WRITERS' CORNER discussion

"Ugh¨, I thought school would never end", I complained shaking out my long black hair. My perfectly filed nails were painted over with clear nail polish. The shirt I was wearing was a yellow button-up short sleeve t-shirt along with black denim shorts and black converse sneakers.

¨I know right. The last class dragged on. I kept looking back at the clock to see if it moved", said Lizzy.

Darren yawned in boredom, as he got on his bike and did a wheely. ¨Are you guys just gonna stand there and blabber or are we gonna go?¨ Said Darren.

The Buses were pulling out the school and we had our bikes ready, when the last bus left. We took Peach Avenue down ranger road.

¨Cant wait till i get home. I'm gonna play Assassin's Creed", beamed Darren.

¨Yea, if only you put that much effort into your school work like you do with video games", I teased.

Lizzy laughed.

¨Awhh, don't nag me woman", said Darren. "But, your right. I should stop slacking off".

¨So", said Lizzy. "Are we going to Smoothie Robot today?¨

¨Sorry guys, I just remembered. I gotta help my mom paint today, I explained to them¨.


¨Bummer, said Darren¨.

¨Come on, said Lizzy¨.









¨Cant be helped, I'll text you later, I beamed¨. I took the short-cut through South-Side Plaza. When i got there i saw this girl. She looked confused and scared.

¨Hey, are you alright?¨ I asked.

¨She turned to me, and screamed No¨!!!

It sounded like thunder.

Then i heard a huge Snap!

A tree branch was gonna fall ontop of me.

I screamed!!!

When I opened my eyes, the branch split in two. A boy appeared infront of me. His hair was black and he held a sword. He had his back turned to me.

¨Are you alright? He said¨.

¨Who are you¨? I said.

Not important, he said.

But...

Another Crack!

¨Stay out the way and keep safe, said the boy¨.

¨Look, calm down. I'm here to help, he yelled slicing a the incoming rock with his sword. ¨Damn, he thought. Her spirit energy is out of control. I gotta calm her down...and talking isn't working¨.









I rode my bike to the end of the plaza. The girl must have saw me, because before i knew it the pole was falling. I got off my bike and the pole crashed ontop of it.



¨Here's my chance, he thought¨. He pulled something silver out his pocket and ran towards the girl. He didn't want to get that close. He flung it at her and it wrapped around her wrist.

She crumbled to the ground. ¨What did you do to me", said the girl.

¨Its a device that temporarily controls your spirit energy", he said.

I pulled my bike from underneath the pole. It was kinda bent but still ridable. The boy held out his hand to the girl.

¨Please", he said. "Let me help you¨.

The girl slowly gave the boy her hand. He helped her up. I started to leave, when he called out.

¨Hey, what's your name?¨ he asked me.

I hesitated for a second, before speaking. ¨My name's Sair. Sair Hathaway,¨ I answered before riding my bike out the plaza heading for home.

¨Sair, he thought¨.

Nice!!!

(view spoiler)[A couple of suggestions,

' "Ugh, I thought school would never end," I complained shaking out my long black hair. My perfectly filed nails were painted over with clear nail polish...' - the nail part seems a bit random. Perhaps incorporate that into the shaking of the hair?

Otherwise everything is fine, just make the format a bit easier. Like put an asterisk in between POVs instead of separating it with large gaps. And also watch your apostrophes, and 'i's. But that's it! I'm looking forward to reading more!(view spoiler)[ (hide spoiler)] (hide spoiler)]

Eммelιɴe wrote: "Nice!!!

A couple of suggestions,

' "Ugh, I thought school would never end," I complained shaking out my long black hair. My perfectly filed nails were painted over with clear nail polish...' - th..."




Cause people told me they weren't sure if my main character was a girl or guy so I wanted to add more desription.

One question: When is it the right time to use asterisks, cause I'm still kinda off on my grammar I'v been working on it though.

Thanks for reading :3

Asterisks are the little * on the keyboard. Just put them in between the next narrative paragraphs. Or, if it's better do it by chapters. You know, like Saira in one, the boy in the other.

(view spoiler)[ And I just realized it, but make sure you get your narratives straight. You tend to go from first person, to third. An example:

'Here's my chance', he thought. He pulled something silver out his pocket and ran towards the girl. He didn't want to get that close. He flung it at her and it wrapped around her wrist.

She crumbled to the ground. ¨What did you do to me", said the girl.

¨Its a device that temporarily controls your spirit energy", he said.

I pulled my bike from underneath the pole. It was kinda bent but still ridable. The boy held out his hand to the girl.

¨Please", he said. "Let me help you¨.

The girl slowly gave the boy her hand. He helped her up. I started to leave, when he called out.

¨Hey, what's your name?¨ he asked me.

I hesitated for a second, before speaking. ¨My name's Sair. Sair Hathaway,¨ I answered before riding my bike out the plaza heading for home.'(view spoiler)[

You jump from boy, to third, to Sair, to third, to Sair. So just make sure you have your narratives straight. Not only does it help the reader, but it helps the writer.

And you're welcome, I'm glad that you gave me the ability TO read it. This story has some great potential! (hide spoiler)] (hide spoiler)]

Eммelιɴe wrote: "Asterisks are the little * on the keyboard. Just put them in between the next narrative paragraphs. Or, if it's better do it by chapters. You know, like Saira in one, the boy in the other.

And I j..."


I say I for Sair cause Sair is telling the story. I say boy cause I never introduced the characters name yet I also did the same thing for the girl.

The story is suppose to be in first person I'm telling the events through Sair's eyes.

I understand that, I'm just saying that you don't really use she or the girl when you're talking about yourself. It's the same thing for the narrative rules.

'I', is first.

'He', 'she', is third.

Neither is Sair able to read thoughts (or at least I assume so, if she's telepathic forgive my ignorance), so how does she know that the boy thinks 'Sair'?

Eммelιɴe wrote: "I understand that, I'm just saying that you don't really use she or the girl when you're talking about yourself. It's the same thing for the narrative rules.

'I', is first.

'He', 'she', is third...."



Oh, your right I never thought about it like that. My grammar improved from before. That also another reason why people found my story so easy to read cause its right there, straightforward.

"So, if I can't say he thought what can I say?" Cause sometimes the boy thinks in his head but I still wanna let people know what's going on.

Hmmm... well, you could say something like,

(view spoiler)[

"Sair? What an unusual name."

Or "Sair? It's very fitting."

The variants are endless. It could be quizzical or a statement. Or he could prod her to leave, by saying something like:

"Well then Sair, you best be off." (view spoiler)[ (hide spoiler)] (hide spoiler)]

Eммelιɴe wrote: "Hmmm... well, you could say something like,

"Sair? What an unusual name."

Or "Sair? It's very fitting."

The variants are endless. It could be quizzical or a statement. Or he could prod her to l..."


Thanks Emme, I'll remember to edit that later on. :3

I'm glad I could help (and you can call me Emma by the way)!