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Access List: Trey

heh- that's funny- anyways
here ya go

TYYYY <3

anytime, mate :)

Problem child :>

*curtsies*

PFFT-

*Bows*

ENTRY ONE:

11/13/25

Today wasn't that easy I guess..From Being searched then being blamed for something I never did, to trying my hardest to being nothing in someones eyes. I don't think people realize.. I have no family, I have exactly nobody who wants me, nor even will look at me the same from that night I decided to commit. I will sit silent, I will look pretty, I will be enough. I will be myself, because if my own personality isn't enough for somebody, then they can leave.

I look at the kids with a perfect family, or even a family at all and wish that I had what they did, I wish, I really do. Because If I left this earth, I would have no one whom would show up, Why? Because I let some Flaws and Cracks hurt me, and in process of trying to cover those and glue them together, I hurt those around me because I pushed....I pushed...Then I shoved them off the deep end for my own benefit because I just wanted one person to understand, to be able to side with me in my feelings. But no one could, and no one will..Because I have been through more than any normal teen, More than any adult in that matter.

And my trauma? It makes me, who I am. Even if I need people to like me because it feels as if I don't have my own personality, I just copy those I love in hopes they love me, and I love myself...

ENTRY TWO:

11/14/25


Lords I hate how fast I fall in love with people, he doesn't know every word sparks a hope that he likes me to, but I know he doesn't, I hate it. Every movement, every touch, every sweet word, every nickname he speaks through his mouth drives me insane. I could have anybody else, but I fall in love with the one person whom might not want me! How Funny!

Er ist auf dieser Webseite, ich spreche nur Deutsch, deshalb wird er mich nicht verstehen.

Sometimes I feel like a tiny seed,
Too small to grow, a useless weed.
Not strong enough, not wise, not bright,
Lost in the shadows, dimmed of light.

Then, in a flash, a different view,
This little seed, it can break through.
Enough to try, enough to be,
Enough, just me, authentically.

The sun will shine, the rain will fall,
I have a purpose, after all.
Enough to offer, love to give,
Enough to simply, truly live.

A face that gets me through the door,
A smile that opens wallets more.
They like to look, they like the view,
A pretty trinket, shining new.

They use my laughter, bright and bold,
A story often to be told.
They use my grace, my gentle touch,
They use me oh so very much.

But when the evening starts to fade,
And promises begin to degrade,
They find a flaw, a reason why,
To say a gentle, soft goodbye.

Not quite the one, they softly sigh,
Not worth the effort, by and by.
Just pretty enough to borrow grace,
But not to keep within this place.

So I’ll polish up, and head outside,
Another smile, another ride.
Knowing tomorrow holds the same,
A pretty face, a hollow game.

A quiet love, a hidden flame,
Burns just for you, whispers your name.
I watch you laugh, I see you shine,
And wish, just once, your hand in mine.

My heart it hopes, a foolish thing,
That someday love, my soul will bring,
Will reach for you, and you will see,
The love you give, so carelessly.

But days turn weeks, and weeks to years,
Watered with quiet, secret tears.
You're kind and good, a gentle soul,
But not for me, to make me whole.

And so I learn, a painful art,
To love from far, with a broken heart.
To wish you well, to let you be,
And hold this love, just for me.

Empty chair, a silent room,
Where laughter danced and chased the gloom.
Your favorite mug, still on the shelf,
A tiny piece of missing self.

Sunbeams slant, the days go by,
A whispered wish, a tearful sigh.
The garden blooms, a vibrant hue,
But lacks the one who tended you.

Memories rise, like gentle rain,
A sweet relief, a soft, soft pain.
Your gentle touch, I feel no more,
Just echoes on a distant shore.

Though gone from sight, and far away,
Love lingers on, come what may.
And in my heart, a tiny light,
Burns ever bright, against the night.

Empty room, the lights are low,
A silent ache begins to grow.
A scratch, a sting, a moment's ease,
Just quiet shadows, if you please.

No words to say, no tears to fall,
Just skin that answers to a call.
A secret kept, a hidden pain,
Washing over, then again.

The feeling fades, the colors blur,
A silent question, what's this for?
A bandage hides, a sleeve pulled down,
Another secret in this town.

The quiet waits, the night wears on,
Hoping for a brighter dawn.
A gentle hand, a listening ear,
To banish shadows, conquer fear.

A heavy coat, I didn't choose,
Weighs on my shoulders, filled with dues.
They say be this, and be that too,
A perfect mold, seen shining through.

Each step I take, a watchful eye,
Judging, grading, way up high.
The path they paved, it isn't mine,
But walls close in, a rigid line.

I long to run, to break the chain,
To dance in sunlight, feel the rain.
But fear it whispers, soft and low,
Of letting go, and where I'll go.

This gilded cage, a shining lie,
Trapped underneath, I wonder why.
One day, perhaps, I'll find the key,
And finally, just be me.

What am I to you? Why Am I me? Why do you LOVE me? You say all these things, you ask all these things and I can say is I love you, because how am I to know who you are when I don't have my own personality?

I ask myself all the same questions you ask yourself. Thing is, I struggle. You thought it was bad for you? I was betrayed by my own family. I found peace in opening skin, I found peace in mocking others personalities because when they love their self, if I mock them..then I will be perfect for them because I am just like them.

My mother always said "Don't change for someone" but I changed for her all the time from "The mother" Personality to "The scared" Personality. It got to the point she named each personality after the person I gained it from because All I do is try and try and try to be myself but I can't be myself! I NEED PEOPLE TO LOVE ME!!

I lost myself in the pages of that document, reading through what had happened to me when it happened. I felt tears swell in my eyes, reading all the words that you said to me that night when my life was on the line, I was lost.

Where were you? I laid in that hospital bed crying to myself because I felt alone, I was alone. Where were you? Were you with those people you say are family but they aren't? were you with that man that hurt my mom? Where were you?

My heart had started to feel as if it was beating out my chest, I felt like I was dying because I was dying. My body gave up, submitting to the medications I took as I started to seize, Fear shot through the nurses, seeing their 15 yr patient seizing.

What am I? I try to be perfect, I try to fit in. I try everything! I am so done. I relapsed last night AND this morning, I have refused to eat, I have NO sleep at all because I was up doing homework and trying to take care of myself and oooh! Its all about (REDACTED) "Oh you hurt their feelings" "Oh they are upset" "Oh you are such a bad person" when I am just trying to be what people want me to be!! I am never enough, I swear and its as if no one cares! They all have someone who cares enough about them, I wonder how that feels!!

I won't let anyone near me because I'm so scared of hurting them because I can't be enough for heavens sake!! I WANT TO BE LOVED.