Aspen's World of Chaos~ discussion

This Is where you can go when you just want to rant about anything on your mind

*chuckles* I guess I'll be the first to use this..
(view spoiler)[ Sometimes I wonder if life is worth living just in general. Especially when I have to come across things that bring up shit that trigger me so badly. It's actually kinda pathetic. I feel kinda pathetic. And it's so hilarious that this is the shit that crosses my mind because it low-key makes me wish I had tried harder. At least then the triggers would be gone. At least that way, things would be more simple. At least then the feeling of being a burden would disappear. Because right now...the feeling is so fucking unbearable and I don't know what to fucking do with myself. I feel pathetic for everything right now. I feel pathetic that the only way to even remotely calm down is posting to a damn venting chat, especially when I never do things like this...until yesterday ig. What kind of shit is that? (hide spoiler)]

LMAO Vent number 2 in the span of 30 minutes.

When I feel as bad as I do, I can't listen to 4 songs. Broken, You don't Know, Would Anyone Care, and Hold on. And GUESS FUCKING WHAT CAME ON!!! BROKEN!!! *sighs* Absolutely fucking pathetic. I listen to music to calm down, not to be triggered worse than I already am. This shit is really fucking getting tiring.

I feel like i'm way to calm..but i'm crumbling...and i'm hurting those around me with it...bc i shut down when i'm needed the most...

I'm overstimulated. I'm exhausted. I'm anxiety ridden. My separation anxiety is acting up. My attachment issues are too strong. I care too much. I just want to fucking break my promises, but I can't..

Honestly. Im fucking done with this site and my trust is still fucking non-existant so why should I trust anyone anymore......the people I trust list is slowly.....just decreasing.....at this point why should I give people chances

I'm so tired of caring so much. I'm tired of having to put on the mask that I'm okay. I'm tired of dealing with my thoughts. But I can't do anything about it. One thing I'm sure of is that I am going to deal with it. I always will.

I give up with trust, pfft I give up with my life, I would rather be fucking dead than on this fucking earth another day

Cherry wrote: "Owlisaloafofbreb wrote: "I give up with trust, pfft I give up with my life, I would rather be fucking dead than on this fucking earth another day"

bud...don't do that...the scarecrow from wizard o..."

Why should i? Pretty fucking sure most of my friends only pretend to like me

Cherry wrote: "Owlisaloafofbreb wrote: "Cherry wrote: "Owlisaloafofbreb wrote: "I give up with trust, pfft I give up with my life, I would rather be fucking dead than on this fucking earth another day"

bud...don..."

That could very much be a lie, people love lying to me and I believe it like it's fucking set in stone..... hah

I care about you Casper! I would of never stopped S/H if it weren't for you- pls don't end it. Ik things are tough now but it'll get better

I hurt more people than I help and most of my friends only message when I text or message, so why not make that forever?

Just because you can't cure the garden, dosen't mean you should quit on the flower

Not everyone will love you, not everyone will like you. But the people that do is all that matters

*shrugs* drama

Yeah....i guess....

Cherry wrote: "holy fuck im very attracted to multiple people, including my bf.

some are fmale and some are male...my only problems are...they're poly, but idk how they feel abt me...and...idk how to tell my bf ..."

I doubt he'll mind

*hums and nods* As long as you still give him attention

My bf hasn't messaged me all day- heh....god....

You know what,fuck..i'm done with somethings atm...
But yk stay the fuck away...i can't..risk my health being ruined again for sm so stupid...i get it ya..but fuck..i'm struggling..again..haha...thats fun...i swear i'm trying to not shut down...again...but i can slowly see myself slipping again...i hate i care what ppl think of me so much..i get it..okay..but fuck..i hurt..i'm struggling to sleep at night again...i can't eat...thats nice yk...but fuck..i'm mentally done...with shit

