YA LGBT Books discussion

Hello!

I was hoping to get some assistance with anyone willing to look over my synopsis for my manuscript. I am posting it to this query. Any suggestions on what I can improve to grab your attention? If not, is it good in its current form? Too lengthy? Also, if you'd prefer discuss this privately or offer help in synopsis building, leave a message and I can contact you.

Any assistance would be greatly appreciated!

SYNOPSIS - When the Stars Fall Away (EDITED)

Seventeen-year-old goalie SEBASTIAN HUGHES is confused about what to do with his future. He hasn’t come out to his family, has no idea what to do after graduation, and he’s directionless without his friends. But he knows he’s good at one thing—soccer. To earn a scholarship and get to the pros, Sebastian has to turn his rough-around-the-edges teammates into winners but only has thirty days at summer training camp to help them improve.

When he arrives at camp, Sebastian is shocked to see his estranged best friend EMIR, who holds an unknown grudge against him. After star defenseman, WILLIE, is injured, Sebastian has to help Emir improve to protect the team’s future. Emir’s resistance turns their secret training sessions turn into arguments. But Sebastian is determined, and convinces Emir to trust him after appealing to Emir’s desire to impress his father.

Sebastian strives to maintain his friendships, especially with star player MASON, who distrusts Emir. The lines of training and romance blur when Sebastian kisses Emir during a practice. Their uneasy friendship grows until a scrimmage game pits Sebastian against Mason, who fakes an injury to set-up Emir. Confused and angry, Sebastian seeks out Emir and their frustrations turn into attraction.

Emir opens up about what went ended their friendship: after his family moved to England to care for a sick relative, Emir returned to Sebastian with new friends. His hurt over the betrayal, along with his crippling introvert personality, prevented Emir from moving on.

After mending his friendship with Mason over a bonfire and talks with Willie, Sebastian realizes his future plans now include Emir and moving to New York following graduation. Witnessing Willie develop a relationship with another player makes Sebastian hopeful about his own situation. Sebastian breaks curfew to take Emir on a date and decides to slowly integrate Emir into his friendships.

When Emir begins to open up to the team, Sebastian’s near physical altercation with a teammate over Emir’s place amongst them creates a strain that closes Emir off to Sebastian again.

Still doubtful of his future, Sebastian is named team captain, admits his feelings for Emir to his friends, and finally comes out to his family. His mom encourages him to pursue Emir, but Sebastian’s focus is on the team’s big rematch with their rivals.

The team bands together after opposing players taunt Emir. With the score deadlocked, Sebastian makes a risky decision on a play that earns Emir the respect of his teammates and father after they score a point. Bloomington High pulls out the victory in the second half.

While the team celebrates, Sebastian sets out to win Emir back. Quietly confessing their love on a candlelit field, Sebastian and Emir finalize plans to move to New York after graduation to unanimous support from their teammates.

Definitely too long. If you want someone to read your story it's probably best not to tell them everything that happens in the synopsis.

If this is to send to publishers to explain your story, rather than a blurb to tell potential readers what the rough outline is it's still too long.

After a few paragraphs I just skim read the rest of it, so someone who is looking through hundreds of these are definitely going to lose interest.

The first paragraph is good, everything else should be condensed into one or at a push two more paragraphs.

For example, is this really needed? - Emir opens up about what went ended their friendship: after his family moved to England to care for a sick relative, Emir returned to Sebastian with new friends. His hurt over the betrayal, along with his crippling introvert personality, prevented Emir from moving on.- Or could you just say something a long the lines of 'Emir opens up about his past'

Thank you Carrie-Anne! This synopsis is to submit to a publisher so I was attempting to give them a full scope of the story but I can definitely condense that paragraph you listed and possibly a few others.

Carrie-Anne wrote: "Definitely too long. If you want someone to read your story it's probably best not to tell them everything that happens in the synopsis.

If this is to send to publishers to explain your story, ra..."

This is 100+ words shorter but since it's for the publisher, I didn't know HOW short to go without losing some of the appeal? How is this?

Seventeen-year-old goalie SEBASTIAN HUGHES is confused about what to do with his future. He hasn’t come out to his family, has no idea what to do after graduation, and he’s directionless without his friends. But he knows he’s great at one thing—soccer. To earn a scholarship and get to the pros, Sebastian has to turn his rough-around-the-edges teammates into winners but only has thirty days at summer training camp to help them improve.

Sebastian is shocked to see his estranged best friend EMIR, who holds an unknown grudge, at camp. After star defenseman, WILLIE, is injured, Sebastian decides to help Emir improve to protect the team’s future. Emir is resistant until Sebastian appeals to Emir’s desire to impress his father and Emir eventually opens up about his introvert personality preventing him from making new friends.

Their uneasy friendship grows into a romance after secret training sessions allow them to face their past and they share a brief kiss. Friction with Sebastian’s friends occurs when star attacker MASON, who distrusts Emir, fakes an injury to force blame on Emir. The romance distracts Sebastian from the team’s goal―defeating their hometown rivals―but when Emir helps him through a personal downfall, Sebastian sees his future including Emir and living in New York.

After mending issues with Mason, Sebastian pursues Emir eagerly until an explosive altercation between Sebastian and a teammate over Emir’s place amongst them brings doubt to his leadership abilities. Emir closes himself off after assuming Sebastian views him as defenseless. Sebastian regains the trust of the coaches, becomes team captain, but still leaves camp doubtful of his future.

Sebastian eventually comes out as bisexual to his family and is met by support before the big game. The team rallies together but the score is deadlocked after the first half. Sebastian makes a risky decision on a play, earning Emir the respect of his father and teammates after they score, and the team pulls out the victory.

With his friends help, Sebastian pulls together a romantic gesture on the soccer field for Emir and they confess their feelings in front of their friends. Sebastian finalizes his future plans to move to New York with Emir after graduation.