Books Via Ashley discussion

Feel free to answer all or only some of the questions below!

You may also post your own discussion points/questions.


1) How has your understanding of vulnerability changed?

2) What is one aspect of your life where you recognized these patterns of shame vs vulnerability?

3) What are tactics you’ve used in your life to combat shame/perfectionism/etc?

4) What’s an instance in your life where you’ve seen someone else vulnerable? How did you feel about them being open?

5) What do you and those around you gain when you choose to “dare greatly” and be vulnerable?

1) How has your understanding of vulnerability changed?

My understanding of vulnerability has changed a great deal. Brene Brown covers it well in the first chapter, as she discusses that being vulnerable doesn’t mean that you are weak, which for me, was exactly what thought, for even the word “vulnerable” has a negative context in this day in age. So for Brene Brown to suddenly be discussing why it’s good to be vulnerable was very strange. I was taken aback by such claims and found myself debating whether I wanted to finish the book or not, but I stuck with it and I’m glad that I did. It’s one of those books that you didn’t think you needed to read, but do. So, getting back to vulnerability....
The idea of embracing vulnerability makes me want to take a step back, put my hands up in front of me like a shield and go “Whoa, let’s think about this.” Yet Brene Brown is correct in that looking at, for example, my relationship with my husband, it is only because I had the courage to be vulnerable, to open up those aspects of myself that my little internal gremlins are like “no one will love you if you tell/show him that side of you”, that I was able to have such a deep and personal connection. Being able to embrace vulnerability isn’t my no means easy, but it’s a way to make those impactful connections, and allows us to be genuine with ourselves. Brene Brown did a great example where she talked about her fear of public speaking, of being vulnerable, to a group of complete strangers, but how when she’s in the audience, she has a great respect and likability to the speakers who show vulnerability, and are able to be genuine. I think we are so quick to fear our vulnerability, to show others our “weaknesses”, and aided by our inner gremlins, they make easy work of it, but if we embrace vulnerability and view it as an opportunity to make meaningful connections (which we all crave), then it just may be worth it. :)

3) What are tactics you’ve used in your life to combat shame/perfectionism/etc?

Now, I haven’t finished the book yet (just started chapter seven), so I don’t know if Brene Brown gives us any last little bits of advice for positive tactics to combat shame/perfectionism, etc… or recaps that information, but I’m aware of negative tactics I’ve used! Well, as they say “admitting is the first step to recovery”, right? Whenever I’ve felt shame and all of the accompanying feeling that go with it, I disengage – from everything and everyone. I become apathetic, and put a wall of protection up around myself, I grow silent, sometimes moody, and I deaden every emotion I have. It’s almost like, if I don’t feel it, I can’t be hurt by it mentality. It’s very frustrating to those around me who care and want to help, and it’s actually something I’ve been working on not doing since my mid-twenties. The key for me, is being extremely aware of how my feeling are affecting my behaviour. The next step, is allowing myself to be vulnerable and disclose to someone I trust the down-low – this step is insanely hard for me to do. I’m not someone who discloses their feeling, good or bad, willy-nilly, I mean, just check out my Facebook page! I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve, but safety tucked away under a Kevlar vest, and the hardest emotions for me to share, are the negative ones; the ones belonging to shame. The final part, which is truly dealing with the shame and eventually healing, are harder for me. I don’t really have any tactics for this bit. I’ve shared my shame, felt the feelings associated with it, I believe that I’ve dealt with the issue, and then the feelings of shame crop up (a few days/week/months later) like a bad penny, and I’m back to going through the whole process over again. So, I believe I’ve got a pretty good handle on the first half of the tactics, it’s just the last bit that has been the most difficult.

Ashley, I'm interested in your thoughts to these questions as well :)

Carrisa wrote: "1) How has your understanding of vulnerability changed?

My understanding of vulnerability has changed a great deal. Brene Brown covers it well in the first chapter, as she discusses that being vul..."

I also thought this was a difficult book to read, not because of the language or concepts, but because as you were reading it you HAD to look inward and see how all these things you were talking about applied to you. And Brené Brown is right... Vulnerability IS uncomfortable but so so necessary. I also found myself thinking of my closest relationships, like with my husband, and I know its exactly because I can be 100% myself with him (and vice-versa) that we are so close.
I had already had an idea that being open about hard things in life was good and cathartic, but Brown helped me see the details, the different varieties of vulnerability, and WHY it is so important.

