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T-Rose's Writing
Hey, Rose! So I just finished editing your short story and I LOVED IT!!! The ending was such a shocker. When I finished I was like 'Oh my god!! Did that really just happen?' Really amazing stuff! I've got some things that may need a bit of tweaking though but they should be easy enough to fix...(With?)My eyes wide open, I stayed flat on my back...- I feel like a word like 'with' should go before 'My eyes wide open...' maybe it would make it sound a bit flowier?
I'm sure there's a rule about when to spell out numbers in writing but I think anything below 100 should be spelled out. That's just what my English teacher usually says.
The hard body beside me lay(‘laid’) motionless...- I think 'lay' should be 'laid'.
...we would be bereft of within the hour...- Since I lack good vocabulary skills, Im not sure what 'bereft' means >.<
Knowing he wouldn’t stir from the deep sleep I knew he was definitely...- you could probably get rid of ‘knew’ because using both ‘knew’ and ‘knowing’ in the same sentence seems rather repetitive
...as he heaved an armful of hardcovers onto our little dinette table.- I could just be having a brainfart but I’m not sure what you mean by ‘hardcovers’. Are they books?
...I’d always caught him before he did something without thinking, like trying to sex me without protection or driving drunk. Yeah, we go way back alright.- Ha! I liked that bit. It made me smile :) I’m wondering though how old they are now and am also curious about their names or if you’re intentionally not telling their names
I hated when he did that to me. Unleashed those hypnotic eyes on me...- im not totally sure how to use semi colons correctly but this seems like the spot to put one instead of using a period and then that would get rid of the sentence fragment.(maybe put it in the place of the period?
...or the way the girl at KFC always gave him an extra thigh and a biscuit without charging extra.- take out one ‘extra’ and replace it with another word. Two ‘extra’s are kinda repetitive
He was so scared to be a father he stayed away for another 2 days and came back again, this time demanding that I take care of it. And I did…- aww :( that’s so sad. I feel that some more emotion or her thoughts should be added to this to help the readers connect more
And here is leaving me again.- did you mean to put in a ‘he’ after 'here'?
I glanced back over my shoulder at him as he slept peacefully. His arms lay at his healthy sides, his lips smooth in the darkness, his fine hair splayed out across the pillow.- Wow! This is a really great description here!
Even this afternoon. By noon he’d sealed the last box of his belongings...- You should begin a new paragraph after 'afternoon'
I’d gone back to the apartment and pounced on the middle of the living room floor. I flipped on the television and just sat there blinking at it, not in any way registering the banter filling the room.- I really like this sentence. It’s descriptive and also really simple
The stab wound on my man’s body was gaping.- WOAHH!!!! So unexpected but you pulled it off brilliantly. What an amazing ending! He so had it coming though. LOVE IT <3
Overall I was really impressed with this, Rose! I'd love to see some more of your writing. Keep it up :D
thanks a lot carina. this is exactly what i needed. problem i wrote it last wednesday with the intent to submit it for a contest on friday but i didn't really have a chance to do any extra editing because i had to skip town the next day. it was unexpected.also i was only permitted 3000 words for the contest because so there were some things that i just had to let go i was on a time limit. i hated that i had to turn it in in what seemed unfinished. i usually write a helluva lot more than this and you are right on point about me possibly dragging out the emotion in certain parts of the story. honestly, im usually very long-winded. time constraints really suck. im glad you caught the grammatical errors i made even though i can't go back and change them for the contest since it closed last friday. in any case, im going to fix them.
and...i just want to put this out there real quick. im a fragment sentence kind of girl when it comes to my writing style. i've written that way for years and have always been commended for it because it defines my way of hand, so to speak.
lastly, i really appreciate you taking the time to thoroughly edit this for me and enjoy it at the same time. i swear im kicking myself for missing my use of the same words in different tenses in the same sentence..ugh..any who how thanks a lot carina. i'll definitely be posting more as time permits :D
WOW! THE ENDING TOTALLY HAD ME. LOL, kind of left me saying wtf! wat just happened, no way!! lol awesome t-rose, I love it =]
thx amina. lol that was the intended response i want for everyone who reads this
all right people here's a poem i tried my hand at about 2 years ago:http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
I just read The Death of Me and was blown away because of how powerful it was. The repetition was great and the whole thing was just chock full of emotion! Loved it :D
thanks. i was in a certain "mode" at that time in my life. came outta no where
hey you guys!!! i just got great news back from my school's writing department and as it turns out: I WON 2ND PLACE IN THE CREATIVE WRITING CONTEST FOR MOMENTS LIKE THIS whooo hoooooo!!!!! i've never accomplished anything like that in my life. feels as good as i imagine it would if i were getting published.
Wow that's SO Amazing!!! Many congratz Rose. You earned it :D
thanks girl =D *inwardly wishing it were 1st place*
What'd you get? Like a trophy? Are they publishing it?
Wow, way to go, Rose. But knowing u, 2nd place isn't a big deal for how cool u rite!!
thanks guyz, u all are so sweet. nah its not getting published, but they are giving me scholarship money. they want me to read an excerpt from it on 10/20 in front of a live audience and later that day for an open mic at our school's amphitheater. wow it's been like 5 years since i last performed anything in front of a group of people...
