Writers Unite discussion

Ooh. I just got chills! Do you have more of this? I'd love to read more :)

Hmm... well if you need any help, just ask. There's plenty of people who'd be more than willing :)

luv the 1st one! and the 2nd definatelly has many places to go. remember u can ask me any time!

i love this! very cool I cant wait to read more:D

Ooooh pretty cool :) It sound pretty awesome. The only sugestion I have is the decreased use of exclamation marks. It seems too....perky

welcome :) What's the story about?

Hold up

"Oblivious to anyone else, even her snotty friend."

When you say that, do you mean she's like carefree?

"Living in her shadow, literally."

Okay, maybe give more detail whyyy?

cute. i'd like to read more to see where this is going. pointer: keep track of the way you compose these POV's. for instance, keep dustin blunt and to the point because so far that's how his personality's seems to be. and cassidy's gotta remain on the long winded end. i really like how you keep their thoughts of each other from seeming rehearsed. a lot of people tend to do that when they write diff POV's in the same scene but...i think you should elaborate a little more on why dustin likes cassidy so much. 15 years is a lot of time to live in anybody's shadow, so to speak. so i think his opinion(s) of her should demonstrate a little more...shall we say gusto? o and there are some grammar errors, some conventional stuff but they aren't that big of a deal right now if you're still drafting and also because you've made it so that your characters are coming off conversational. keep it up =D

no problem =D

i get what you mean and i'd be glad to help you out. but i have to disappear for about an hour. i'll be back. promise +D

treat it like an obbsession. Say NOTHING pretaining to a crush or love wise.

shay is absolutely right. don't mention anything about crush. you want the reader to realize the obsession as it unfolds in the story. you could have dustin talking about every single thing about cassidy right down to the brand of clothing she favors most, her natural hair scent (apart from shampoo scent) to the color she paints her fingernails with in the spring versus the winter. you know, just get real creative about it. and don't forget that you made them 16 year olds so you can't have them talking in 12/13 tongue. they need a little more maturity than that. you might want to mention driver's licenses and high school dances and whatnot. honestly, depending how serious you want to take this obsession thing with dustin you may even have to make sexual references for more authenticity in order to make this realistic because if you think about it--what 16 year old guy ain't thinkin' about sex? so..i hope i've given you enough to mull over. im here if you need anymore help

i agree

i meant him thinking about her butt or her breasts at least, not sexual any actual sexual acts. perhaps you can give him a fetish then? maybe there's one particular thing he likes about her more than anything else like her hands or her legs or her nexk. you get what i'm saying. but you know, whatever floats your boat...

hilarious. good dialogue. but i would really like to feel the setting they're in. for instance, i can't tell if this is all in the same day. in fact, i was wondering if ou considered turning both dustin and casidy's views in diary/journal entries. that way, descriptions of the setting aren't that big of a deal, especially if you plan to write a lot of dialogue. i don't know...just something to think about... so is it your intention to make him a bad boy? or is this just how he reacts around eden? and did you perhaps proctor an outline of what the direction of this story is going in, what the end entails?

ahhh sounds like dustin's got it bad

no big deal if you don't usually outline. i usually know my beginning, middle, and end set in stone and then try to weave the rest of the story around it unless some ridiculously uber circumstance turns that around. that's just my overall suggestion for the story as a whole. as for the scenes, ya, more setting details would do. i hope to hear cassidy's side soon =D

i dont see why not as long as everything lines up, such as if this is an overt continuation from either her last scene (or pov) or eden's. just make sure everything lines up

you know what i just realized that i haven't read seeing stars yet.

*scrolls up the page at lightning speed*

i just read ur third chapter kel and i like it. good job (especially eden and her STUPIDITY!!! *takes deep breath* srry thats another story)
anyway, i like so ...yeah thats pretty much it.

