Readers & Writers discussion

Tell me a Joke!
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Here's One:
A young man is praying, "O Lord, in your mind, how long is a thousand years?"
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"In my mind a thousand years are but one second."
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"Right. And in your mind, Lord, how much is a million dollars worth?"
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"To me a million dollars is like one penny."
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"I see... Uhhm... Lord, could you give me a penny?"
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The Lords replies "Sure. Just wait one second."

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
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Snowballs.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

GROAN!

I went to the doctor and told him that I broke my arm in two places.

The doctor told me in the future I should stay away from those places.

A grasshopper hopped into a bar and the barman said, "we have a drink named after you!"
Baffled, the grasshopper said, "what? Kevin?"

Did I ever tell you about the witch doctor who was a dwarf that escaped prison? The next day in the paper, the headline was:
'Small Medium at Large.'

Here is a oldie but a goodie about a King and his Kingdom.

There was a King who grew bored with the antics of his Court Jester. He was looking for some excitement. I guess as an adrenaline rush of sorts. One day, while the Court Jester was in the middle of his routine, the King rises from the throne, orders his guards to gather all of his subjects in the courtyard because he wanted to make a proclamation. The Court Jester stops in the middle of juggling apples as the rest of the court reacts to the King's sudden request. The King's serviceman head out announcing throughout the countryside of the pending declaration to made two days from now. From miles around, all the subjects of the kingdom make their way to the courtyard. Everyone is curious as to what news the King would have to share. As the courtyard fills forty-eight hours later, all of the King's subjects begin to whisper amongst themselves. "Does anyone know what this could be about?" Silence befalls the crowd as the King emerges from the balcony high above the courtyard. The King begins, "Greetings to my royal subjects. I would like to make this proclamation or challenge if you will. To the first man to swim the ocean channel, I will give all my riches, my beautiful daughters' hand in marriage and he will become King upon my passing onto the next life." There are gasps amongst the crowd and chatter as if the King has gone man. Before the King could utter another word, there was a splash. A man had jumped into the ocean channel. The channel was a narrow body of rough water with crocodiles, water moccasins, and man eating piranha that separated the castle from common people. It was about six-feet wide. The drawbridge covered the width and the subjects gathered at the edge of it whenever they were summoned to here news. The King loves his subjects but from a distance. The man is swimming with all his might. All of the hungry residents of the ocean channel immediately set their sights on this man who has entered their territory. The man continues to swim. A crocodile is inches away from the man's feet as he continues his strokes to reach the other side. The King is elated at the man's tenacity. His blood is rushing through his veins just as quickly as the man in the ocean channel swims. The King is flushed with excitement. Thankfully, the man makes it to the other side of the ocean channel. The guardsmen help him out. The crowd cheers, the King applauses and exits the balcony. Moments later the King is at ground level rushing over to the man who crossed the ocean channel. Everyone is quiet to hear what the King has to say. He begins. "'My son, my son, since you were the first bravest man to swim across the ocean channel, I grant you all of my riches, my beautiful daughters' hand in marriage and my kingdom when the times comes in the future." The man wrapped in a blanket provided by the guardsmen is still trying to catch his breathe as the King made his statements. He takes another two deep breathes and stands up straight to respond. He begins. "You can keep all of your riches." He pauses momentarily to choose his words with care. He continues. "I do not want your daughters' hand in marriage and I do not want your damn kingdom. All I want to know is who the hell push me in the water."

And Jesus said, "Come forth and receive Eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

The Lord said "Come forth".
Bur he came fifth and lost his beer money.