it's personal discussion

"There were wolves lying in the dark
As she was raining sparks into the room like that
She was dancing in a neon cave
With a tilted smile and a lover's laugh
Embossed upon her in the darkness
Like a light at the edge of night beside her"
-Song by The Accidental

Welcome to my journal!

♤ Alia
◇ High School Aged
♧ USA (and not happy with the current "leadership")
♡ I love my Goodreads family here and on my main Harry Potter roleplay group!
♡ Even if I say I hate it, I love writing. Writing is breathing.
♡ I also love books, of course.
☆ I am a perfectionist, especially as a student. My personality is a mystery; I have too many personalities.
☆ I play the cello.
☆ I started writing through roleplay but don't do it anymore. I owe my character Corvus Wells for multitudes of A grades and decent writing ability. I have zero self esteem about either of these things.
☆ I value the importance of other people's wellbeing, and enjoy helping them and showing that I care.
☆ I will not accept rude or discriminatory comments on this journal or elsewhere.
☆ I sound more stuck-up than I am. I won't bite, so feel free to get to know me!
☆ I can sometimes fall inactive and disappear because of life, but you can bet that I will come back :)
Note: I stress regularly over grades that aren't actually bad, no matter how much I pretend they are, so just a heads-up. I could care less about anyone else's grades; it's character that counts! just don't see it that way with myself

Anyone is welcome to comment! :)

Okay, if anyone is seeing this, I'm replying to your message tomorrow. I'm too tired now, sorry.

Would y'all mind if I extended my 'hiatus' for another two weeks? This work is leaving me drained, and it's probably not a good idea to get hyped about roleplay when I should be hyped about having new classes and teachers.

" 'Cause we will never be the same…"

-Moving Mountains, Usher

Idek who I'm referring to…

Maybe everyone. Things can't stay the same between two people forever.

I'm just hoping they'll get better instead of worse.

I keep worrying that my paradise won't last.

Nonsense, I tell myself. Of course you won't have to deal with that.

Will I?

I don't understand.

The moment I'm out in the world, I think about how great Goodreads is.

Yet the moment I get on Goodreads, I feel like I need to get back to the world.

Why?

It never used to be like this…

It's not even anyone's fault.

You don't know how amazing something really is…

until it's gone.

I'd do anything to relive my spring break beach vacation, every part of it. Including the Goodreads part. Especially the Goodreads part.

RP, walk on the beach, sleep, repeat… my ideal <3

I'd also love to relive the last week of school…

Even my camp week would be a candidate.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm not alone.

I have my family.

And many of my friends.

Not to mention the other family… :)

Still, though.

I want the past.

I want it back. So, so, so, so badly.

It wouldn't make much sense to most. After all, I'm way less stressed now than I was then.

But last year was the best school year I've ever had in my life.

If not for the election, it would have equaled perfection.

My past self would have been like "what?" So, close to perfection…

I'm just scared.

Scared that this year might not measure up.

Scared that my identity as a writer will be shaken and changed drastically.

Scared that I will always be tailoring my words to my audience to the point where it becomes involuntary, despite the fact that it drains my innocence, my happiness, my resolve to live life to the fullest.

"Be yourself!"

Yeah, right. As the title of my previous journal indicated, I don't know who that is.

It's ironic that I made the past my character's worst enemy when it is the friend I treasure and grasp longingly for eternity.

I got a new tablet case today. I've had my old one for 3+ years and it was slowly turning black with dirt (it was pink).

I still pick up the old case by accident, though, and then I realize that my tablet, my life, is no longer inside.

I think that's a good metaphor for the new year.

My old case was more expensive, and I prefer the design. But it's spent. It's over.

There are some cool features in the new case, just like some things about the new year will just be aesthetically awesome.

Doesn't change the trusted reliability, dependability, stability of the old one.

I'm not throwing away my old case. I'm holding onto it as long as I have room for it.

Same with the past…

For me, if there is no past…

the future is bleak and dull. Always.

I can't move on.

And yet here I am. Drifting off to sleep. Moving on.

Clutching my new case.

Night everyone o/

Alia, can I ask you a question?

Sure, anything :) I can't guarantee I'll be able to answer if it's personal, but I doubt you'd ask anything like that :)