YA LGBT Books discussion

Coming out LGBTQIAP is not an event but a process, different for each person, and in each situation. And yet, perhaps by sharing what we believe, feel and experience, we can help each other out.

I've been thinking about the qualities of coming out as transgender that make it somewhat unique, and potentially quite difficult, even within a loving family. I know several teens, both online and in real life, who are trans and who are somewhere in that process. And I'd love to get input, especially from older trans individuals here, about ways to smooth their path.

Hormones are getting better managed. Surgeries more adept. Legal changes make it possible to shift your driver's license from "M" to "F" with the right documents and support. Puberty blockers can be great. And the laws are slowly catching up. But how do we make the process easier for everyone?

If you want to comment, but hesitate to put your experiences under your avatar/name, you can also PM them to me, and I can post them anonymously for you, if you trust me to do that. We'd love to hear from you.

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I think one difficulty with coming out trans is that you are not saying to family and friends, as a gay or lesbian individual would, "I'm the same person you always thought I was, just different in whom I'm attracted to." That's tough enough, when who you love is the same sex, or poly, or bi.

But a trans person is saying, "You never knew the real me. I am a different gender. I may want to give up the name you've always used, the name my parents chose for me. I may want surgery to get rid of body parts that are alien to my true self. I may want hormones and treatments that will make it impossible for me to have biological children, ever."

That's really scary to say, and hard to hear and accept, for friends and family, and probably especially for parents. And to make it even tougher, there are time elements. If you want to use puberty-blocking drugs, they need to be done in the pre-teen or early teen years. That requires parents to accept this fundamental change in how they see their child at an age when they don't see their child as competent at an adult level. It requires acceptance, belief, and action.

Even more complex is the situation for those who do not recognize and have awareness of their trans identity early on. Of the teens I know, only one was aware of being trans before puberty hit. The others all came gradually to that awareness as hormones rose, as body changes happened, as their gender-identity sat less and less comfortably with their sense of self. A couple only made the connection with certainty around seventeen or eighteen. At that point, transitioning is a big shift for everyone concerned.

What's more, it's something that really needs parental support to go well for trans teens. Whether it involves blockers or hormones or surgery, name change, dress code, etc, it is hard to achieve those things quietly and unobtrusively, waiting to become independent and out of the parental sphere. All of those measures work better the earlier they happen. And in an ideal situation they take parental permission, parental funds (and the cost is a whole other obstacle), and legal signatures.

For parents, finding out something fundamentally new about a child often includes regret. Not necessarily for who they are, but for something that seemed simple becoming complex and hard on them, for changing dreams, and sometimes thinking that a lack of certainty or trust in the parent that kept the topic from coming up earlier. To have tried to provide the best for your child, and to find out that what you have given them as a childhood or adolescence was completely wrong for them, is tough. To know what they will go through to find their true selves is painful. To see how the world treats people in their position is scary.

It can go well. That's the hope. There are trans individuals who live their lives out as their true gender, and find a fulfilling life. But it isn't simple. And the more everyone is onboard, the better it will be.

So parents, family, friends, and the trans individuals all face a coming out with more obstacles than most.

Any thoughts, suggestions, links, resources or good ideas? Any experiences you want to share?

Another important difference between coming out as LGB vs. Trans is just how evident and all encompassing being trans can be. I am pretty open at work. Coming as bi is something between me and a few coworkers who know me well enough to know my personal life. But when I was transitioning, the physical changes make it obvious to every single person in the hospital and to most of our patient population as well. Like I joked, you can't take the boobs off. So for better or worse, when you come out Trans, you come out to the entire world. It's scary at times, but it's been worth it for me. I love my life know, in ways I couldn't have even imagined seven years ago.

Thanks - hearing from someone who transitioned and made it through the complications of the process to embrace a more positive life is great.

