Dragons & Jetpacks discussion

Hello to all of our loyal Dragons and Jetpacks members. Your chance to win a free book has returned!

Mod Roger has been kind enough to sponsor this event where you can win a free book of your choosing (20$ USD limit).

I will begin with fair warning that this contest is likely to get fairly ridiculous.

The general chat thread has produced the idea of doing ridiculous sex/romance scenes for this contest so that is what we are gonna do. Please don't get over vulgar or go for a retelling of the Aristocrats joke. So get your creative juices flowing and win yourself a free book!

This one is going to really change our view of each other guys ;-)

I have a feeling that many many bad puns could fit into this. Like the sheathing of "swords" or something regarding blaster "pistols". It will be glorious. I'll give bonus points to whoever fits the most horrible puns into their entry lol

woop!

I did have to look up the aristocrats joke though!

Oooo, this could get saucy.

I don't even know where to begin.

*gets popcorn, watches*

Are we going for ridiculous or realistic?

Audrey wrote: "Are we going for ridiculous or realistic?"
very good question :)

i suppose realistic depends on the readers experience, i put something togther in a few minutes in another thread (that 100% certainly has never happened to me) that was both

also is this the thread i shold be posting in? or is he comp opening shortly? (i tihnk this may be me being thick so apologies)

Cody wrote: "Audrey wrote: "Are we going for ridiculous or realistic?"
very good question :)

i suppose realistic depends on the readers experience, i put something togther in a few minutes in another thread (..."

I think this is the official thread. You should copy and paste your entry here. I haven't seen any contributions yet, and I'm stumped.

ah i was waiting lol :P i am too thoroughly unorganised to have started earlier :P

I eagerly await this. No need for spoiler tags etc here as long as it's not too vulgar. There is no way this contest is gonna happen without things getting uncomfortable so don't worry to much. We are all adults. As long as everything is technically legal I see no problems. No Tijuana donkey shows or anything like that.

I think someone is going to have to break the naughty ice before everyone feels comfortable adding stories. No one wants to be the first pervert. :P

It's allllll you Hybrid.

sir Lancer wrote: "It's allllll you Hybrid."

Ha! We'll see about that. Maybe this weekend when I have enough time to sit down and come up with something. ;)

Ok, here's my first attempt!

The rain and sleet lashed against the shutters of the windows, but the blazing apple branches and oak logs in the fireplace kept the chill at bay.
Shrugging his leather cape to the floor, Ardan removed his jerkin and unbuckled his sword belt. Propping his sword in the corner by the door, Ardan girded his loins, and turning, with his tool grasped in his right hand, looked questioningly at Venna.
She'd been waiting for this all day. Venna stepped forward and grasped his wood, “It's really stiff!” she exclaimed.
“I wouldn't let you have it any other way, girl” Ardan growled.
Venna eyed the length, “I'm not sure it'll fit, though.”
“You let me worry about that,” Ardan waggled his tool at her, “Just show me where you want it.”
Venna bent lower, her hair falling over her face, with her hands still on Ardan's wood and braced herself, “I'm ready.”
It was difficult at first, and Ardan gritted his teeth, straining to push all the way forward, the muscles standing out across his bare back and bulging on his arms as he supported his weight and pushed. Venna grunted, bracing herself, leaning down more, whilst pushing back against Ardan's movement, struggling to remain in place.
Eventually it became easier to move, and Ardan slid back and forth with slow even strokes, sweat beading on his brow. Venna's eyes sparkled with delight and she smiled at him through the curtain of her auburn tresses. Towards the middle Ardan had picked up the pace, but only briefly as it quickly got too tight around his tool, and Venna clearly couldn't hold on. At last, with a final effort they finished.
Ardan's wood had succumbed completely and was now much shorter. Venna was sore from bracing herself against the vigorous thrusting of his mighty tool.
Picking his wood off the floor, Ardan turned to Venna and said “Shall we have a cuppa before I hang this shelf then?”

Awesome.

Brilliant. Very cheeky

Is it wrong that I read that whole thing in my mind using Zapp Brannigan's voice. I think will read all of the entries in his voice.

I showed the story to my wife, she said that "putting up a shelf" should be a new euphemism for having "the sex".

Thanks Audrey and Paul for your very kind comments. I like to write but get antsy if I have to share.
Lancer, I like Zapp too. I like how he refers to himself in the third person and tacks on "you magnificent bastard". lol

sir Lancer wrote: "Is it wrong that I read that whole thing in my mind using Zapp Brannigan's voice. I think will read all of the entries in his voice."

