The Five Ghosts discussion

This folder is for any discussion pertaining to writing. If you have a snippet of something you'd like us to read and provide feedback for, post it here! Every once in a while I might post something I feel is important to writing/story/character, and you should feel free to do the same. If you're having trouble with a story point of yours, you can post here to brainstorm. Anything writing-related, here's the place to go.

“Does the mere hint of curiosity instigate the fear of a betrayal?” Be’lynn asked me such a question as his kingdom fell apart before his eyes, the ashes of his obelisk laid in ruins on the top of the Fremen Dunes under the Bl’esay star constellation… a cross lingering red across the darkness far above. “I’m sorry father,” I said. “But why ask such a question?” he gave me that stare he gave many of his subordinates, the stare that gave a mocking impression of me in the mirror of his eyes, my ignorance an obstacle in his path. He strutted around the ruins, leaving me unsatisfied with the answer he left behind—if there ever was one. “I fight a war I didn’t want, I seek peace too far from reach, and yet reasons beyond me I can’t understand what drives people to such limits.” he picked up a piece of debris from the raging fire. He examined it while I stood in the sinking sands of the dunes themselves. “Now I ask myself after all of this…” he looked up into the sky, his silk robe riding in the wind revealing his callous laden legs, “was it all worth fighting for…?” he looked onwards towards the dusking horizon to see nothing but his new home, a dome in the flare of the silver moons.

— An excerpt from “Hakim Be’lynn Koladae – His vision of the Sul’Gyvnn”, by Princess Kara’lynn Mon Koladae.

Well, then I'm going to be the first to break the wall. I'm a bit new to writing, and usually pertain it as a hobby. But just as a way to test out my wits on other beings (I hate confrontation) without seeing their faces, I post a snippet of my own story. Wat'cha think about it?

I'll try to be helpful ^_^ Since it's a small snippet, I assume you're looking for feedback on the language itself rather than story/character so I'll fly with that.

It's an interesting snippet, I like the hints of tension between father and son.

'Be'lynn asked me such a question' can easily be shortened to 'Be'lynn asked as his kingdom fell apart before his eyes' (or even just 'fell apart' would have more impact). It's more concise and eliminates the repetition of 'such a question' which comes up in the main character's dialogue a couple sentences later.

Also, from this snippet alone there are three ellipses, which are easy to abuse. I know, I do it all the time. Be sparring in your use of '...' or it begins to feel that everyone is talking like William Shatner.

Last thing that made me pause was the description, 'callous laden legs.' Callouses are usually seen on the hands and feet and are associated with hard labour or repetitive labour (I have small ones on certain fingers from drawing). I don't know much about your king so far, but if he does have callouses that says a lot about his character. He's the type of king who fights with his soldiers instead of simply giving orders. However, I don't think his LEGS would be calloused... certainly his hands. Did you mean scars? The only callouses I could imagine someone getting on their legs would be from horse-back riding, and normally riders wear chaps or protective gear to avoid that.

It's definitely a good little piece of writing and involves interest and small hints of conflict - and I'm a big believer that any scene should include conflict or tension of some sort to be useful or included in a story, so that's good :)

Scars... I wouldn't have ever thought of using that for this writing--this was written a couple years back and it was used to detail another race/collective, noted at least. I can't elaborate on the rest, doing so and I won't shut up.

Thanks though, my teacher told me the same exact thing about the ellipses and it's a hard habit to shake (least on my part anyway) so I will have to go through most of the story to fix that dilemma. Thank you though, that piece of advice really helped! I was hoping no one would notice the ellipses problem, but had to be called out and I'm glad it was now!

You have yourself a safe day mate!

The '...' happens to me ALL the time because I tend to end sentences with it when I myself, as the writer, trail off and am unsure what my next sentence will be. So I hear ya XP

Lol, just out of curiosity then (forgive my forwardness) but what do you write? Short stories along the lines of romance or just thick mysteries? Or poetry? If you don't mind me in asking.

Uhh young adult would be the general 'genre' but atm I'm writing about the lives of werewolves stuck in an inhuman 'quarantine zone' where the methods of containment are pretty severe. The story is about how one werewolf accidentally stumbles into the role of leader and hero, fighting for the freedom of his kin. There's a love story in there too but overall it's a dystopian type of deal XP I dunno how to otherwise describe it haha.

I wouldn't suppose this section would also serve as a writing tip guide as well... would it? I have a couple things on the subject, but I'm not sure if it fits here or over there in that other section.

Whenever you've got something to say, just click 'new' on the main group page over the forums and start a new thread. There's a drop down menu where you can specify what forum heading to put it under :)

I feel awful being the only one asking for help here, but so far, it's a chance at opinions and that's why I'm here (that and many here read quite a bit, so comparisons and similarities to other novels can be brought up). This a small snippet I wrote at work today, what do all y'all think?

The image wasn’t tampered with; the image couldn’t have been tampered with… maybe it was because of Tw’lya’s lack of suspicion of Terra’s presence—or maybe she didn’t care. Terra searched up and down, in her body did she see the world. Smells of burning ash, a sting of spice and the anguish of old blood and trickling sweat to caress her brow; it was Tw’lya’s perceived notion of such a sad world, Terra tried to avoid noting discrepancies, concentrating on the event at hand. Terra couldn’t note why the world she remembered, and Tw’lya remember was so hot; or maybe it was just unnaturally hot considering the desert springs Terra was used to trekking for years upon years to come about. Old mist of ice cold breezed to loom Terra’s senses of hundreds of years on Isis.

