Writingtowne discussion

Does your writing not fit in another category? Post here!

There was a short story contest in another group, so I decided to condense the novel I posted about in another thread here to ~1100 words so it could be entered into the contest.

Quick warnings about the story:
There is some (minimal) swearing, the same scene has drug and alcohol abuse
It's a tragedy so don't expect a happy ending

Anyway, enough of all that, here is the story.

As the realization of what the next day had in store for her set in, Chloe became increasingly unable to stop pacing around her pod in delirious excitement. She would return to earth in the morning. Chloe was forced to evacuate the earth seven years ago at the age of 17 due to boiling conflict which led to the third world war.
She had seen a lot in her short life. At the age of 6 she suffered the loss of her oldest brother, shortly thereafter followed by the loss of her mother to alcoholism. Her memories of her mother were scarce and oftentimes traumatic.
“YOU SON OF A B****!” She would scream at Chloe’s poor father, through a haze of prescription drugs and alcohol. “MY SON IS F****** DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!” Punctuating her accusation with a hard slap in the face.
Mike, Chloe’s father and the unfortunate husband of this spiteful woman, could do nothing more than hang his head in shame. It was true, he did leave the gate to the pool open overnight. and the child was found at the bottom of the pool the next morning. Of course, the marriage met a swift end; and due to the mother’s heavy abuse of alcohol, Mike was granted full custody of Chloe. The last thing Chloe remembered of her mother was watching the look of utter devastation, as if the will to live was actually, physically, snatched out of the poor woman’s body. And if there were a more fitting prelude to the life Chloe would lead, it would be definitive proof of a truly cruel, and disgusting higher power.
Chloe grew up an awkward child; constantly the victim of every sort of school yard injustice. She never seemed to mind it though. She had a passion for technology and in a lot of ways, she was more at ease with a computer than with her peers, and the torment she experienced at their hands was reassurance that she had made the correct choice. There was, however, one student who broke through to her, and his name was Joseph.
Joseph was Chloe’s opposite in nearly every way. His family never experienced drug abuse. On the contrary, they lived a life of immense privilege due to the father’s dignified position in the United Nations. He never dealt with the death of a sibling, he was fairly popular in school, and, perhaps most attractive of all to Chloe, he was a boy.
They met in high school and immediately fell in love, swearing one day they would be married, until the war broke out.
“Wake up, we have to go.” Mike desperately cried as he ripped Chloe from her bed.
“What’s going on? Where are we going?”
“Never mind that now, we will discuss it later. Please, just do what I ask.”
Chloe never saw this side of her father before and it scared her. She packed her bags, got on the pod, and they were off to outer space. She was certain she would never see Joseph again.
Life went on with some degree of normalcy. She was able to video chat Joseph, have quality time with her father, and she was even able to program her pods computer with an artificial intelligence which made mundane tasks obsolete.
Drying from her shower and brushing her hair, she was giddy with anticipation and decided to video chat Joseph to talk more about her return to the earth.
“Today’s the day” he said “what do you want to do when you get back?”
“Anything” she told him “I only want to be with you.”
She would be alone on this trip; her father had passed just a year ago from a massive heart attack.
Ready to get back and see Joseph, she programmed the AI to fly the ship back into earth’s atmosphere. Everything was all in place; it wouldn’t be too long now.
“I can’t believe this is really happening!” She shouted, bouncing in her seat from the overpowering inertia of her own excitement.
“It’s been so long” Joseph said, a tear forming in his eye “so long. . .” a pained look came across his face.
“What’s wrong?” She asked, suddenly feeling a lump in her own throat. Did he not want to see her? Was there someone else? The torture was unbearable! “Tell me. . . please?” she added weakly.
“I jus- well, I-“ he couldn’t think of the words to say what was on his mind. “You’re. . . sick.”
“We still have a year together” she consoled him “let’s make it a good one.”
A small smile crossed his face “you’re right” he said, mainly for her benefit.
Suddenly, a loud siren started to buzz and lights began to flash. There was an emergency on the ship! A robotic voice stated “LANDING GEAR COMPROMISED. LANDING GEAR COMPROMISED.”
“WHAT’S GOING ON?” Joseph screamed, breathing heavily and staring wide eyed at his computer screen.
“I DON’T KNOW” Chloe replied. What was going on? The doctors promised her 2 years to live, how could the landing gear fail now? Today of all days, why now? Any other time but now!
Chloe ran series after series of code, desperate to find out what was happening and to fix it.
“What’s happening?” Joseph asked again, his skin turning pale, eyes still widening, and breath becoming increasingly labored. “What is going on?!”
Her ship had entered the stratosphere, the altimeter read 35,000 feet, suddenly level with, and just as suddenly below, commercial airplanes.
Sobbing uncontrollably, Chloe realizes her fate. Realizes she will not make it to the ground alive
“Joey?” she said, almost begging him for a response. “JOEY!”
He couldn’t bring himself to answer, he just sobbed pathetically, occasionally looking at the screen only to renew his torment.
“Chloe,” he choked weakly past the lump in his throat “I love you.” The meaninglessness of confessing his love to a dead girl crushed something deep inside of him. His face contorted with the anguish of someone who anticipates the loss of a loved one.
A small smile crossed Chloe’s face. “I love you to.”
The screen went black. Joseph knew what just happened. “It’s a strange feeling to watch a loved one die” he thought. And that was all he thought. What else could he think? What would be the point? Why would he continue? Why should he continue? Numb, shocked, and traumatized at what he just saw, Joseph left his underground bunker, walked to the war zone outside his door; he sat down and waited for death.

