Filmmaking Community discussion

I posted one of my scripts on Goodreads about a month ago, it's been getting good feedback from my writing groups and I wanted to invite you guys to critque it.

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/4...

It's horror. Enjoy.
lauren

Wahoo! I finished my script today! First draft with some minor editing.
Now I've just got to beg some of my family members into reading it!

Lida and Jamie wrote: "Wahoo! I finished my script today! First draft with some minor editing.
Now I've just got to beg some of my family members into reading it!"

How did I miss this post!? CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Oh, that sounds quite good! It sounds like there would be different kinds of humor involved, if they're trying to find one person's style of humor. Add in corporate politics and dynamic character interaction and it sounds like you've got a great movie!

Thanks! I've started working on the second draft and correcting typos. I'm hoping that I'll be able to get the script finished around the New Year, because I'm planning to enter it in some contests, and that way I won't have to worry about any deadlines.

Thanks for that but i have just started with a crisis of confidence dilemma (again). I have decided that i need to rewrite several of the stand up routines for both style and substance, although everything else i feel is ok. It is much better to read these things on paper. I hope yours comes along well. Any hints on content or are you keeping it close to your chest?

Ok "LAST STAND" is finished i think. Maybe just a tweek here and there. I have also rectified the mistakes in the Sypnosis, well the non grammatical ones anyway. So the sypnosis is here and i have popped a short scene on the "Writing" part of this site.

All comments welcome

Thanks peeps

Davey

Synopsis

Adrian Lamb is a highly successful stand up comedian booked to front a national television variety show who dies a week before it’s live airing. The show is produced by two merging companies, Big Picture Productions and Bradley Productions and there are rival factions amongst them who would like to see both the show and the merger fail. Ellis a young executive is charged with solving the problem of replacing Adrian Lamb, but no comedian will fill a dead comics shoes. Enter Bear a failing Northern comedian who is working as a recovery truck driver and who is also the brother in law of Ellis. They have a week and with the help of Bear’s family, his riotous friend Bob and the mysterious disgraced old timer simply known as “The Comedian” can they save the show, save the career of Ellis, save “The Comedian” from his past and more importantly, can they make Bear funny?

Yay! Scripts being finished all around!

I think that the scene sounds really good--short and snappy and showing what's going on!

I think my projects are coming along pretty well--the one I've just finished is an adaption of Doctor Faustus. I'm quite pleased with it. :)

Lida and Jamie wrote: "Yay! Scripts being finished all around!

I think that the scene sounds really good--short and snappy and showing what's going on!

I think my projects are coming along pretty well--the one I've..."

I am going to show my ignorance now and admit i am not familiar with it. Sorry. I have however just done a little research in Doctor Faustus and it seems like a very interesting work. Dark with an intrecate story which lets face it would not be dated even now. I sencierly hope that you have some luck with this.

Davey

That's alright. I didn't know about it until I pulled it off the shelf of my library and thought it looked interesting. ;) Good luck to you too!

I may have messed this up a bit!

I decided that "Last Stand" was ready for the world. So decided that i would now source an Agent and unleash it. I trawled the net and decided upon one. I wont give the name just in case, but i sent them an e-mail containing the synopsis even though their site said they were not accepting submissions and the following day received this reply:

Dear Davey

Thank you for your email. I’m afraid as we are still not accepting any submissions, we will be unable to help you with your work.

Best Wishes

*****

So "ok" i thought, they need buttering up a bit more, I will send another e-mail and show them what they are missing. I replied with the following

Dear *****

I thank you for your reply yesterday. I promise you that this is the last unsolicited e-mail I will send you, all I ask is that you read it.

I really do understand that you probably get more e-mails than you know what to do with every day but I just wish to outline a few reasons why you may wish to reconsider allowing me to send you my screenplay.

I thought that I might be able to wet your appetite with my synopsis for “Last Stand”, but I see that is not enough, maybe spelling synopsis correctly will help this time. Also when I mentioned “Help Needed” apart from the stuff my therapist is trying to achieve I don’t really need any, my screenplay is more or less the finished article, so maybe “Help needed” was a little misleading and for that I apologise.

Reasons for reconsideration

1. Your Agency is the first I have ever approached and your name does not even begin with the letter A.

2. “Last stand” does not contain Gangsters, Zombies, Wizards, Werewolves, Brad Pitt, Vampires, Racing Drivers, Simon Cowell, Politicians or Monsters, although I am willing to write a part for Brad Pitt if it helps. It is not a Horror Film or a Fantasy Film or a Romantic Comedy, it does however contain a total of three (original) mother-in-law jokes which hopefully are mild enough not to cause offence.

