!

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My first paragraph just 7 words under 200! It's a start of a story that I put off for far too long.

She was sitting directly in front of me, and staring at me. I would had been flattered, except it differed from the way Augustus was staring at Hazel. She wasn't staring lovingly; she wasn't trying to check me out secretly thinking that I look like her dead boyfriend. Also, we weren't in support group, so isn't at all like what happened between Augustus and Hazel. Real life doesn't have emotional touching endings like that? It just sucks most of the time, and wants you to take notice of its suckyness. I raised my eyebrows at her, and then quickly realized that she wasn't really staring at me, she was just staring into the space I happen to be right in the path of it. I'm sorry, stranger girl, it seems that I misunderstood you for a creep; even if it's just in my thoughts, I feel like I should apologize to you. She wasn't really looking at me, her mind was miles and miles away. Millicent, her name was, I knew later from asking around. She was the local crazy, I think, but most people are little crazy in their own way here.

I rate this a 6.75. I'd like to rate this a 7, but I can't quite stretch it to there. There are a few typos/wrong words and awkward sentences that I trip over.

Example - I would had been flattered

I spend too much time trying to figure out what should be in place of 'had.' (I would have been flattered? I would be flattered?)

I'm guessing the speaker is male, but there's nothing that tells me one way or the other. A support group is mentioned but a support group for what? It just leaves me with too many questions that don't pull me in. I do like this -

She was the local crazy, I think, but most people are little crazy in their own way here.

Good line, although IMHO you could drop 'here' at the end of it without hurting it at all.
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My first paragraph of a WIP -

Unarmed and alone, banished by the People, Cuinn walked into the Forest leaving behind everything he'd ever known. He had no direction in mind, only directions not to go. He couldn't go to the City even if he wanted. It was completely destroyed by the Great Earthquake. Those who survived were encamped in the fields between the ruins and the Great Forest. The other camps would have been warned, so there'd be no help there even if he wanted to seek it. He placed his fate in the hands of Those Who Guide Us. It would be their decision whether he lived or died.