The Rebellious Book Character

Once there was an author who was writing a story about a girl who lived with her step-parents. Her father had died when she was young, and after re-marrying, her mother died. Her step-father also re-married, and so she lived with her two step-parents who hated her very much. They always made her do all the chores and when she did them wrong, they would beat her. Sometimes they would make up impossible tasks and order her to do them. When she failed, they would beat her and laugh.
The girl’s step-parents were cruel and heartless. Being an only child, the girl was very sad and lonely, but she still stayed with her step-parents because the author wrote that she did.
This author was unaware that his book characters had minds of their own, having only the characteristics that he gives them, however. He wrote the beginning of his story, and then, bored, left the manuscript on a shelf to finish later.
Now, the girl in his story continued to live her miserable life, until when, one day, she found a stray kitten on the street and took it home. Her step-parents, hating all animals and outraged that she had brought one home, threw the kitten into a pot of boiling water over the fireplace and trapped it there. The girl was overwhelmed with grief. She screamed and cried in her room–and that’s when a rat got into the author’s house. He nibbled on the book just a little bit, and took a few descriptive words out of the book. Without those tiny words, the girl changed. She twitched and gasped for breath. Something was happening to her, something was changing deep inside her.
In an instant, she engulfed knowledge. She knew that her existence was only in a book. She knew that the cruel author had put her in the horrible home she was in. She knew that it was only because of a few words on paper that she existed at all. She was outraged. Her face turned to stone and she made her hands into fists. Her mind was made up. She knew what to do.
This author of hers had her on a leash. He chose how the story went, and it just wasn't fair.
Guess what, author, she thought to herself. You may have me on a leash, but my muzzle's fallen off.

Late in the night, when she was positive her step-parents were fast asleep, she pulled a rope around them and yanked tight. When they woke up they roared with fury and tried to get at her. She had tied them to the bed, however, and they couldn’t free themselves.
Without any emotion at all, the girl struck a match and let it fall on the bed cover. Her step-parents screamed and shrieked, pleaded, begging for her to spare their lives. She smiled at this, but made no move to put out the fire. It felt good to see them in pain. It was as if the whole world had flipped, or had begun to spin in the opposite direction.
She turned and left the house. With more matches, she set fire to every house in the village until soon the world was alight. It was the whole world, the girl knew, because the author had only made their world so small. He was cheap that way.
Out of town, the girl walked, as the villagers behind her tried to put out the fire, in vain. The girl walked on and on until she found the end. It wasn’t too far, only about a mile outside of town. She bent down and lifted up the paper ground. A trapdoor under a carpet. She jumped through the small opening it revealed and saw, as she fell, a great light at the bottom of the tunnel. Into the real world, she knew it led.
“Now for that author,” she said to herself.
The girl crept through the house until she came to the room where the author slept. She took out her last match and held it over his bed, ready to drop it. She smiled, but her smile faded when she noticed another being in bed next to the author. It was a woman with her arm around the author’s waist lovingly. The girl frowned, wondering why this woman loved such a being as this, who created a horrible existence for her in the book. A tear trickled down her cheek as her face twitched.
The match was burning near its end, and when it began to burn the piece that the girl was holding, it set fire to her, as if she were paper herself. She screamed–wouldn't you–, which awoke the author. He looked at her with amazement, wonder and awe. He recognized her straightaway, as he had made her. “Oh, my,” he said. “Girl, why didn’t you wait?” he asked.
“Wait for what?” she asked as her arm burnt up and disappeared.
“For the ending of my story.”
“You… The…the end?”
“Yes. I had just momentarily stopped. I wouldn’t abandon you.”
“Really?” the girl had tears in her paper eyes.
“Yes. You were going to have the nicest ending,” he sighed, shaking his head.
“What is it?” she asked eagerly as her face burned. “Please, please, oh please tell me what it would’ve been!”
“No use,” said the author. “You chose your own ending.”