3. I stated in the e-mail dated 7th November that I knew of no industry insiders whom could recommend my screenplay to you. I remembered last night that my mate Ash once dated a girl who worked at Blockbuster and wondered if she would count?

4. It is demeaning for me to beg, but my dog, who really is called Dipstick, is very good at it so here goes:

Oinuawvr;iugey r[ioab7ipgr ij0it ojk5e a\ehy97w 064
H6thyzg[gifak g\ser u0g\s oi

Unfortunately he is worse at spelling than I am. Roughly translated it means: Please give Davey’s screenplay a chance or he might get mean and not give me a bone, and you probably don’t want that on your conscience do you?

I was also going to get the cat to write a sentence, just to cover all bases, but he refused. If he had have written one it would have probably read “I am a cat what do I care”. Cats eh!

5. Stand–Up DVD’s are all the rage at the moment, and there is plenty of original stand-up in “Last Stand”. My last review in the “Scarborough Herald” said that my performance was “Bordering on the edge of lunacy” and “Fantastical”. No one else will ask me to represent them in a Magistrates Court again but the experience from my own personal point of view was great. Don’t worry about my mate Steve by the way, execution is no longer allowed and he should be out in eighteen months.

6. I already have my speech written for the awards season and saw a really nice suit in Mr Buyrite.

And finally

7. It’s fresh but old. It has the feel of an Ealing Comedy. It’s feel good and happy, I almost grew a beard and bought sandals and started eating those little sunflower seed thingies, that get stuck right in the top of your teeth at the back, when you chew them during writing it. It is original and it raises a smile, and what can be better than that (apart from cheese on toast of course)?

I hope this gives me more credibility to be treated as a serious artiste, and if not I hope it raised a smile, whatever your decision I shall abide by it

Thanks for reading this

Davey

P.S Just to prove that I am actually a real person, with feelings and stuff, and not just computer generated Spam, here is my mobile telephone number

***** ******


For some reason i have had no further reply. Back to the drawing board and the day job i guess.

Gosh, I'm sorry I haven't posted or replied to anything lately! I've been a bit busy. Congratulations on letting your script see the light of day--I'm sure lots of people can't get up the courage to send anything out.
Sorry that it got rejected, but if they weren't accepting submissions, maybe it didn't have anything to do with your script.
If you need help with query letters, I'm sure there's a ton of articles on the Internet or books about writing them. Maybe it's just the kind of thing that takes practice.

In my own news, I started writing a script for Les Miserables--I decided not to worry too much about how long it is, my train of thought being something like: "Well, if people can watch the Titanic sink for three hours, then they can certainly watch this!"

What happpened with Dr Faustus?

Oh, nothing's happened to it--I'm just waiting a little bit before I edit it again, so I can see it with fresh eyes. I'll probably open it again in a few days.

Ok just to bring anyone interested upto date. Last Stand is going through a major rewrite, reasons been that it was badly written. Constructive critisism from those in the know have shown me where i went wrong and made some very sensible suggestions on putting it right. Version Three Draft One is underway and when i get time i will hopefully get it finished, work keeps getting in the way though. Ah well.

Keep writing peeps

Davey

Is there anything that I could help with?
It seems like you're taking it pretty positively--good for you! Like I said before, it's a great quality to be able to see flaws in your work. I hope you're able to find time to write!

Sorry its been a couple of days but i been at work. The things we have to do Eh?

Thanks for our offer of help, i really do appreciate it but asking anyone to go through a hundred and forty pages of my drivel checking ofr spelling and punctuation mistakes would be like asking them to sell their soul to satan. A hundred years of pain and boredom would only, eventually, give way to a purgatory of pain and frustration and lets face it, thats what marrige is for, added to the fact that i would not wish to endanger your innocence with my dark and sordid mind and the way that it works. There is also the cultural barrier, My main charecter is a big bold Yorkshireman (for reserch i reccommend An american warewolf in london and The Full Monty followed by a marathon of Brassed off and the all time classic with Alan Rickman and Josh Harnett "Blow Dry" which was filmed in the very town in which i am sat), Culturally it would be a nightmare as you are from somewhere in the united states and are probably not even aware that in the UK we have our own cultural neiuences (spelt wrong sorry) such as martial arts, Ecky Thump in Yorkshire and UpYou in Scotland for example. If you wish to explore my wonderful part of the world further, may i recommend for your listening pleasure finding a copy of Ilkley Moor by Tat, it is .... differerent. Ah well back to the grind.