(view spoiler)[I hate that I'm being reminded of you. I swore I'd leave you behind when I got with him. So why am I reminded of you so soon? Is that really all I attract? Am I so easy to prey on it's visible to every one within my sights? I swore I'd never date one that wasn't you. Because I'd rather go through the same shit over and over with you than let a new male trample all over me simply because I don't leave easily. So tell me, all your words are coming back now? "You'll always be waiting for me to come back.", "They're all going to do the same, reel you in, make you feel sane then slowly drive you insane", "You'll never find someone who knows how to break you as beautifully as I do", "No one's going to put up with you once you break", "They'll never stay once they see how fucked up you are", "That's why you come back every time you try to leave. You're pulled back to me. You know deep down, no one's gonna love you like me" Because holy fucking shit. You're so right. I deny it with every piece of my soul..but at the end, I know I'll go back to you and beg on my knees for you to break me again in the way only you can. I know that no other male will accept my dark love. "You know they're all going to be too soft for you. So you'll come back, even if you deny it." Damnit. Damnit. God fucking damnit. Now I feel like I need you to make me obsess over you again, make me get manic with your presence..then pull away at my most insane, slowly pulling me back with the fucking breadcrumbs you leave to give me enough hope to stay and wait out. Why did I think this time would be different? Why did I think another male could make me feel safe enough I wouldn't need to break? But no, once again, I'm proved wrong. My hope for better, for softer, for something that comes from the light and not the dark..Broken again. Hope? Gone. Light? Diminished. All I know is darkness, and that's the only thing I'm worth. I can't do soft with a male because damnit all. I'm reminded of you whenever I can't speak my mind simply out of fear of breaking them if I do. But I never had that problem with you. I would break so much, tell you my insanities without fear knowing you'd calm me and listen. Not because you say you 'love me', not because you 'know' me, not because you're a source of whatever people call 'calm'..but because you know exactly how to manipulate me into lucidness, because you know what to say to either being me down or force me higher. "I know what to say to manipulate you with subtle things until you think what you want is your idea when it was mine. I know you so much I can do that." (hide spoiler)]

Trigger warning:
SH,nightmares,thoughts of su^cide & voices

(view spoiler)[

Fuck..i want to end it all right now..my nightmares are worse..i can't sleep nor eat..and I just want to give into the voices telling me just cut or make a noose to hang. I'm trying..but I don't know why i'm even saying this vent..fuck..i have maybe 4 reasons to live...but fuck..i'm hurting...i just the suffering to end...i had to contact the 988 number last weekend..i was put on hold..for 30mins...I am getting flashbacks more often..i feel like shit...fuck I want to use a lighter or my knife...i've been clean for almost a month now..but i don't know how much longer I can...i'm one to suffer in silence but i am trying to not do that anymore...fuck...i'm insane aren't i..fuck..i feel like i'm losing it...completely...i'm sick of my nightmares...its PTSD from my past partners and stuff...fuck...i'm scared...i'm really scared...not some little kid scared but like where in a horror movie the person is about to get killed scared...fuck...i want it to go away...i'm shattering...again..my heart is shattered...i can't fix it anymore...i'm to weak to even try... (hide spoiler)]

*tilts my head* I was told I need to have a conversation with a specific person, but I can't do that. Why? Because that won't take away any of the shit I've felt. That won't take away all of the crying away. That won't take away the pit in my stomach that won't leave. *chuckles* I'm a huge fucking hypocrite

-smiles and laughs, mumbling to myself-

And no one likes you...and your going to end up alone because your a selfish and prejudice person!

Pretty sure its bad if honestly....I keep thinking back to homecoming last year.....my friend was horrible....and I was so easily manipulated.....

"But I guess I'm a letdown, but it's cool, I checked out
Oh, you wanna be friends now?
Okay, let's put my fake face on and pretend now
Sit around and talk about the good times
That didn't even happen
I mean, why are you laughing?
Must have missed that joke, let me see if I can find a reaction
No, but at least you're happy"


LMAO I love how my mother wants me to pay for shit, but is so fucking quick to threaten to kick me out. Like, please kick me out. I'd much rather be homeless than continue to pay for shit that YOU are supposed to be buying. Like, not fucking once have I touched the shit I've bought for that house.

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. I SAID NO ARGUING. THAT MEANS SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS THIS.

At this point in time, I have his permission. HOWEVER I'm sticking with what I said before due to the fact that I don't want to hurt him. HE IS NOT FORCING ME TO STAY AWAY FROM DEB OR NOT GET WITH HER.

