The Catholic Book Club discussion

If you find an expression, word or syntax that should be improved, please quote it here with the appropriate correction.

I can not think of any.

I Will have tthe chance of reading the book into the original language here i Will not be able very useful ☹.

In Chapter 1, there is a paragraph that begins "During the first day, the base camp was erected . . . ." The third sentence in that paragraph includes a clause "but they still had to perform previous analysis" that doesn't really make sense as it uses a future tense to refer to something in the past. I don't have the original Spanish, but could this be better written: "they still had to perform further analysis" or "they still had to confirm the previous analysis"?

In the same Chapter, when they discover the radio waves and are about to discover their first Serpentine, the third sentence of the paragraph that begins "You are right," is missing a preposition. "Focus on one of the nearest." probably gets what you intended. Also, the second sentence beginning "we must discover," while grammatically correct, sounds a little formal and stilted to my ear. Assuming this is Debemos descubrir "we have to" or "we need to" might flow better without changing the meaning.

Many thanks! I have just made the three changes you suggest.

Sorry about how slow I am in noting these, I am trying to get ready for next month's book. In any case, I noted several along the way and am going back through and adding them. Let me know if you would prefer that I massage these to you.

Chapter 2:
When Adam and Evita are arguing about genocide (xenocide?) of the Serpentines, Adam says "Even though I wanted to do it . . . ." I think what you want here is "Even if I wanted to do it . . . ." "Though" implies that Adam did want to murder the Serpentines which I don't think is meant at that point.

The reference to the Turing test. I think it should be either "the Turing Test," or "Turing's test." Also, I've always thought of that as binary, either the test is passed or not, perhaps something like "would easily pass Turing's test."

Chapter 3: When Israel is battling his twin in the incubator, towards the end after the first assault, "He is to blame, if we've got scarce." should be "He is to blame if we have scarcity"

Thank you! It's OK if you add the other mistakes here.

Chapter 5:

The paragraph beginning "I sleep late." The third sentence is missing a word, perhaps "First I consult with Aron and Ba-Ba about our alliance . . . ."

In the next paragraph, the fourth sentence is missing one or more words. I don't have the Spanish so can't be sure what you intended, but perhaps "I don't intend anyone to discover my secret."

Chapter 6:

When Isha listens to the Serpentines on the radio and reports what the message means, in the lead in to the message "spoken," the past participle, is not correct, it could be the past tense, "spoke," though that sounds a little stilted to my ear. "Said" might work better.

Chapter 8:

When Israel knocks the larger boy unconscious, the paragraph starting: "Being larger than I am":

In the second sentence, the word order in the first clause is off, perhaps something like "I have to thank the old lady director for this;"

In the next sentence, I think I know what you mean, but it doesn't sound right to my ear with my modest martial arts experience. This is much more of a re-write, but something like the following might capture what you're thinking: "The boy attacked me. After a few punches that I avoided, he lunged at me with a huge, wild swing that he probably thought would knock me out, but it only unbalanced him. I slipped the punch easily and threw him across my hip. He hit his head on the ground when he landed . . . ."

That last sentence should end with "consciousness."

Later, when the water turns green and no one dares drink it, "quaff" is not a very common word and connotes drinking a drink (usually alcoholic) hurriedly, thirstily, greedily, or heartily. I would stick with "drink" or if you want to suggest tentativeness, "try" or "taste" would work.

John wrote: "Chapter 5: I don't have the Spanish so can't be sure what you intended, but perhaps "I don't intend anyone to discover my secret."

I intended this: "I don't want them to discover my secret."

"Chapter 6: When Isha listens to the Serpentines on the radio and reports what the message means, in the lead in to the message "spoken," the past participle, is not correct, it could be the past tense, "spoke," though that sounds a little stilted to my ear. "Said" might work better."

This one I had already corrected, exactly in the same way :-)

Your rewrite is a good description of the martial clash. I'll adopt it.

I've made all the changes. Thanks again!

Manuel wrote: "John wrote: "Chapter 5: I don't have the Spanish so can't be sure what you intended, but perhaps "I don't intend anyone to discover my secret."