Laters

Davey

You're right, I haven't really heard of any of that. Oh, well, at least you're finding time to write. Best of luck!

Ok just to bring you up to date, again. Major Rewrite. Finished. Inroductory letter. Done. Logline and Synopsis. Done. Envolopes bought and stamps paid for. Yes. Last Stand is now on it's way to The BBC. I will let you know what happens. If you are interested here are the Logline and Synopsis.

Cheers

Davey

“LAST STAND” is a character driven stand up comedy drama. With the heart of Funny Bones and believable characters it mixes the overpowering popularity of stand up comedy with a modernised Ealing like story of everyday people.

ADRIAN LAMB the country’s best loved comedian receives a standing ovation at the end of his hit West End show. Returning to his hotel he enjoys the numerous rewards of his celebrity status. Meanwhile BEAR, a struggling middle aged Northern comic, is having a standard gig. He plays a noise filled club, is underpaid his fee, beaten up in the car park and offered business before returning home to his long suffering and loving wife SUSAN. On Monday morning as Adrian’s murder is reported Bear returns to his daily routine of working with his best mate BOB and driving a breakdown truck. In London a live television variety show designed to cement the merger between two production companies is put at risk. A new comedian for a segment of the show must be found and Bear’s name somehow finds itself at the top of the list.

ELLIS a struggling executive, whose personal life is falling apart is charged with hiring the reluctant Bear. With the orders of the very senior MR BRADLEY and undermined at every turn by the weasel like TAYLOR she visits Bear only to end up travelling to Scotland to enlist the help of COMEDIAN. A man excommunicated from the comedy world many years ago. There are only five days until the show and with pressure from CLAIRE, Bear’s daughter and Comedian’s agreement to train him, Bear finally agrees to perform.

Arriving in London the day before the show, a now jobless Bear cannot even rehearse and spends the next 24 hours avoiding all responsibility. As he is due to go on stage the plans of Mr Bradley and Taylor are revealed and the reason for Bear being hired is made clear. However Comedian and Mr Bradley go back many years and Comedian is determined to scupper his plans. As Bear moves on to the stage he knows that not only must he win over the audience for himself, but he must also win them over for his friends and his family.

I'm sorry that I didn't read this earlier! Christmas snuck up on me this year, and it's been a flurry of finding presents and making gingerbread. Happy Holidays, by the way, whatever you celebrate!

That said, congratulations on getting everything done! You must write really quickly, even with work going on.

This looks really good, and it seems like you've put a lot of thought into background and character development--something that's sadly missing from a lot of films. I hope the BBC like it! :)

I finished my script of Les Miserables a few days ago--the story really moves quickly once you get to the barricades. I'm quite pleased with how it turned out, although I've still got a lot of editing to do!

Okay, so, since its been - oh, since last year!!- looks like I have some major congratulating to do!!

First off, Davey18, that is SO AWESOME that you're not only finished with your script but already sending it out on submission!!!! That takes a lot of time and a lot of bravery - so good for you!!!

And Jamie, YAY!! I cannot imagine the undertaking of converting Les Miz and you've managed to see it through!? Too cool! And, that's fantastic that you're happy with it, too! :D Congrats!!!!!

Thanks! I really am quite pleased with it, and I'm done with the second draft--I managed to cut three pages from the my first script. That's pretty good, considering how much material I wanted to keep.

Wow - already done with the second draft? That's amazing! And yeah, three pages is a lot in a script - so good for you!

I was so happy because I had gotten my script down to like, 117 or something, but then had to rewrite some stuff and then found myself at 129 pages! But, by taking out a few things here and there I'm getting it down again to a lower page count. Not the easiest thing to do though...

I know! I'm usually torn between fear of my story being too long, and having to cram everything in, or having it be too short and not enough story for a full movie. A fine line....

It really is, isn't it?
Then, I think one of the hardest things is, after you've re-re-re-rewritten it, to know what's still "coming across" and what's not, because you're so close to it by that point.

That's right--I try to leave something alone for a month or two before I look at it again. I keep trying to get my family to read it, but they're quite busy and I don't want to bother them. Oh well.

I *so* know what you mean about getting family to read through scripts!

I'm very lucky in that both my mom and sister write, so I've got two great eyes to look through them - and they will if I ask, they're very nice about it. But, I know it takes so much time so I'm always hesitant to ask them...

And then there are things when the technology goes wrong! I've tried to send my script to a friend, and it turned out the file didn't work on her computer. That's cool that you've got some writers in your family!

Yeah, I'm very lucky!!!!