I'm going to be deleting a some comments, including Pup's rant. While I encourage ranting, I don't condone putting private messages out in a public setting like this

I love myself..but there is one thing about me that I hate more than anything..my psychopathy. Over the years, I've been able to hide it..but lately, I can't..and it just gets worse and worse when I get pissed off...and I hate it...I hate hurting and scaring my partners...

Hey again..ig..i'm worried sick..my mind is spinning like usual..i'm not sleeping any really anymore...i go days without sleep then when i do its filled with nightmares...i'm scared...someone i am with fucking feels like they are being used like a toy..fuck..i don't wish that on anyone..i'm scared...I'm scared a lot of the time of my partners now..i am scared to touch or be touched...i just feel like my walls are being attacked...my panic attacks are more often than i say...i am not an emotional person really but i read emotions well..i hate this feeling...its caused chaos..don't get me wrong i like chaos but this chaos is the dark kind...i can't handle basic shit anymore..

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I FUCKING HATE IT. I know this makes me a hypocrite, but I want you to myself. I fucking hate seeing you with others. I hate that I can't have you to myself. I'm a selfish bitch. I know. I'm selfish, but quite frankly, I don't give a fuck. I just want you all to myself but I can't and it pisses me off...and it annoys me..and it makes me want to cry and pull out all my hair. It makes me want to fall off the face of the earth. Why do I do this to myself? I hate that I fucking care so much. I hate that I have to share you.

"I'm selfish, I want you all to myself, I swear
You don't need nobody else, I swear
I want you all to myself, because I'm selfish, yeah"

Selfish by PnB Rock is me. I want you all to myself because I'm selfish. I'm not built for a fucking poly and every single day you prove that to me more and more and I hate it. Why do I feel this way? Why do I care so fucking much?

I brought myself to the point of numbness. I'm just done caring. At this point it's not worth it. Nothing is worth it. I'm so tired of everything. More specifically, I'm tired of sharing. I want to be someone's one and only as they would be mine. It hurts so much that it's not possible for me. So, I just give up trying. I'm done with effort. I'm done with fighting. I'm just done.

Aspen ~Heaven lost an angel when I signed up~ wrote: "I brought myself to the point of numbness. I'm just done caring. At this point it's not worth it. Nothing is worth it. I'm so tired of everything. More specifically, I'm tired of sharing. I want to..."

....Pm me

Ah yes. Go and tell the world that I fucked up and hurt him. The fact that I woke up to it wasn't enough? Or maybe the fact that it's taking ALL the energy in me (energy I barely fucking have) to not breakdown because I hurt him. But be my guest.

I'm sick of existing...(view spoiler)[ I want fucking kill myself...my promises...is the whole reason i'm still existing..bc I promised 3...fucking people..i wouldn't...but every day i wake up with the urge..to do it..fuck..sometimes i do give into the voices...its hard..i'm scared..i'm struggling...gods...i am sick of my mama..the most..fuck...she keeps nagging me about shit..and if you know anything about my family...then you know more...fuck...i want to end it..but i can't...just like i can't stop giving myself pain...fuck...i'm trying..i'm alone in my thoughts..a lot..more..now..fuck...can't you see i'm screaming for help..but i guess the waves have dulled that out...i'm drowning..i am sorry...to everyone..fucking..so sorry...i want to end it..but i can't...fuck...can i just die...fuck..or someone kill me...fuck..i just ate..so i don't have to worry about getting yelled at for that...but this..might get me pushed to the edge..fuck..i'm screwed..i've been holding this end since i broke up with someone..i realized was toxic and bad for me..but gods...i want to end it all now..i'm so sorry.. (hide spoiler)]

JUST SEEING YOUR NAME RUINS MY FUCKING MOOD. REMEMBERING OUR PAST HURTS. REMEMBERING EVERYTHING. I HURT YOU AND I AM FOREVER FUCKING SORRY FOR THAT, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, YOU HURT ME JUST AS MUCH, IF NOT MORE. And yet, I'm always the one in the wrong *chuckles and shakes my head* But you win, dude. You win. If you ever see this, then you'll have the knowledge that seeing "J-Clay" has me in tears right now. You win, Joseph. You want bragging rights? You can have them. You want just the knowledge that 2-3 years later, I'm still a fucking mess when your name is brought up. THERE