W.O.W. thas like a dream cum tru. wayyy to go... I bet u'll become famous-er than J.k!! :P
lol uh..thx amina. i don't think i've gotten a compliment quite as big as the one you just gave. that is purdy nice o' ya =D
LOL. seriously. I mean, getting that kind of a prize, it's awesome. Cld u just remind me os the tsry u rote? all I cn remember is I lovd it... i read so much stuff I get muddled. =/
its about a young woman who'd taking a break up very hard because she's known the guy forever, but he's proved himself to be a jerk throughout the relationship. im writing a series that spins off of this story. i'v been brainstorming and outlining it for the past week. im so excited
huh? I read sumthing of urs, but I dnt think it was dat. ok, i seriously need to get myself togheter... I cnt remember anything! lol
oh yes, yes. I remmeber. how cld I forget. the ending was just so UNEXPECTED! lol xP way to go.. that totally deserved the prize
thx. shhhh...don't be giving away the ending
hey guys i've decided to post an excerpt of a piece i started almost 4 years ago. please read the description/details behind the story at the link below to get an understanding of what's going on. and as always, as always, be a brute if you must XDhttp://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
I donno if u wanted corrections, but unless u did, I found this:I’m positive the he knows that I exist
The 'the' doesn't fit in here.
enough that you could see that is was a light brown.
is 'is' meant to be 'his'?
cept for dat, marvelous. I found it pretty hilarious actually!
ok thx amina i'll fix those right up. and ya im glad you found it amusing. i actually intended for it to come off that way
T-Rose wrote: "hey guys i've decided to post an excerpt of a piece i started almost 4 years ago. please read the description/details behind the story at the link below to get an understanding of what's going on. ..."Wow! Another great piece Rose! You have sucked me right in :) Your writing is always a breath of fresh air because of how real it always is. I'm not surprised how you have already caused me to feel a great deal of sympathy for the characters that you have created and can't wait to read more of this. Excellent work! :D
cool-ee-o. glad u liked it. i'll try to get some more of it up this weekend. i only have a hard copy of it so i have to re-type it before i post, which i'll be doing piece by piece.
Hey guys sorry it took me so long to post more of Love-Hate. I've added more to chapter 1 and i added chapter 2 as well. For those of you who already started chapter 1 last week you might remember the last line was Shall we call it an unfortunate occurrence? so go ahead and pick up the story from there. Then go on to ch. 2 (obviously) *bopping myself on the head* i hella hope you guys enjoy it!!!!http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
(continue chapter 1 here)
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
(and here's ch.2)
Is this the 'excerpt' u posted? from sumthing u rote 4 years back? LOL, I seriously can't rmemeber what love-hate was *bites lip*
yes, it is. and you even wrote a review on it...
did I? ohh man, and ohh man. seriously, I ned to keep myself in order. I. am. so. confused.*sighs*
well if you can't remember then just start from the beginning.
No, it suddenly hit me wen I was taking a shower :P I've read it and gave a review... awesome as ever!!! =) temme wen u've posted more and do it qwick or i'll forget again xP
and u didn't read my NaNo stry :( :'( I've posted five chapters and widout ur review, it feels incomplete
hey hey hey calm down dear. i've been under the weather lately so i haven't been online lately, or at least for not long periods at a time. just to check updates here and there. plus im writing two books at once which both make me tend to forget that the world wide web even exists. to tell you the truth i didn't realize that you had posted it. anyway im gonna go read them now okay? i've got like 45 minutes to spare then im gonna go watch a basketball game.
well, did u read it? u didn't post any comments or anything...
i read the first two chapters and then m internet connection kept dropping. but im about to finish it right now. so far its really good ;)
aww thanks. do leave comments and suggestions. and if u think it's really boring, just tell me :)
i commented at the NaNoWriMo folder. brace yourself
*braces herself* whoa, ur scareing me :P
hello everyone. i know its been a while since i last posted any material but guess what? i just posted a new bit! its an excerpt from a novel i've been doggedly focused on for the last month or so. the novel is a follow-up/prologue to Moments Like This. please read the description before you begin this story. there are some important things i need you guys to be aware of. thank you guys always for taking the time to read my work *curtsies to you all* http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...
Awww I can't view it cause I'm a 'minor'. *pouts* What should I do? I wanna read iiiiiit :'(
alright i'll take care of it. check again
Oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my, oh my *hyperventilates* This is so full of emotion. I feel like I'm inside ur script, or watching a movie... it's so realistic and so beautifully written. Absolutely love it!I didn't understand fully what happened at the end though. What did she do with herself with the knife? *shivers* There are a few things that come to mind.... so is the reader meant to just think what he/she thinks? Or is there a specific thing?
well...like i mentioned in the description box, this is just an excerpt. where i left it off with the knives is pretty much supposed to incite...somewhat of a mysterious notion. i wrote the story in parts and that was the end of part one that you just read. ana marie has to grow but you won't be able to see what happens to her yet. i haven't decided whether i want to post the next part of the story or even the beginning of the story for that matter. so to answer your original question, yes and no. the reader can think whatever comes to mind as ana marie takes that knife into the shower but at the sometime, they should keep in mind that there is a whole lot more story left. i just haven't posted any.im glad you liked it. and as you can see it was...quite a bit and a risk to post but thanks for taking the time to delve into it. anything else you want to know?
http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...