Erm...I just re-read my post, and now I'm hearing Zapp too!

I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's law, I merely enforce it.

sir Lancer wrote: "I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's law, I merely enforce it."

Hahaa!

When does the contest end? I keep obsessively checking the thread, but I'm the only degenerate sex-pervert posting here so far.

I have an idea for one; coming soon. I don't know if I can beat Scott's masterpiece, though.

Audrey wrote: "I have an idea for one; coming soon. I don't know if I can beat Scott's masterpiece, though."

Oh, stop - unless...wait...is your sex scene you buttering me up?

Audrey slathered butter all over Scott's rear, Scott groaned in anticipation of the pain to come.
"This is what you get for trying to use the kiddie swings!" Audrey yelled and with a "pop" managed to finally pull Scott free.

Um ... I have no words.

Scott wrote: "Audrey wrote: "I have an idea for one; coming soon. I don't know if I can beat Scott's masterpiece, though."

Oh, stop - unless...wait...is your sex scene you buttering me up?

Audrey slathered but..."

oh boo hiss!!! lol

I don't know if this is degenerate enough, but here we go.
==========================================

Dave walked into the bedroom with a big grin on his face. “The kids are asleep! You know what that means?”

Emily was sitting on the bed. She smiled. “Peace at last.” She reached over for her copy of Oathbringer.

Dave looked disappointed. “Can we, you know?”

Emily sighed. “Let me know when you’re done.” She continued reading while Dave mounted her and tried to excite her. “Oh, my! Wow! Unbelievable!” she cried. Dave finished and collapsed next to her. “This book is incredible,” she sighed.

Scott wrote: "Audrey wrote: "I have an idea for one; coming soon. I don't know if I can beat Scott's masterpiece, though."

Oh, stop - unless...wait...is your sex scene you buttering me up?

Audrey slathered but..."

hahahah

Ahahaha! Audrey I LOVE it!

Nice Audrey

Scott wrote: "I showed the story to my wife, she said that "putting up a shelf" should be a new euphemism for having "the sex"."

Wait. I'm confused. Did they actually hang a shelf? Or have sex?
Sigh. My poor husband.

I'm gonna assume they did both simultaneously

Well you can take from it what you feel like, but my original intent was to make it sound like they were having lots and lots of the pumpy-rumpy - er, I mean rumpy pumpy - but end up with it just being an "in your end-o" after all.

So they hung a shelf

Well, no, they cut some wood for a shelf to length with Ardan's impressive tool.

I've been doing a lot of DIY with my wife recently (installing a kitchen and generally decorating a whole house), so I guess it just er...came naturally.

This thread is hilarious....

I've tried a couple of stories but I'm just not a writer lol.

Hybrid Creature (devours books instead of brains) wrote: "I've tried a couple of stories but I'm just not a writer lol."

You should give it a whirl Hybrid, Audrey and I can't be the only people dirtying our laundry in public!

Hybrid Creature (devours books instead of brains) wrote: "I've tried a couple of stories but I'm just not a writer lol."

It comes easier if you TRY writing badly.

Audrey wrote: "Hybrid Creature (devours books instead of brains) wrote: "I've tried a couple of stories but I'm just not a writer lol."

It comes easier if you TRY writing badly."

And if that doesn't work, try putting on some Barry White and drinking a glass of wine...

or go look at this

https://www.theguardian.com/books/201...

Wayland wrote: "or go look at this

https://www.theguardian.com/books/201..."

Yeesh! Some of those were not only bad, but were so poorly written that I felt I should be bleeding from the eyes after reading them!

Well found Wayland, surely you should start prefacing these links with medical warnings!

Anyone else going to participate? I say give it another week or so and then pick? Hopefully more people will chime in by then.

Mornings are for coffee and contemplation. Thus, this happened:

He smelled of musk and sandalwood. His golden lion's mane was tucked into a knot at the nape of his neck. His sky blue eyes pierced her soul like darts pierce the gaming board at a bar. He had the physique of a chiseled Greek god and his aura dripped sex like a pheromone waterfall. When he looked at her, her ovaries squealed in delight. She would do anything he requested including becoming his broodmare.

Extra points for using the word chiseled. But then you lose them again because it's not referring to a groin :p.

That was actually very good Hybrid.

Lmao. I tried think of every description of men in books that I hate. Sandalwood doesn’t even smell that good!

I'm going to have vivid and scary dreams about squealing ovaries, I just know it.