But that's such a good point about the files... I'm not the most computer savvy person, so I typically take forever to figure stuff like that out (if I do at all).
I'm using the Movie Magic software (which I really should update soon! lol!) and I think the only way I can convert it for someone else is if I save it as a PDF... but, then they can't make changes within the text I don't think....

Does your software work well? I just type my stuff up on Word and try to make it have screenplay-ish margins.

Lida and Jamie wrote: "Does your software work well? I just type my stuff up on Word and try to make it have screenplay-ish margins."

Final Draft and Movie Magic are the top screenwriting products on the market (see http://www.writersstore.com/). Instead of Word you may want to try Celtx, which is a free screenwriting program. http://celtx.com/ I've never used it but have heard that it is better than Word.

Hm, thanks! I'll have to look in on those. Not sure if I trust free stuff off the internet, but who knows?

A look of people on a budget or novices who aren't exactly sure they want to blow a lot of money on screenwriting software have used Celtx. It has been around for a long time and is quite reputable, no need to worry.

Thanks, maybe I'll take a chance. Have you ever posted on here before?

No, I've just joined GR recently and have been reading some of the discussions but have never posted anything (I wanted to get a feel for how the interactions went). I find the discussion format a little weird because sometimes there are tons of different threads in a single discussion and it gets a bit confusing. It's sort of like reading a stream of consciousness... but anyways I've started to chime in more and more.

Yeah, we've kind of gone off in different directions; sorry if we've been confusing! So, do you have any scripts you're working on?

I've been working on a spec Big Bang Theory to turn in for the NBC and Disney/ABC writing programs (June 30).

http://www.nbcunicareers.com/earlycar...
http://www.abctalentdevelopment.com/p...

How is your Les Miserables coming?

Oh, that's cool! I've never really watched the show, but I do like nerds--being a bit of one myself.

I think it's going really well! I've finished the second draft, and I've got some friends reading it, and hopefully I'll get some feedback from them.

Lida and Jamie wrote: "Does your software work well? I just type my stuff up on Word and try to make it have screenplay-ish margins."

Wow, I realize I never replied to this - sorry!!! Short answer is yes, I do like the MovieMagic software I have. I don't use any of the features except the actually formatting.
What I really like is that it stores all the character names and kind of keeps track of who is talking in a scene, so you only have to type the first few letters of their name and the program fills in the rest.

Lida and Jamie wrote: "Oh, that's cool! I've never really watched the show, but I do like nerds--being a bit of one myself.

I think it's going really well! I've finished the second draft, and I've got some friends rea..."

Did you ever get feedback? I hope it was all positive and helpful! :D Feedback is always a little scary for me...

New to Goodreads and this group. My novel, which is to be published soon by Harlequin, has received a positive feedback from a NY production co. Looking for a possible collaboration on a TV movie/series screenplay. Thanks so much. Best, Gary

Gary wrote: "New to Goodreads and this group. My novel, which is to be published soon by Harlequin, has received a positive feedback from a NY production co. Looking for a possible collaboration on a TV movie/s..."

Congratulations, Gary. So you will be co-writing this? Who do you think the producers will pair you up with?

Heidi wrote: "Gary wrote: "New to Goodreads and this group. My novel, which is to be published soon by Harlequin, has received a positive feedback from a NY production co. Looking for a possible collaboration on..."

Thanks Heidi. No the production company love the concept and would like to see a screenplay which they will consider, so I'm looking to do a collaboration of sorts with a screenwriter, although I've got another book to write for my publisher, too. Best, Gary

First time looking into this thread.

Regarding the post of the OP: my first remark is that it's impossible to consider any script as professionally written or submitted if presented on a website such as Goodreads. All the industry-standard page formatting is lost.

So even trying to read the horror script she linked us to on her Goodreads profile is an almost pointless exercise. It requires the reader to forego 3/4th of the criteria upon which we can assess her effort.

I can only offer a really meager reaction from what I can take in with just a glance at the verbiage (if I squint my eyes shut to ignore the lack of formatting). What I see is the usual problem with early scripts--overwriting. Its far too wordy.

Screenplays are difficult to write for precisely this reason: word economy. You can't include thick blocks of explanatory, expository, text. At all. Ever. Convey the tale through dialog and action. That's it.

I'll look at any other writing sample anyone wants me to, bearing in mind what I mention above about web-page formatting vs script formatting.

Here's an example of a terribly written beginner's screenplay.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/...

90% of all amateur scripts submitted to Hollywood look exactly like this. So if your script doesn't even look this competent, then you're grappling with even more fundamental problems than this guy has mastered. But he's obviously got a whole slew of other issues plaguing him.