Kaje wrote: "Coming out LGBTQIAP is not an event but a process, different for each person, and in each situation. And yet, perhaps by sharing what we believe, feel and experience, we can help each other out.

I..."

I have an old friend of mine, from primary school, who was born a girl but I am sure she feels she is a man. She is now 42 and has never made what I think is the right choice for her happiness. She mentioned it to me, I'm talking about 30 years ago, and I am sure she has been dreaming of it all her life. That's because she can't tell her family (well done Italy, again!) and she lives in a very closely-tied family (she still lives with her parents and sisters and her grandparents lived with them till their death, her uncle's house is next door... They all work in the same place etc...)

It must be very hard to come out as transgender when you have generations to explain it to, and a whole big circle of relatives around you. How stifling. I always wished her parents (who must suspect something) took the initiative and slowly but supportingly eased her co ing out. Ironically, I don't think they would have an issue with it, but the way you perceive your family is dieffenbachia from the way others do.

Actually, she's 41 still, for a few months.

I don't have experience from the perspective of *being* a trans* person... but as the parent of one.

When my 18-year-old was 10 or 11, she came out to me as bisexual. That was easy to deal with. As she put it, she "likes girls the same way I like boys," and I was cool with that. I gave her a little lecture about being aware that her life might not be easy and that she would face prejudice and people telling her she was "confused," but that I supported her and just wanted her to be happy.

Last summer, shortly after she turned 18, she came out as gender fluid. Suddenly my girly daughter who wanted long hair and liked miniskirts and makeup chopped off her hair and started spending equal amounts of time "female" and "male." She doesn't identify as one gender or the other; sometimes she *feels* one way and sometimes the other, but she considers herself non-binary.

And she would probably lecture me for using female pronouns, because even when she's presenting as female she prefers the male ones... And I forgot again. I do that a lot.

My kiddo has chosen a gender-neutral name, which I try to remember to use. His birth name (there, got the pronoun right) was after his father's grandmother, who was a very important figure in his father's life, so I've encouraged him at this point not to make the legal change. His father and that side of the family do not know my kiddo is gender-fluid. As far as they know, "she" just decided to chop off her hair, and sometimes wears guys' shirts because they're more comfortable. That family is very, very prejudiced, and to be honest, I fear for my kiddo's safety if he came out to them. Kiddo has the same fears.

For me as his mother, it's a process of reconciling the daughter I raised with the child I now have (and realizing they're the same person; just because he didn't come out until he was 18 doesn't mean this wasn't the case before then). It's a process of wrangling my fibromyalgia-fogged memory to remember to use masculine pronouns and kiddo's chosen name. All of this complicated by trying to wrap my head around the fact that this "child" is now an adult, and by trying to help him navigate a number of life issues while holding onto my own sanity.

For my husband, kiddo's stepdad, it's a process of trying to understand what "gender-fluid" even means and trying to convince himself this isn't just another "Oh, this sounds cool, so I'm going to try it to get attention" move on kiddo's part. (There is some historic rationale for hubby thinking that way...)

For kiddo's younger sister, who is on the autism spectrum, it's a process of using female pronouns and kiddo's birth name because for younger one, names ARE the person, and changing someone's name means they aren't the same person anymore. But... we've also overheard younger kiddo telling her friends about her older *brother.* She's accepting and respecting her sibling in her own way.

For the three of us who live in the home with kiddo, it's also a process of protecting him from his dad and that family finding out. It's a process of supporting him through friends choosing to leave his life because they don't believe him, or don't support him, or think he's a "perverted freak," as one put it.

Kiddo won't be physically transitioning, because he is okay with his body as is (other than wishing his chest was smaller so it would be easier to bind on "masculine days.") But it's been a huge life transition for him trying to figure out who he is, where it's safe to fully be himself, and trying to recognize that someone not calling him by the "right" name and pronouns isn't necessarily disrespect or discrimination; sometimes it's just the way it is. And sometimes people can't reconcile "he" with the presence of a girl wearing Bettie Page-style makeup, a dress and heels, and a waist-length wig...