4) What’s an instance in your life where you’ve seen someone else vulnerable? How did you feel about them being open?

I didn't realize it at the time, but my mom was an amazing example of Wholehearted parenting. I remember her very early on teaching me to know that I was enough and loved and valued for who I was. I know she had struggled a lot with that during her life but she managed to pass that confidence and vulnerability on to me and my sister. I remember her sitting with me, just like Brown sat with her daughter, sharing her mistakes and vulnerabilities, and it allowed me to feel so much closer and not alone. It really hasn't been until now, as an adult, and reading this book, that I can truly appreciate what she did as a mom, and I'm glad to have that awareness before I have kids.

2) What is one aspect of your life where you recognized these patterns of shame vs vulnerability?

Recently I was in a toxic situation and a very stressful time in my life, and reading this book made me understand and name all these emotions I've been feeling as a result from it. I definitely suffer from being a perfectionist and I've seen shame, rather than guilt, in my head, dragging me down. I worry about what people think and feel like a bad person.

There were a few times reading this book that I had to stop and put it down and cry because what she was talking about hit me so powerfully. I'm glad I'm able to recognize these emotions for what they are, but moving through them is so difficult. But recognition is the first step and I definitely feel more able and better equipped to tackle these emotions head on.

Carrisa wrote: "3) What are tactics you’ve used in your life to combat shame/perfectionism/etc?

Now, I haven’t finished the book yet (just started chapter seven), so I don’t know if Brene Brown gives us any last ..."

I also tend to disengage and become apathetic. But I've also learned that sometimes, after the shock of the feeling, I need a moment to step back before becoming fully engaged. I hope over time to shorten the time needed where I have to disengage before I'm ready to jump back in. I know I need much less time now than I used to.

On page 132, she talks about "mindfulness", or being aware of your feelings but not dwelling in them. Then on page 142 she talks about ways to combat numbing, which is pushing away those negative feelings and pretending they aren't there. I've come to realize over the years, and then confirmed in this book, is the importance of feeling your emotions, and then passing through them and moving on. Burying these emotions doesn't do any good, nor does dwelling in them in a downward spiral. We need to acknowledge, feel, and then learn and move on.

Another truth that I've come to realize, and was also confirmed in this book, is the power of understanding your own boundaries and the power of saying NO. On page 142 she says "reducing anxiety meant paying attention to how much they could do and how much was too much, and learning how to say, 'Enough.'" This is something I have struggled with my WHOLE life and have only really gotten a grasp on it the last few. I've learned it's okay to say "no", that I don't have to please everyone, that putting my own mental and physical health--and that of my family's--first is more important. I like how she outlined ways of dealing with stress and anxiety and what is healthy and what is not.

And finally, Brown spends a couple chapters talking about the "world's" expectations, for men and for women and as a winner/loser dichotomy and as a scarcity culture where we never have enough, and how all of those contribute to shame. Just seeing them laid bare helps me when I feel shame. I can now stop and think "I am feeling shame" and then "Why?" and then I can identify the factors contributing to it and know how to overcome it. It's so interesting how we are blind to these messages that are wound around our society and culture, and how being made aware of them you suddenly seem them everywhere.

Ashley wrote: "I also thought this was a difficult book to read, not because of the language or concepts, but "

Yes, the language and concepts wasn't the difficult part of the book, but the internal stuff. Once I finished the book, I could definitely see myself re-reading it. There is so much information and substance, that it would be impossible to soak it all up in the first reading.

Ashley wrote: "I didn't realize it at the time, but my mom was an amazing example of Wholehearted parenting..."

How wonderful to have had that example! I loved those scenes of Brene Brown with her daughter. I don’t think it’s great to, as a parent, be constantly right (even when they know they are wrong), and never show any weakness with their children. I believe in showing that this whole thing called life is one big learning curve. Powerful parenting, to me, is sharing examples with your kids of your mistakes, showing vulnerabilities, and not being of afraid of saying “I’m sorry I made a mistake”.

Ashley wrote: "I also tend to disengage and become apathetic..."

I've also struggled with saying "No", but only ever at work. I've always had this idea that I need to appease my co-workers/managers, putting their needs above my own because saying "no" leaves me feeling guilty - even if I honesty couldn't cover their shift because of a prior engagement - it's insane. So I also loved that part of the book because I have been, and continue to be, working on saying "no" and it's making me feel less guilty every time.