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[2018, Nov] The Mistral
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After a while she pushes him aside and gets up. Observing her grotesque figure, which smells of agony and anguish. She has planned to leave for the neighboring town five hours of drive away, and figure out her life again as she has no where else to go. But she stands still unsure if any distance or new life can actually end her suffering.
She was definitely sure that the time she heard those chimes at midnight, a long day of her existence was over. And another awaited her. But neither of them promised her any salvation, this she knew for sure.
Numb, she slowly moves towards the bathroom sink and washes her face. Dresses up over her bloodied body. The stains all over her still visible. She grabs the keys and drives away in her dad's Chevrolet. Leaving behind everything. A part of herself too along with it.
She is driving aimlessly. Unaware of her destination. Tears flowing down her eyes. Her chest pounding with pain. Heart racing faster, mind dizzy, as the memories unfold. 'Her soft and gentle mother playing with her. Father, throwing her up in the air and catching as she fell in air. Then the horrid ones. Taking over her. Like a piercing pain in her chest with a heavy weight. Puncturing her heart deeper with sharp apices of anguish.'
She runs her hand along the nape of her neck and feels the blood. And knows that it'll never really leave her. She can go as far as she wishes but she can never truly run away from it. She is what she is. And she has finally accepted it. Her foot gets heavier against the accelerator. The lifelessness on the highway, taking her away slowly, as the car rushes through it. And she closes her eyes gradually to silence away everything.
Few minutes later...she is lying in the completely destroyed car, against the tree which stands as steadfast as ever. Blood is oozing all over her body. Only this time it is her own. Her eyes are open now. She can feel her organs losing function and her bones shattered. Ironically the anguish in mind still outweighs the physical inflictions of the wounds. She is losing herself now. Her breaths are getting shallower. Heart beats losing their rhythm. The sirens of ambulance can be heard far away but she knows that she'll be gone by the time it arrives.
A long night was over. It was like a dream dreamt. A nightmare lasting more than reality. And another day was awaiting her. But she expected no salvation there too. She was Mistral Neil Patrick. Like Mistral, the cold Mediterranean wind, rough and void of any love or compassion for it. Just like her life. Going away with the coldness and innocence the world never deserved...
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“The pleasure suffusing her body called for darkness. The darkness was pure, perfect, thoughtless, vision less; that darkness was without end, without borders; that darkness was the infinite we each carry within us.”
-The unbearable lightness of being.
'Life is perfect. The Sun dawns upon the Earth each day like it has been since millions of years. The wind; either steady or turbulent, stays like it always has. The cells of the body metabolize periodically. The lungs inflate and deflate healthily. The heart is seized involuntarily and released anon. The brain innervates as usual. Birds chirp in morning as their voice resonates in ears, trapped there, like chiming bell in a church, haunted for eternity. The rusty orange leaves fall off each moment as fate is finished with them. Waking up in morning, clueless of your subsistence, and surviving through the day, it is all completely fine. Sometimes you have to do stuff you aren't supposed to do, and you can't tell it to anyone. But it's alright. There are a lot of things in your life that you are bound to deal with yourself. That's Life. And life is perfect...'
"Mis! Come on, everyone is waiting for you," Ayla shouts as she bursts in the room.
"Just a minute Ayla," she replies as she is jolted back to reality. She stops jotting down random thoughts. Writing has been a means of catharsis for her ever since she discovered it three years ago. She needed to calm herself down today and writing did the trick again.
Today is her sixteenth birthday.
She leaves the room to join the party.
She didn't have best friends. Never had got close to anyone. As if her quintessence repelled all ideas of intimacy at any level and even if someone tried to get closer to her, all efforts ricocheted off her conscience. Seeking normalcy she had learned to fake her feelings. That way she had garnered quite a bunch of friends. Ayla was the closest. Perhaps because after years of friendship, she had accepted that Mis was a different breed altogether.
"Happy birthday Mis!" a friend says as she sees her approaching.
"Hey! I am glad you could make it...," she is busy talking with friends when her dad passes by smiling at her. There's something about her dad's smile that has etched an irrevocable mark in her memories. Since years she has been subjected to it now. Especially in the epochs of his unmentionable desires which started after mom was killed by some mobsters for the sake of a few hundred dollars.
But today she feels a reactionary spark in her chest on seeing that smile. Because she is going to fulfill her promise today. And she would miss that smile on his face after it.
"Cut the cake Mis, I can't wait anymore," Ayla says as Mis is beckoned from her memories.
"Huh...oh yes...the cake."
"Yes, the cake! You seem lost tonight," Ayla states her observations.
"Did you make any wish?" Ayla asks her after the cake is cut.
"Yup."
"Cool. What did you wish for?"
"I wished that dad never gets to be with mom after his death."