Tw’lya let out a moan of sadness, a whimper so dim and so quiet, Leena nor Alia looked at either of them when she let emotions flow. Reluctance followed, sniffles the tell-tale sign. “I often wonder, was it really that smart an idea to go out to such a violent war with him? They were still a recuperating colony, but what peaked his interest is how they were able to rebuild so quickly after so many thousand sun scars.” Maidens of such a fragile colony never let go of grudge, Terra caught a few nasty glances that hit hard and home when she went on visit leave.

But she didn’t care, the world came back around in darkness dim when shafted lights sifted past trees of a coniferous kind. They swayed in the breeze atop sheltered rock and cliff hangs Tw’lya then stood upon with a hand gripping at her own tightly. Cliff walls where cliff hangs resolve were the only thing barring the shallow sea from the rest of the material rich dry lands. She could feel the pain in her chest of upheld fear where her heart sank with every step. It was the chants that really set Tw’lya in her place. She could feel her athuses twiddle in fear as they grew louder, the lights of heavens to trek closer, nearly eclipsing threes near them in shadows.

Yet for some reason… Terra noted, shaking her head despairingly, in her fear do I feel my mother slashing me the way she did when I told her of the idea. Fear was a strict feeling never to be felt by those close to her—The Empress… the paranoid schizophrenic of the twenty-third.

She noted darkness shrouded by voices of indoctrination. Fires and chants of anger coursing and shaking the world she stood. A sudden vibration of dust to spring the land, to singe her mind to the very core, gnawing her to the bone. Robes in the distance of many Maidens, inches away from the fire and brimstone Terra remembered so vividly. ‘Such hate swarms a Sister…’ Terra thought. She thought silently, keeping her jaded eyes on Tw’lya’s. ‘Such hate pilots our bodies through a couple speeches and white lies to bar truth… such hate destroys society.’

The voices were growing closer with each step Tw’lya took with the being in hand. She stood every step to match its own. Every step made without care, made without haste nor thought. It was made for the sake of being made. Sounds of fear, of indoctrination never sounded through though to create fear for them to run—they were happy.

Finally, a light hit Tw’lya’s father homely face. He was a human no doubt—a human without a rifle of any sorts, without a care in the world and with just a warming sensation of love that resonated within his grasp of Tw’lya’s hand.

Shrouded darkness thickened, Terra told herself, noting the surroundings, only towards the exit did the night turn away to a moon far off in the distance. Shadows casted to reveal the real beauty of a land unseen.

He walked with Tw’lya through the lush forests that carpeted the land, picking up soft ‘Peo’belsa’ flowers from their beds surrounding the trees that towered into the sky. Both walked into the endearing moonset just further out. Two stars were the greatest to the north far above them like a Mistletoe, so bright in ivory, surrounding galaxies and other dwarfs like it were eclipsed in grand light. In grand light did the shimmering light of imperfect waves ripple back into Tw’lya, Terra teared at the sight of water dwelling creatures jumping into the night sky, a shimmer of the twin stars across the back, a moan of song to come from it.

Highlighted by the same stars, Terra studies Roland’s face. So outward in all senses of the word; so out-reaching and sharp with small hints of beauty by angles features, shrouded by hidden wisdom that you just had to take a gaze and nod at the sheer magnificence; toned features, straight nose, full lips and a bald scalp. Tanned, toned… he was the perfect Pasamena, least by human standards.

Terra let go, alerted by the sounds of silence and speeding winds above. It was beyond the mountain skylines of pointed spires did she see the world they orbited. A world like a valley far too large to uphold Mon Olympus—it was a double-edged world they orbited with a blue shimmer of atmosphere to coat the surroundings, shadows to trek across its scalp of mixed rainbonic colours. The gas giant planet lingering slyly by the edge of the world, in shadows of a mountain too far off to walk. Sandwiched between mountainous shadows the water and itself in spare ripples. Mystery coated the blue skies abound as they stood on the cliffside, savouring the moment as if it were the only.

I feel like such a bum for not really contributing to this group apart from the writers guide, but this is a chance to get opinions and that's why I'm taking much advantage of the opportunity. I'm such a bum :(

Don't worry about asking for help! It's how you get better.

In the meantime, do you have a link to a full work, or is there anyway you could post the whole thing somewhere? I'd love to help, but I have to have everything in context for me to be able to understand it. ^_^'

Not at the moment right now. I can post it in my writing section if you would like (I already have another story in there called Leaving, an experimental romance working).

But let me ask you, do you want the whole chapter? Or do you want all chapters that these characters come from? Because if you want just this chapter, it may take some time as I'm still editing the chapter and I'm a bit behind (I fell asleep last night, didn't even notice it either).

Well, if its all part of one story, then yes. But if it''s just a bunch of different scenes that could be considered separate short stories, then I'll review the one you want me to.

Alright, will do mate--thanks!

Just let me finish editing it and I'll post it up as soon as I can.

Are you going to post the whole thing here or on a blog/art site? You know, in case it won't fit in the thread. ^_^'

Oooo no... 602 pages? Most of it has to be edited and cut out. Highly doubt any art/blog site will be remotely interested in reading all that jazz, let alone enjoy it.

wow. 602? if that font size is standard 12 and single spaced, allow me to interject with a very appropriate GEEZUS!

That's the same reaction I got from my co-worker when I told him about that as well--this took me four-five years for me to work on, so GEEZUS is a bit overkill :P

There ya go, check "My Writing" on my page to see the full memory. It's under "Mystical Sun: The Forgotten World", chapter heading... "Tw'lya's memory."

Thanks again for doing this.

Wait, here's the link--sorry 'bout that!

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/2...

Oh snap, how did I miss it! XD

Thanks for the link, and I'll give a read when im less deliriously tired. X3