(To clarify the last statement, I'm not talking about people who are around kiddo all the time and have had the situation explained to them. I'm talking about people who don't know kiddo is gender-fluid, or in a couple of cases who don't know him at all... Kiddo sometimes defaults to "This person is against me" instead of recognizing that some people simply don't know the situation, nor do they need to.)

Jo wrote: "I don't have experience from the perspective of *being* a trans* person... but as the parent of one.

When my 18-year-old was 10 or 11, she came out to me as bisexual. That was easy to deal with. A..."

Hello,

First, pass on my wishes for a happy life to your kiddo, please.

Yes, there is a difference between sex and gender: sex is a physical thing (male/female/hermaphrodite, let's remember they do exist), gender is a psychological dimension. I have bits of my gender which are female, but I am totally fine with being sexually male. That's maybe why sometimes I act like a woman (and I don't mean that I am camp, I, for example, feel a sense of being a mother to young people, never a father; I have a group of sisters, mainly male, but women too, and our friendship is sisterly, of course we use she instead of he etc. These relations too are fluid.. I mean, some sisters are more like brothers at times, sometimes even sex partners, but we always move back to the default position which is that of sisters).

I think your kiddo has an incredibly rich life ahead: you are right, there may be discrimination ahead to (we all hope not, but this world ain't perfect), but I swear, this thing of being able to live life from different perspectives is just wonderful, enriching, fulfilling and I actually wish everybody could: it's a privilege, not a disadvantage, whatever other people wish to think.

Ade

Adriano wrote: "Jo wrote: "I don't have experience from the perspective of *being* a trans* person... but as the parent of one.

When my 18-year-old was 10 or 11, she came out to me as bisexual. That was easy to d..."

A gentle nudge, if I may. Intersex is more correct that hermaphrodite, which some intersex people find offensive, since it denotes the side show atmosphere that once surrounded such conditions. You seem open minded and I wouldn't want you to get flamed on some forum over word choice. ;-)

Rachel wrote: "Adriano wrote: "Jo wrote: "I don't have experience from the perspective of *being* a trans* person... but as the parent of one.

When my 18-year-old was 10 or 11, she came out to me as bisexual. Th..."

Thanks, sorry, intersex then, of course. I didn't know it had bad connotations; I know they have little 'representation' in the world; I suppose many people don't even know intersex people do exist.

Jo wrote: "I don't have experience from the perspective of *being* a trans* person... but as the parent of one.

When my 18-year-old was 10 or 11, she came out to me as bisexual. That was easy to deal with. A..."

It sounds like you're all working through this together. He's lucky to have a parent whose main goal is to be supportive and help him find the most comfortable path.

From being *Trans* myself it's hard work coming to family and your closest friends. Especially when you are Catholic. They shun those who are not normal as I was told. I came out to a couple of my closest friends who are very Catholic, I was shunned and asked to leave that church. I did and went to another Catholic church and said nothing for a long time.

After making new friends, I decided to see if I was going to be excepted by my new friends. I told five of my closest girl friends. I found three are supportive, the rest told the whole congregation and found I have several more supportive friends and the rest just ignore I'm alive.

This told me I can go to church, be ignored by some and have support from other. Even the priest at the church I go to now is supportive and likes to know how I'm doing. He's more like a friend that a priest.

I told my parents. one whom is also trans. My bio father is a MTF. She changed when I was five. That is when she left our family. She contacted us again when I was 14. Her partner knew I was trans. He took me to a gender therapist and my bio father(second mother) told him I was not going to take his daughter away. My bio mother shunned me and began beating me daily till I finally left the house when I was 19yrs.

My second mother and my bio mother both told me I was stealing and killing their daughter. I always thought my second mother would understand. She didn't.. Now my whole family don't talk to me. I haven't heard from them in 15 yrs. I've been living in Indiana for almost 9 yrs now. I'm originally from England.