Kelsie Marie Mellark (a.k.a Peeta's Wife) wrote: "Here's the prologue to a story i wrote called: Seeing Stars



Layla woke up. Suddenly fear crept over her entire body. What happened last night? Layla thought, as she brushed off her dirty ha..."

crazy cool and creepy. just remember what i said about tied up: describe the setting more. you want your reader to feel like they are there with the characters, otherwise it will come off as two dimensional. you see how you had an ellipses in the last sentence when you said "he...fell out" well it's not telling me that there's anything too weird about it.

Kelsie Marie Mellark (a.k.a Peeta's Wife) wrote: "I CONTIUED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



**********EARLIER AT LUNCH**********

"You What?" I screamed across the lun..."

Kelsie Marie Mellark (a.k.a Peeta's Wife) wrote: "I CONTIUED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



**********EARLIER AT LUNCH**********

"You What?" I screamed across the lun..."

honestly i can't get over how well your dialogging is. but just remember to keep track of the age differences in which you write your characters. they've gotta sound their age. so far i'd have to see a little more of this story to see how you do with that. i like the mysterious element though. good job mrs. mellark *giggles and shakes head*

Kelsie Marie Mellark (a.k.a Peeta's Wife) wrote: "i mean from cassidy's pov"

yes, cassidy's view

o you know..i just reread all of tied up and i just noticed that another major thing you should do is describe the characters' expressions and body language. that is very important. see when i was rereading chapter 3 i was thinking about how much i'm miss the descriptions of the confrontation that he and eden are having. i want to know what her face looks like as he's telling her to back off. and when you're on cassidy's pov it would't hurt to mention the looks on his face from her pov. *takes deep breath*

good-ee 8-D

I love your story! It's really good. I like how the point of view changes!

Kelsie Marie Mellark (a.k.a Peeta's Wife) wrote: "http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

here's the link :) i changed all i could (without making it off the topic)

tell me what you think plz

P.S. i ..."

i noticed some of the changes you made to this and i can tell that you're aiming to be a bit more descriptive. great job mrs. mellark :D

yup. commented on it too

as always: no problem. i can't give anything short of that since i pine for the same thing when i offer it to others to read. glad we're on the same page

I like it. I also lik ethe fact that you arent like me and my obsesive rhymes:) good job once again. The more you practice the easier it becomes!

thas rly guud, Kelsie. LOL, tru @ Jen. me like dat too. I jus HAVE to rhyme

i like this kelsie. its sweet, sad and yet such an honest truth of what happens to many of us. this is one of the reasons i don't miss middle school, specifically. can i make a suggestion though? get rid of the last line "between me and you" and rename the poem "me and you" gives the poem a mysterious vibe. the reader won't expect that the poem actually goes i the opposite direction of "me and you" as the title many imply. its edge

lol i second that. i certainly don't miss it =P

i did i did!

of course. the dialogue had me rollin'

i wrote a review its posted at your writing link

cool. i like. godd job on the present tense you wrote this in. to be honest tough when i first strated reading i thought that these were two people in front of a camera or something, acting..youknow. because of the mention of the "director" but then i started to understand what was happening. real mysterous. keep it up

wow i just reread my message and its just chock full of grammatical errors and incorrect spellings. im just so out of it today....*yawns*

I love it! It's amazing!

alright yo, i just read chapter 2 and i thought it was pretty good. you're dialogging is awesome. very...plausible. can't think of any other way to describe it. the chapter was so short though that i can't really tell where the dialogue will end up so i just want to say this (and i think i mentioned it in my first review of Tied Up): be mindful of how you're gonna have these adults talking to one another especially if you're gonna have a women amongst a bunch of hormonal men. sexual connotations are the real deal in the police force especially when its a lone women among men. profanity is a common as well. i know you might not be diggin' that notion for your writing but if you want it to come off real real that you...might.want.to. consider.that.keslie. ok?

Okee.

awesome, as usual

i like your latest chapter the best so far. to be perfectly honest. the story moved faster but not in a way that could lose a person. good job

arg still no MCL. PLZ dont tell me u gave up!!!!