I intended this: "I don't want them to discover my secret."

This is even better than my suggestion. :-)

Chapter 11

4th paragraph, 1st sentence (they discover the monster has left its burrow). I think this should be the past perfect tense, "which I had ordered" [habia ordenado?]

8th paragraph, 1st sentence (they are tracking the monster). The last clause could be either "but soon lost them on stony ground" or "but soon lost them on a patch of stony ground."

About 5 paragraphs further ( description of the monster): When describing the mouth "surrounded by" makes it seem like the teeth were outside the mouth, clanging is typically used for metallic noises, and I assume "dental pieces" is intended to be a reference to teeth. What about "the deep huge mouth was ringed [or filled?] with innumerable gnashing and grinding teeth."

2 paragraphs later, 2nd to last sentence (end of being pursued by the monster). "we couldn't see any sign of our pursuer.

A few pages later, the paragraph starting "This morning, the first attack took place." 3rd sentence: ". . . but the bullets bounced off the carapace without . . ."

Chapter 12.

The sentence "Before Marius was born, I was." This may be a theological issue rather than a translation issue, but this is obviously intended as an echo of John 8:58, "Before Abraham was, I am." In my Biblia de Jerusalén, it is given as "antes de que Abrahán existiera, Yo Soy." This is not past tense, but a theological claim to be God, the eternal now. Given the clear parallels between Kial and Christ, was this change intended?

Later, in the discussion between Israel and Kial, the paragraph beginning "You are mistaken." The 3rd sentence. I think "Only thus can the enemy become a friend."

John wrote: "makes it seem like the teeth were outside the mouth"

Yes, the "dental pieces" are outside the mouth, as in spiders and other arthropods. But I have removed the word "clanging".

Given the clear parallels between Kial and Christ, was this change intended?

Yes, it was intended. In Spanish I wrote this: "Antes de que Mario naciese, yo existía". I used the past tense because I thought using the present would make the phrase unintelligible for Isha, specially because Abraham has been replaced by Marius, who is still living. Also in the conversation between "The Unique" and Israel in chapter Exodus, The Unique does not call Himself "I am." I know this can be said to be theologically improper, but so many things are improper, forced by the science-fiction structure of the novel! The worst for me was having to renounce to Mary.

I have made all the other changes. Thanks again!

Final suggested edits,

Chapter 13

The paragraph beginning "Four hours have gone." the second sentence, speed is not larger as it increases, so ". . . increasing its speed, which is now much faster than . . ."

In the same paragraph, the last sentence, "rhythm" denotes alternating strong and weak elements, or back and forth, faster and slower, etc. which I don't think fits what you mean to convey. "Pace" would work, or "rate," might be better as it could also include the continual increasing speed.

Chapter 14

The paragraph beginning "she told me incredible things." The 3rd sentence. This sentence is a bit of a run on in English, and the punctuation doesn't quite work. The simplest fix in English would be to break it into a series of short sentences: "She says many other crazy things. I think she's gone mad and become hysterical." She sees halllucinations and should be medically treated; she shouldn't go around mixing the absurd and the real." Rules are made to be broken and your string of clauses does suggest that Israel himself is becoming a bit hysterical. If that is intended, I would leave the sentence as it is except to change "hysteric" to "become hysterical" and "get" to "go."

The paragraph beginning "That could be important . . ." the 6th sentence: ". . . neurons are built in a different shape than muscle cells . . ."

The paragraph beginning "Let's leave this discussion." The 3rd sentence: "obfuscation" should be, I think, "obsession." In the next sentence, you don't really follow a utopia so "utopian ideas" might work. On the other hand if you mean the place, and not the idea, "pusue" is probably a better verb than "follow."

That's my final English language editorial suggestion. I very much enjoyed this book and hope we will now get enough votes to select the Emerald Tablet.

John wrote: "In the next sentence, you don't really follow a utopia so "utopian ideas" might work. On the other hand if you mean the place, and not the idea, "pursue" is probably a better verb than "follow.""

"utopian ideas" is right.

Thanks again for all your suggestions. I've used them all, and will soon upload a new version to replace the previous one.