Coming out is hard for anyone...

Wow, that's more than hard. Parents who are so irrational to mold their children into what they want them to be, not who they are, make me so sad. And how someone trans themselves can be so dead set against you is hard to comprehend. I'm glad you found a supportive priest though - it's healing to think that there are allies and compassionate people in unexpected places.

Yes I have a handful of supportive and christian friends. I also have online friends I can turn too. The picture below says everything...

I have been very afraid to come out. I have trust issues and am afraid of people. But when I came out to my mom and made a hint that I still like girls she told me that I can stay I guy then. That was very insulting.

I think most people just don't understand what transgender really means. I am still exploring the issue and I still have a lot to learn. That might be where she is coming from. That doesn't change how it makes you feel, but it might explain where she is coming from and I hope that she is looking into it for her sake. I love my daughter and when she came out it didn't change how I felt about her. Good luck!

Amy, Hayden's datefriend wrote: "I have been very afraid to come out. I have trust issues and am afraid of people. But when I came out to my mom and made a hint that I still like girls she told me that I can stay I guy then. That ..."

Do you have support anywhere in RL?

Averin wrote: "Amy, Hayden's datefriend wrote: "I have been very afraid to come out. I have trust issues and am afraid of people. But when I came out to my mom and made a hint that I still like girls she told me ..."

Yea I do. That was her at the beginning. She may have read a bit about it, and we talked a little. And she's okay now. But I still like don't feel comfortable coming out to her also about my Asexuality

A video as a trans guy comes out to his university class.

This guy is articulate and yeah, inspiring.

I'm in the leather community where I live, and I'm privileged to know several transgendered people. I'm sure that all of them have gone through struggles, and many cope with other health issues as well. One thing that I find encouraging is how much they've been accepted by the leather community, how many friends they have who really support them. So it is possible to be trans and accepted, if not by the birth family, at least by a sort of surrogate family.

We all grieved when one incredible trans woman, Michelle, lost her battle with brain cancer a few years ago. The entire LGBT community came out in support of her, doing fundraisers to help her with her medical bills. She was a fantastic woman who happened to be born in a man's body. I miss her.

I guess the point is that while it can be frightening to come out trans, there is a community out there to love and support you. And yes, you can have real friends who accept you just the way you are.

J.T. wrote: "I'm in the leather community where I live, and I'm privileged to know several transgendered people. I'm sure that all of them have gone through struggles, and many cope with other health issues as..."

That's great to hear :)

Adriano wrote: "Actually, she's 41 still, for a few months."

I can say when you reach this age it is daunting, to say the least. You've come to terms with the body you were born with, and even though you feel trapped somewhere you don't belong, changing things becomes harder to consider with each year that passes. So older transgenders tend to live within their own secrets, a world that drags on them, and makes life a grey existence.
Edited to add; I should have mentioned support is hard to come by, and friends, whether they know or not, are wonderful people to turn to when having a hard moment.

A couple of posts about trans and family.

A young boy with a supportive mom and a ton of confidence: https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=...

And a post about families and supporting trans kids:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/dominicholden...

An interesting post about talking to a younger kid who is gender nonconforming, and friends with trans kids - https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/how-i...

Wren (aka Julia) wrote: "I recently came out as genderfluid...it was terrifying but so far I've only gotten positive feedback :) I'm hopeful that it will stay that way
I'm planning on changing my name to Wren because it is..."

Congratulations and very best wishes to you.

Kaje wrote: "Wren (aka Julia) wrote: "I recently came out as genderfluid...it was terrifying but so far I've only gotten positive feedback :) I'm hopeful that it will stay that way
I'm planning on changing my n..."

Thanks

http://letsqueerthingsup.com/2014/11/...

i found this article. very validating, asserts that genderqueer and other identities are "trans enough". i cried, tbh

Thanks for the link <3