the gauntlet discussion

In which Dan’s fight or flight response is 90% flight, 10% fight.
Inspired by “I See Fire” by Ed Sheeran

The dimly lit candle light danced around in the cold window’s pane, as if it was mocking Dan. Behind him, quite, polite whispers of conversation moved in and around the grand ballroom of his family’s house. The funeral guests, his extended family and friends in their social circles moved about the room, speaking in hushed tones, as if the thought of raising their voices would cause a huge disturbance. In the reflection, the candle continued to mock Dan, dancing around as a breeze moved in and around the room from the open door. The candle dancing in the window pane as if it was celebrating the winners of the Gauntlet.

Dan dropped his gaze from his reflection’s blank stare to look at the floor. His ill-fitting suit making movement constricting, as they hadn’t had time to get a new one before the ceremony. That stupid ceremony that they had to have. Dan clenched his fists into balls, doing his absolute best to keep scream ripping at his throat inside. He forced his eyes shut, squeezing his face muscles as hard as he could. It would go away, he told himself. It would all go away, and then he would wake up, and it would be a bad dream. It had to be. This couldn’t be real.

“Daniel.” The usually deep and strong voice of his father sounded more broken and mournful than Dan could have ever imagined someone being. Dan didn’t move a muscle, but he heard his father move to take a seat on the window’s edge. His father reached out a hand and gently but firmly raised Dan’s chin so he was looking his father in the eyes. His father’s face was apologetic, and had Dan not been so focused on himself, he would have seen that his father’s eyes were watering as soon as he looked at his son’s face. “Dan,” His father said softly, so only Dan could hear him. “He’s gone, son. Jimmy is…gone.”

Dan shook his head, ripping his chin out of his father’s grip. “No.” He said firmly, still trying to keep his tears where they were. “No.” This was not happening. His father placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder, trying to get Dan to look at him. “Daniel, please.” His father said, trying to keep his own voice from wavering. “No!” Dan’s voice breaking, so his shout echoed around the entire room. Heads turned, and sympathetic but judgmental looks were exchanged between different people of his parent’s society friends. “No he’s not!” Dan shouted again, his fists clenched and a tear spilling over and running down his cheek. Dan’s father tried to reach out and grab his son with both hands, but Dan was too quick.

Dan tore out of the room, out onto the back patio where other guests were paying their respects to his mother and other family members. Dan shoved his way to the edge of the crowd and once his feet hit open grass, he took off. He could hear his father shouting after him, but he kept going. He ran as fast as he could, his feet and heart pounding as he let his body carry him towards the trees, and away from people. Mars took a couple steps as if he was about to go after his youngest brother, but his mother put a hand on his shoulder, and shook her head sadly. “Let him be.” She said, her own grief and heartbreak tearing her apart from the inside out. Mars begrudging oblidged, and it wasn’t until the guests began to file out did Mars and Charlie set out to locate Dan.

His parents would apologize for his behavior to their guests as they were leaving, to which the guests all replied. “We understand. He is only ten. It must be so very hard on him.”



~~~~~~~~~~~


Mars and Charlie found Dan exactly where they expected him to be. It had always been Jimmy’s favorite spot in the woods, where someone, generations ago, had planted a perfect circle of trees, so that they formed the perfect place to have sparring matches, make-out sessions(Jimmy’s personal favorite use), or just to sit and talk, as the brothers had often used it for. Mars motioned for Charlie to stop walking as they approached the clearing, as their brother was pacing back and forth, and seemed to be talking to someone.

“Jimmy, this isn’t funny anymore. You can stop playing. I know you’re out there somewhere. Please come out. Mom and Dad are really sad, and they keep acting like you’re never coming back. Jimmy, I know you’re out there. This isn’t funny. I can wait. I’ll stand right here… right here” Dan said, planting his feet in the center of the circle. “until you come back.” Mars and Charlie glanced at each other, each seeing each other’s heart break again.

Mars stepped out into the clearing first. At 16, and now the oldest of the three, Mars knew he had to be strong for both Charlie and Dan. “Dan, hey buddy.” He said softly, approaching Dan from behind. “I’m not leaving Mars.” Dan said, crossing his arms and setting a face, as stubborn ten year olds do. Mars nodded. “I know.” He said, Charlie following him and standing on the other side of Dan. “Can we sit and wait?” He asked, and Dan didn’t answer for a moment, but then gave a firm nod. Each of them sunk to a seated position on the grass, Dan staring straight ahead, Charlie playing with grass, and Mars just looking between the two of them.

Mars didn’t know how long they had been sitting there before Dan hit the ground with his fist. “NO!” He shouted, just like he had earlier at the party. Mars, knowing a tantrum was coming, did the first thing he could think of, and grabbed his brother around the middle and hugged him to himself. “No, no no nono…” Dan kept yelling, but broke down in tears and cried into Mars’ chest. Mars held onto Dan with everything he had left, blinking back his own tears. “I know, I know.” He kept saying, looking over at Charlie, who was staring at the ground, his own tears dropping to hit the grass beneath him. “He’s gone.” Mars said, saying the two words for the first time. “Jimmy is gone. He’s not coming back” he said, Dan’s tears soaking his dress shirt. The three of them were going to have to deal with that. Their brother was gone, and they were still here.

It was a long time before any of them moved from that spot.



---------

~Six Years Later~

It was after Charlie’s funeral, the guests had left, and he and Mars were sitting in the room that, until a year ago, Mars and Charlie had shared. They’d told their parents they were going to bed, but Mars had swiped a bottle of whiskey from the kitchen, and they were passing it back and forth between the two of them. “Dan, I… I don't even know what happened,” Mars said, his eyes bloodshot from crying all day. “He was right there, right. There.” Mars reached out as if to show how close they had been, “I knew it, but there was a group… they’d been after us all year…they tracked us down…” Mars dropped his head into his hands, defeated. There were no tears left in his eyes, and Dan wasn’t sure of what to do, other than to pass him the bottle.

Mars took a swig, passed it back and continued. “I don’t even think they wanted to win, they just, attacked us.” Mars picked his head up and looked at his younger brother. “We fought them off, and Charlie yelled for me to keep going, to escape. ” Mars tried to keep speaking, but his voice refused to work. There was a moment of silence as they passed the bottle back and forth, each taking another swig. “After I finished and didn’t, I went back, and…Dan, they beat him to death. His face was barely his...his throat...they..." Mars took a breath, the image of his brother's lifeless body on the ground burned into his mind's eye forever. Their attackers had broken Charlie's legs, and then beat him to a pulp, a combination of suffocation and punches to the head and torso. "I should’ve been there, I could’ve….” Dan cut Mars off before he went too deep into a spiral. “He told you to go ahead. He would’ve been pissed if you stayed.” Mars nodded and ran a hand through his hair. Dan had a point. If he had stayed behind, Dan might have been drinking this whiskey by himself.

Mars dropped his head into his hands, defeated. There were no tears left for him to cry, but that didn’t stop the sobs from coming. Dan moved over to sit beside Mars on his bed and wrapped his arms around Mars’ shoulders. And just like with Jimmy, they cried with each other for a long time.