"What? Stop wishing stupid things and shut up!" She says considering it just a usual mood swing.
After the party she is in her room reading a book. Her dad arrives in the room. He has a wrapped hardcopy in his hand. He puts it on the side table and begins,
"That was a nice party your friends threw up."
"Yeah ," she replies preoccupied in a book.
" It's from your favorite author. I thought I'd get you a signed copy since you love reading so much." And he smiles again in the same manner. Smile isn’t a smile to her anymore. It is a mere indication of her damnation through him in the approaching moments. She still remembers the first time it happened.
She was nine. She used to cry herself to sleep in those days. Her dad, Will, brought her a story book that night. He read it aloud to her as she held on to him for support. But little did she know that after that night, she would want to run away from it as far away as much possible. That night he told her a story. A story of a girl who wanted to be the Queen. She went away in search of her destiny. But during the journey she was lost in a dangerous forest. Never finding her way out of it. Perpetually lost in the wilderness. She thought she'd die in it. And she did. Nothing burns the soul more than the effluvia of burning embers of hope. What was born out of her, whatever was left of her was an obsidian of darkness. After sometime she started living it. Living it so much that she possessed it in the veins and capillaries of her body. In her search for lightness, she ended up being the Queen of darkness.
Mis didn't like the story in the start but later she realized with time that it didn't matter whether she liked it or not but that's how life was going to deal with her. That night as she clung to him for parental comfort, his mind was racing through some other intentions. And she couldn't understand at first when he removed his pants.
"Close your eyes Mis, Papa is just loving you," he whispered in her ear.
Perplexed, she obeyed. But she couldn't have opened them later because the pain that engulfed her entire subsistence shortly after was a sight she'd run away all her life. Her heart stopped in that moment and her lungs ceased to breathe as she felt him piercing between her legs. "But he is my father" was all she could come up with later when she realized what actually happened after many months. A highly prestigious bond of parenthood crucified for the sake of sexual barbarity. Tears flowed down her eyes as she ever so silently endured the sexual abuse by someone she considered her superhero. A savage in guise of a savior.
After that incident, a part of her died. It happened again after a few days. And again. Till it was a daily chore. In silence of the night, it happened and the light from her eyes was seeped out accordingly with time. Sunken deep in sockets, her eyes were a depiction of a human whose heart only beat to pump misery in her veins. She felt betrayed and alone in the world. Mis realized that she too was like the girl in the story. Searching for light but lost in the world's darkness now. She used to wonder how could someone change so much and now she knew the reason. The light inside her vanished. She vowed then, that she would make him suffer in future.
And finally, the time has arrived. It's her sixteenth birthday and she is going to get away from all this darkness once and for all. She has suffered far too long and it's the moment to end that suffering.
As her dad puts the book on side table, he comes closer to her. It's almost midnight. He always comes around midnight.
Being an insurance officer, he usually got free early in the evening but he always arrived back late. It was a blessing for Mis though. The less time she spent in his presence the better it was for her. But some times he spent all day at home. And didn't let her go to school. Those were worst moments for her.
"But they won't be anymore,” she thinks as her father sits beside her for the one last time. Unaware of the fate awaiting him. He takes the book away from her, stopping her from reading further and brings her close to him. She obliges as usual but for this once, her heart isn't filled with dread or hatred of impending pain and horrors as he devours her like a vulture. It's the deep cold void that dominates her this time. Making her sneer instead. Tonight she is the queen of darkness and no other darkness can engulf her tonight. She waits emotionless, her eyes staring at the needle of the clock. It's a few minutes till the clock strikes twelve. While he is feasting upon her, and entering her with pleasure. Completely unaware of the knife hidden beneath her pillow. Yes a knife.
She had thought about it a lot. Even had an idea to run alone. Tried to find some reason or meaning that'd allow her to move on without caring about his fate. But no pleasure in the world could take away her pain, no meaning in life could reason her out of it. No power on the Earth could dominate her desire. And so she ended up with the decision that she can't move on without avenging him. And only killing wasn't enough. She had to butcher him, stab after a stab. The way he had butchered all the innocence out of her. Made her cold, emotionless. Taken away too much of some emotions and left with too much of others.
The chiming bells in a church somewhere far away signal the end of the day and start of a new one. Simultaneously, Mis instinctively grabs the knife placed beneath her pillow. And plunges it forcefully deep into his backbone as he is lying on top of her. Just like he has done it to her. A groan escapes his mouth as he sputters blood all over her chest. Unable to get up he tries to move his hands towards her but she plunges the knife again in his back. Feeling the melancholy as she reminisces the pain she has felt each time he has entered her. And the weight of the vile deed she is committing by doing that to her own father. But judgements are completely clouded in tears running down her eyes as she has suffered enough.