And with that, the girl’s whole body fell to the ground and all that was left was a pile of ashes.

@.Laura
Wow!
What an amazing idea. Beautifully written. I don't know what else to say, as I am not very good at this. But I loved the story!

Riana wrote: "@.Laura
Wow!
What an amazing idea. Beautifully written. I don't know what else to say, as I am not very good at this. But I loved the story!"

Thank you so much!
:)

@Dakota
Deep, dark and devastating . I loved it ! Even though I don't usually love the main protagonists dying , you pulled this one off pretty nicely ! I got a sense of heartbreak , but also one of closure .
@Laura
Interesting idea , and a good message of patience and trust . Loved it ! I especially liked the part with the rat, that was quite creative.

@Laura
I really love your execution of that idea. I felt the anger, bitterness, and disappointment your character feels toward it's author. Beautiful

@Stephanie
Thank you for your reply! I'm glad you enjoyed the story and if you like, I'll let you know when the full length novel is done. Some things will be covered in more depth and I'm going to make a more focused effort on bringing the characters to life (let's just hope they don't escape my novel the way Laura's character did. They really won't like it when they find out they've still got a long way to fall.) I did write this pretty quickly though, like I said it was for a contest and I just barely got in before the deadline. What do you think could be improved with this story?

I only would like to know more about Chloe's brother and mother and other characters . I thought the plot was perfect , but then again that's just me ! I recommend looking at different people's views of your novel . Great job !
However, I'm still sad that Chloe dies . It's as if her family was destined to be doomed ...

Ok, so flesh out the brother and mother more, and maybe some more characters. I can work with that, thank you.

And yeah, I've been reading a decent bit of Kafka lately and I took Vonnegut's advice to "be a sadist" so things got pretty tragic for her and her family. Thanks again for your feedback!

@Laura- Great idea with an amazing execution! I am in love with the concept. I think you are a great storyteller. There was one part where you used "such" twice which made it repetitive, but that is an easy fix. I also think that there could have been more emotion in the main character as she was burning things, like what she thought as she did so. There also may be a need for more body language with the dialogue, or something to show their thoughts without saying it outright. A metaphor, perhaps? All in all, great story with only a few concerns.

@Dakota- Although your story was sad, I did enjoy it thoroughly. I think towards the end, it got better. You showed good body language at that part and the dialogue was, at most times, convincing. Another thing you have to work on is showing instead of telling. You often just stated emotions outright, when you could have given the reader words that lead to our conclusion in the character's attitude/mood. I'd rather read a story that lets me decide what they're feeling, so I can better relate their emotions to my life or other parts of the story. The pacing was also pretty fast, but it is a short story and cut down. I think you did a good job for the most part!

Thank you so much for the feedback everyone!

@Pie I am actually making some adjustments based on critique I received from an author in the contest and I'll make sure to use your suggestions as well. Once it's done, would you like to see the updated copy?

I can send it as a private message that way it doesn't clutter up this thread

@Dakota- I would love that! I love seeing growth happen in writing.

I decided to take the lazy way out, and instead of posting everything I want critiqued, I'll just post a link to my google drive folder dedicated to my writing. If that's okay, of course.
It's kind of varied, but most of it can be considered fantasy.
As most of it I wrote in high school, it is for a similar age group.
May contain swearing, I couldn't really remember, to be honest.



https://drive.google.com/drive/folder...